COGNI.VOL...

Iite the titles of my last two blog titles can be a bit cryptic and obscure some background info can help.

Read this. London Bridge is Burning Down

an exerpt: "When I'm feeling someone, I'm feeling em but when I am turned off or i can't see myself with them anymore i douse our bridge in kerosene and i light a match. In one fell swoop a couple of paragraphs i can damage a relationship (in the general social sense of the word) to a point where it cannot be repaired. I just go into fuck it mode and say things or do things that blow it all the fuck up. As I grow I've been doing this more and more, especially if any hope is lost. I'm starting to feel that this is the case right now."

Now i'm not burning the bridge or nuking the relationship (general) because that will do nothing...Ima keep it there unmaintained for a bit and if it crumbles so be it.

Looks like I'm back down to earth cause I'm cold chillin, moving "on to the next one" (pardon the already tired cliche) Shit, or on to the next couple of ones even. I'm gonna admit, pursuing a relationship with this chick actually brought the level of my wanting such a thing down. In a way i was weakened. I don't have walls up like that anymore but i sure as hell dont do the isht i have been doing in terms of girl J.S. I'm "pooped" in that dept and yes that is pitiful lol its whatever though. Plenty of things to look forward to: the most prominent being awaiting the yay or nay for graduate school. Shiet and i gotta hit the fuccin GYM! 5 times a week fuck it!! how easy was that to write lol

PZ

ohh and thanx to yall who commented on the last post

Iite so as we continue on from Nuke Button 1

I talked to homegirl I just straight up told her my concerns and shit, no general talk, no beating around the bush I just went forward with it.

She said she is in fact feeling me and that I'm her type of dude or whatever and although that is the case she wants to take things a day at a time because there are some issues she feels that need dealing with; such as issues wit her body (which i don't get but i never seen her wit her clothes off so...) to go from track star body to post pregbody can probably be disheartening. Issues wit her sons father n all that. So although she feeling me she ain't ready to move forward like I am....again...


..still.

Now i've never asked her to be my girl or nothing but the way things were going in our relationship (in the literal sense) was headed toward that direction and she isn't ready for such a thing.

Still

Even though her asking ME out on a date jump started this whole thing. she aint ready which is ...lemme stop.

Now i bet you're asking where does that leave me. What do I think? The whole issue that produced such a conversation was the uncertainty on whether she was feeling the kid or not and although I got my answer parts of me is saying i should leave it alone, and i told her this too. She thought i was givin her an ultimatum lol.

Shit every person I've relayed this situation to has told me to move on and I believe I should but I like her too much and perhaps its definitely to a fault because all the things that brings up a red flag in my head are prevalent when dealing with this girl.

• The probability that I am gettin the runaround
• "the chick that don't know what she want"
• the issues with her Sons father.(i hate the babymama/babyfava term). I remember effin with a chick back in albany who would stay talking about her ex, issues wit her ex and all that. this was back in 08 its 010 and shes now fucking her ex. shiet even back in 09 she was fuckin dude. Everyone is different though but A lightbulb just went off in my head when i was talking to albanychiq last night.
  

The signs are definitely there but fuck...

Maybe cause its cuffing season, maybe because I havent had sex in a week or two, maybe its cause I rarely meet girls around here due to unfamiliarity with the city as a whole and being a hombody ( in 2010 imna change my habits on that, real talk) or maybe its the fact that there is another nigga I know of who been trying to put in his bid with her (before i was even in the picture) and I dont wanna bow out and watch him gain ground on some territorial shit.

#truthis..its all of that put together, not an equal distribution though...

This blog has taught me that writing shit down as shown has shown me the reality of the situation. As long as my fingers are candid I will always see the truth that lies in the world regardless of my feeling towards it and with that comes realization. Now Whattheeefuck to do with that realization??

I don't have a new years resolution...nothing sticks out in my head. i just want to advance in age, attitude and prestige.


Ive went back to see if i posted a new years resolution blog last year for 2009. Something interesting i just wanted to see what i wrote.

Blue text indicates that I've fulfilled that resolution in 2009

Happy Belated thanxgiving

a few of the things im thankful for...well one and more than ever its:


I'm very thankful for my fam right now cause they've been the most supportive they have ever been. I mean they have always supported me but that was in better times. Of course nothing is really wrong but they just push me and back me and look out for me and It's evident and clear when thanxgiving rolled around. I cant really think of anything besides health I would be thankful for. Family believed in me during this year of confusion and dissappointment. Things are looking up though cause i got a good score on the GRE's and im counting eggs before they hatch so hopefully im granted luck and I can get into gradschool this fall. Lemme stop i need to hit these applications first but iunno shits just looking UP for once instead of.. u know....middle lol. Progression is a state in which I am most comfortable and I haven't seen it all year since i graduated; but that was a January blog post soo.....

As we continue on:


J*davey my newest addition to my wall of Dimes <--- got some pipes on her. Her partner in crime Beau (the producer) I think his name is produces ear candy at a consistent pace. Not to go all IllRoots/2DopeBoys on you but check out their work for yourself: Beauty in the Distortion/ Land of the Lost.

I finally saw season 3 of the game and "Girl Melanie" is annoying as FUUUUUCK. She stay crying, and how come Derwin gave her that small ass ring for? rookie contracts man..


Ohh yeah i gots my belated Bday gift of a flatscreen TV yesterday (Black Friday) thats all i copped though..

PZ

Often I'd imagine myself goin back in time and meeting myself when I was 13 years old. That would make it 1999 an awesome year, not for me but in general. I'd follow lil man around for a day and I'd just watch a slew of memories as they happen to him and it would just wash over me...I can't think of anything notable now probably just Christine L who was my first crush/lust/ female interest.
Anyway being that I knew so much I'd school my 13 year old self, u kno play butterfly man and all that. I wouldn't change much just give Him some advice u know. Tell him as much as I can n shit. Have him become a lil smart ass. Imagine if my 13 year old self had my current mindset and my knowledge. No one could tell me shit.


I remember back when I was on myspace there was this one blurb/question thatvi had a unique (if I say so myself) answer for. Well it wasn't that unique I think I saw it from somewhere ... MADDA fact I was probably Tupac.

"Well the question was who would you most like to meet?"

I said: I'd wanna meet myself 10years ago and myself 10 years from now so we can have a "State of the Don Conference".

Now I imagine my 13 year old sel walking in with his youthful exuberence, huge ass fuckin glasses our grade school uniform and not knowing what the fuck to expect. Chances are he is uncertain as fuck and just wants to go home. At 13 I was a bit sheltered, not by my folks much but mainly by myself. Trying new things wasn't my forte and I was a bit of a "boo-boo-jea-jea" (creole term for naive pushover) but that's just who I was. As usual he shows up first cause he has nothing else to do and he always shows up on time..."Things are scheduled for a reason". He waits like 10 mins then comes future Don. 33 year old Donnie is a mild mannered dude. He has a certain air about him and 13 year old don is amazed because he is staring at himself yet it's almost as if doni33 is a different person. See donni33 has a wife and a kid. He works for internal affairs and is content with his life. Donald as a whole wasn't he most ambitious dude so as soon as he found a tier with the right amount of salary and responsibility with a dash of career worth he stuck to it. Hes seen places lil Don13 hasn't even read about yet, Istanbul, Brazil, Amsterdam, Australia, Cape Town, Paris, Scotland... he's a worldly dude. He's seen alot so he's as even keel as he's ever been and he's mastered the art of reading people. So don13's amazement with him was easily read. They sit down and don33 can't help but smile at the pudgy kid. Don13 does the same but as they speak in comes don23 with headphones blaring...don33 can't help but feel the feeling of euphoria as he's heard every effing song that the collective has heard thus far in their lives. He thinks how 2009 was an "ehh" year for music but the Dons always had nice taste in music so they've always been unaffected. Don23 gives each of em a handshake, a headnod and a wassup he also smiles at lil d. See Don23 was a a medium in between the two naturally. He's very skeptical and thinks bad of the world but he has to live in it so he's looking to find his place where the shit world would not affect him. This place is a mental, social and a financial place and not a physical..place =). He has a bit of ambition so that's about all on his mind besides the sex. He can be a bit cold and insensetive (so im told) at times and it was evident when he arrived but he warmed up real quick...after all he is amongst more than friends and family. So the three sit down and talk. We empower the kkid, teach him how to grow up better than he's destined to be...basically we give him a cheat sheet on life cause we are always looking to improve isht..we are calculating like that. For the 23 year old we remind him to stop being so skeptical and to look at the world from multiple perspectives like he preaches. We talk about focus and we reinstall the "kid" in him. Along the way he's lost some of that childlike optimism because even though everything around him at times seems bleak, focus, optimism and strength will lead him through. And for the Don33, all he asks is that we stop eating like pigs. Its more directed towards lil Donnie but Don23 could do more to ensure that Don33 won't have to worry about doctor visits. Don33's main motivation for being at this meeting is to make himself a better person literally and figuratively and to impart wisdom on his "selfpeers" to ensure such a thing happens.

Iunno why i did this ...im just bored it does however tell me something about who i was, am and wish to be though..."intewesting"!!

PZ

Sent from my iPod

I wrote this a while back ...

*Some Notes*
"( )" = present day edit...cuz shit changes sometimes
Jah is the latest chiq that i wrote about theres a link here somewhere... Allons y (go ahead)

Iite I just got back from shorty crib (this past Tuesday) . Annnnnnd I'm on that fuck It shit. As much as I wanted to just break it off wit her I couldn't. I didn't feel like it.

Why?

A... that's some foul isht if I just left her based on her past cuz us men as a majority be on that, heavy... Shiet maybe some the ladies also. Besides just cuz she lost her card earlier and had more action than I (smh) shouldn't condemn her to umm "whoredom".

*Ahem* any way...

B... I dig (dug) her she got a body and we cliq(ed) like that. That's why coming at her like I did was...awkward and she probably sensed that I wasn't as firm on my trying to break it off with her as i should have been. She also gave me maaaad chances to choose my words and to think the decision over and that was something lol; especially since I came at her on some rude/jackass type shit. Yeah ya boy was on the phone basically sayin I didnt wanna be with her cause she was on her libertine shit. I disguised my words just a little so whatever came out was very transparent but I guess it takes some kinda "like for someone" to withstand that and it was notable.
__________

(written today)


So we broke in a three pack one night...did it thrice on another night ....


annnd


She a freak! and that's saying something when I say it, like on some OD isht! I cant get a 5 minute refractory period after i bust. Like i had her squirting all types of....i digress for crassness sake....and for the fact that i have no clue what comes out when one does that lovely umm ...its a sight to see

check that off my to do list


I'm just saying... I made her "arrive" 2/3 times (i get tired) n isht and then I get there to where she's at so we stop and the first thing she says is ohhh i "want it again" I'm like damn can i at least take the condo off??!?. Now im always down to go rounds but I'm starting to think she's insatiable..even when there are obvious signs that should tell me that arrived home she goes and tell me she lives on the other side of town wit her grandma! Feel me? Then again..maybe thats just another challenge. ohh well.. its definitely a good problem so I can't complain much, im a freak my damn self! I'm def not keeping a 12 pack on me when i see her tho.

Other than that she mad cool and she's someone to chill with in this lonely ass city, I'm enjoying that just as much. Shit and she got 76ers tickets! Part of me likes her but part of me don't, at least like on some potential wifey isht, she just don't got it. As i stay around her more and more and I'm trying to be candid but I'm bored... Its only after you get all of the 20 that u start missing the 80

Yeah homegirl wanna give me the the 20 twice over. I appreciate it but i cant see myself with her for long. lol iunno wrong? maybe. but what the fuck am i supposed to do? Give her a complimentary year of relationserviceship? I should have just deaded it back then. The thing is i do wanna be cool with her sooo ima just pretend to be insecure, nice and indecisive, you know, like i was back in 2004...

lol

pZ

Sent from my iPod

...

My mood right now? Iunno I'm down but I can only go up from here. I met a new chick not too long ago and she occupied my time on Sunday. We saw a movie n all took her to wendys lol (her idea, i hate fastfood chains). Next thing u know we forwarding over to this lovers lane type of spot (her idea, im still type new to the city) overlooking some body of water where we proceeded to do some objectionable things in the backseat of the car. Im gonna spare the details in an effort to be alot less crass (being that the viewers are generally women). Let's just say it was all foreplay...no coitus cuz red death was looming...again smh.
Anyway I saw her again yesterday (tues) and more of the same happened. But she kept dropping subtle hints about her past which led me to pop the question. I asked her straight up: how many bodies have u had? aka how many dudes have you been with (F*ck*d)?

She gives me A number I wasn't expecting. Think Lebron James number but the other way. and I proceded to turn as pale as a chocolate brotha can. I kept my composure but she sensed my shock. She kept tryin to defend herself but all I could think about was me and the worse case scenario. Eventually I responded like I'm cool (unconvincingly) cuz she really feeling me when in my head I'm like game over. I can't be with a chick who's been with that many dudes. Yeah, yeah i know double standard, judging, sexist pig, nigga please, wtf and all that but sorry no can do. She asked me if I thought she was a "whore" as she put it and I said no cause I didn't kno the situation behind all them. When that statement left my tongue in my mind that was the truth. I really don't know what situations she's been in but that didn't mean I was down with gettin with her cuz that's a number I can't do; not for the fact that the number is type high bit the risk definitely isn't worth the reward. Its not the number its basically the possibilities and her attitude towards it. shit look how easy it was for me

Smh

Am I oding? Am I wrong to do homegirl like i did. I tried breaking it off but i made it sound as if she an effing skank which may not be the case (i was guilty lol)... iunno u divide that number by 7 and u get like 5.3 per year which isnt that bad. Besides that's probably normal for all I know. I just never had to ask a chick this. my curiosity kept peaking because of all these lil hints n shit. I'm not judging homegirl. Shiet I know dudes that are worse and i don't condone that either. . What's done is done. Kinda... the door is stilll open a bit cause i need to gauge on whether or not I am actually acting based on my OD fear of catching something that i cant let go of...or is it some common sense shit...besides i don't know how the average 22 year old do...



Sent from my iPod

1. What time did you get up this morning? 930 cuz i dreamt of killin somebody

48. Coffee drinker? nope...never again!!!! since a bug wound up on my tongue that one time

Iite so I havent always been the cool dude that I am today. I remember back in the day I would stay getting into fights stay confronting niggas not with words but with fists n feet. Simply put there was a time in my life where fighting solved everything and most of the time it didn't but it was the ultimate closure. It was how I got rid of bullies and how I dealt with backstabbers and judas'.

I guess that's why I tend to watch mixed martial arts (MMA) cuz it's basically two dudes enter a cage and fight and I mean truly fight not that fake wrestling shit ( even though 95-98 I was the I'll wrestling fan). I never was into boxing maybe just Mike Tyson since he was a fucking menace with the hands and otherwise lol. I guess it's because it's too disciplined. When I fought I basically was on that unorthodox "Krazate" shit. Anything went all but the foreign objects and I liked rumblin that way so i appreciate people using mixed martial arts to beat each other up (pause ll) to a bloody pulp (ll). Anyway MMA is mos definitely an up and coming sport I've fucked with it off an on for years now but this is the strongest push toward the mainstream it's had since it's primitive inception. I can't help but watch and get hype for it cuz it's kinda like a rush seeing someone get knocked out cause i guess deep down inside i'm still a violent person.

Im a chill dude now cause i needed a wake up call and beating my brother up for a box of captain crunch was that wake up call..ive basically been a pacifist ever since...but i've had *umm* thoughts lol

Shit as much as Ive fought (when i was younger) I've never knocked anyone out! Then again I didn't have muscles back then iunno I feel like if I wasn't fat as a kid I'd be a bony ass muhhfucka I had no muscles under there at all lol.


Then came Albany then that all changed but not before I've noticed lil Asian fellas benching more than I could at that point lol.

Yeah MMA can be ufcked up and I love watching it. With boxing all u get is some hits n clinching for half a round per round..

Shit I sometimes dream of doing it. It's been way too long since I fought and that's a good thing cuz niggas is crazy/sensitive/bitch made/stupid nowadays and you are liable to get killed... Win or lose...

Yo when's the last time I Fu*ked a broad???


I think it was month ago. Maybe more lol i try not to fuck and write but shit why not last time I had sex was fuckin traumatic!! No fuckin joke.

See

Umm I've never been with a chick "right after" (aka during) her period. And umm let's just say I freaked out a lil. Now I have worked around these things before. No sex for a week ain't so bad cuz anticipation makes the next sesxion so much betta besides a week break ain't a bad idea since I need it at least twice a day ( ohh yeah).

Well this chick obviously needed it too cuz she let me dip me hotdog into her BBQ sauce. Ok part of it is my fault cuz I was "postponed" (she said no) earlier in the week so I needed the poom that night so I start pushing her buttons and boom I got to beat. Now I'm hittin it doggy n everything and everything all well n good when I. Nut and pull out

***Whoa..don't get I twisted I used a condom my dickskin has never felt the inside of a woman.***

remember my worst fear..

So when I pull out I look at my dick and instead of lookin at it with content and thinking of a job well done I look at it with horror and I swear I turned light skinned for a second. There was blood all over DMV (da main vein). My mind starts racin and I moved on over to her bathroom where i proceed to waste all her toilet paper wiping her blood off my pubes n isht. I was freeeeakin out and I wore a fuccin condom!! ( there was some dick remainder left uncovered)
Anyway, sexually I was a done dizzy for at leasta week that shit killled my sex drive for a minute I even stopped hollering at chix period until I met shorty from work which wasn't long after the umm bloodwork.

I may have oded but as a nigga who's deathly afraid of catching anything that may render my dick useless Id say I publicly kept my cool. Shit i remember doing at least 70mph driving back home so I can take a (chemical)shower.

So anyway during my sexual hiatus I kinda sorta practiced more than usual on jerking/jackin/wanking/wacking off. So much so that I attempted abstaining from doing it. I lasted a week (5days) lol. So yeah it's about time I come off this dryspell but I'm in no rush. Basically am celibate till I get a girl (or a potential) anyway so unless that happen my dick gonn be dryer than a column in ancient Egypt.
Shit basically ive been chilling mainly my focus is chilling,working ,studying and trying to get another legit job in my field. If it wasn't for JS I wouldn't be talking to nobody. Now when it comes to this chick i find myself...concerned a lil (right now). I've mentioned her before here and here. We've been talking on the phone every night and shooting each other lil wall posts on facebook at a rate Ive never been a part of and all that is well and good; but these last couple of days though I guess I made it over that arc like... I've never liked her more than i do now. Now that was kinda what I set out to do but before I naturally kept it easy, took it slow (for once)...gave her her space (cuz she needed it) now as i got to know her more I'm feeling her more than ever, this getting to know someone concept is a trip lol


I feel that i shouldn't show that too much though cause I've been told that im an aggressive dude lol specially when it comes to sex/relationships....i just call it Probity/Candor/Honesty. I want what i want when i want and imna do what i can to attain it even if it means putting all the cards on the table facing up.

but anyway Ima keep it cool cuz she scared of everything lol



Sent from my iPod

:-D

yes yes yall im officially 24 today...one more til the pseudo/figurative quarter life completion (im def not livin till 100, most people don't anyway if one does they make the news lol) daaamn this morning I was still in bed and i think to myself some people do 25 years jail. Thats maaaad long like ive been alive for a loooong ass time lol. Obviously im OD ing lol its not like im a True Blood vampire and i'm 223. Its just a way to measure how far ive come and how much i appreciate living this long when some people don't get to. Ive gone from sperm to and 8lb baby alll the way to 5'9 175 pound man. Life is something isnt it, we are all walking living breathing miracles in some way i envy parents cuz they get to witness such a thing in the 3rd person.

I promise i'm not high (i swore off it till i get a stable job)


anyway yeah niggas is 24 i hate growing old but whatever...it happens

check the shit i brought

Iite so here go another one I've promised to write about previously.

Iite dad pops assclown lol.

I don't make it a habit of even thinking bout this dude (much less blogging about him) but i since i havent mentioned him on here ever annnnd ...hekindahassomethingtodowithmeexisting (lol) and he was brought up by me me in a previous post i might as well record the backstory a lil...

Anyway

ummm he wasn't always a ghost sometimes he was kinda there. And me being the wide eyed-in need of and fatherly influence type of child I was I was cool with it shit i was elated at times. Sometimes we ( me n my brother) would do the crying thing when he pulled a no show (alot) but we were kids anyway and he was our dad we took it to heart as kids do. As we got up there in age the further apart from our father we became. Although we revered him as kids we also feared him. He was just a stern ass traditional haitian dude who can be some kind of an an ass-sphincter at times especially to my mother and although we were both boys and we saw our flawed father as if he could do no wrong we loved ( & still do) our moms. So I resented him for that. As we grew up his bullox became more evident, especially in my eyes. Slowly but surely . His personality wasn't complimentary to mine, he never supported he only sought to tear down. He basically held me back if I grew up under his "rule" I would a completely different person today lol i have pics to prove it. Havin me dressin like Urkel n shit. I would have been miserable up to this point in my life!! LoL
Anyway I remember we had a falling out cause he wanted me to wear some type of dress shirt and his tone bugged me so much that it got to the point where I was about to cuss him out on some oedipus shit but moms stopped me. Ever since that altercation i had no words with the man. See most people they would say dumbness like "ohh do u miss him". Shit even when I was goin to therapy the lady would constantly ask about this nigga like he had such a profound effect on my life, like i was still 5! He didn't, he was just there and when he was there I disliked him. He's an embarrassment, he's a liar, he abuses women, he's a dictator and he's a deadbeat whats to like about dude. Like damn I don't understand how people can give him so much credit lol; I don't even pronounce the last name the way his fam does. To be honest when i see a child and his father on the street or wherever I don't think about what i don't have cause i never liked what i had... being a son was a burden, it was a cage. Instead I think about what I'm gonna be like when I'm a father and how I'm gonna be naturally better at it than he could possibly fathom.




Sent from my iPod

ahhh shit


I'm beginning to understand my ways when it comes to my social interaction with the fairer sex. When I'm feeling someone, i'm feeling em but when I am turned off or i can't see myself with them anymore i douse our bridge in kerosene and i light a match. In one fell swoop a couple of paragraphs i can damage a relationship (in the general social sense of the word) to a point where it cannot be repaired. I just go into fuck it mode and say things or do things that blow it all the fuck up. As I grow I've been doing this more and more, especially if any hope is lost. I'm starting to feel that this is the case right now. Someone is feeling themselves too much and has demonstrated that they have a history of getting dudes to feel a certain way just to play them in the end. She stays telling me about it. Oh homie does this but i deaded him, fella does that and he loves me (big lol after the sentance) and not to mention the EX thing ....jeeze. Besides the long distance thing defenitely isn't my flow so why not go all pyro.
After that I was like "damn if I was exclusive to her at that certain point in time (last semester of school) I would be kicking myself in tha ass right now." So today again she mentions the nigga, as she goes on i cut her off and say imna watch the game [tosses match into the gasoline drenched bridge], she got all upset and said it was rude but damn im not trying to be like them other suckers in ya life and im damn sure not trying to be hearing about ya ex for the umpteemth day in a row...


I do this

I do this to cut losses
I do this to prove that no one isnt expendable and to demonstrate my strength, so much people are guilty of keeping the wrong people in their lives on borrowed time, fucking up their lives even more so I'm treatin it like a band-aid rip that shit right off...

Time waits for no one, while ones mind is wrapped around the wrong person, you could be missing out on someone else...

and I hate missing out

Relationships are never a threat cuz i'll erase the history and act like we've never met.
- Joe Budden

is this one worth keeping though?? Maybe....we'll see
I dont have to rebuild a bridge the same way it was before...it just gotta be there...right????

My thirst for knowledge is not being fulfilled. I take school for granted to a degree but I was learning. Professors were dictating, I was studying I was getting knowledge, getting smarter.

Now that I'm not in school ( i graduated) I'm no longer doing any of those things.

I'm not studying Psychology and Sociology theories and applying them to real life. I'm not learning new things from random general education classes. I'm just chilling, watching TV, looking for a job, playing video games, looking for girls to fill a void. etcetera. I'm not learning anything and i feel that I'm suffering for it.
Sometimes when i think or read I skip around. I'm not finishing thoughts and sometimes i have pauses in speech where I'm thinking of what to say mid sentence and that fucks up my whole speech. I am studying for the GRE's and that is something but its basically studying how to get through the test. I'm learning GRE words and that's cool but I'm a humanities guy; i like learning about human phenomenons social or psychological. Thats probably why Ive been reading so much blogs lately. I'm interested in whats in other peoples heads. How they live, their opinions, their values or reasoning, all of that. I'm trying to learn, to apply new things into my life, i feel that i could read a book right now.



I feel like the blogs are not enough though i need to keep stimulated in an intellectual way. Ive been in school non stop every year from kindergarten to December 7th 2008. I just gotta get used to not being in school, at least for a while because grad school is a must. Until then I'm gonna bookmark the newyorktimes.com and I'm gonna keep reading blogs and maybe eventually self help books [who doesn't need self help].

I need knowledge to flow in between my ears constantly in order to feel right....something else im learning about myself...

Cool Runnings lol ..it aint that bad, now i know why people like it.
Its 2...well 3AM and i feel like typing.

Day one of the gym challege went down. did my thing for about two hours, i expect a sore chest and swollen triceps tommorow morning. Tommorow for back and Bi's i do cardio everytime i go to the gym.

wooow nigga pulled an ice cold braid off his head lol

I got a busy day ahead of me...well not really i just got activities lined up, mail this, do that... a non idle day is a good day nowadays...damn i hope i get a job soon. I dont know why i have such a grim outlook on life nowadays. I want me a nice postgrad job but outside of the internet i dont know where to find one... im fuckin lost as fuck. theres no way im workin at a jimmy jazz or a sbarros with a degree, my pride will not allow it. even though im finna go to grad school in the fall i want something resume worthy.
Speaking of grad school its becomming stressfull. I knew what i wanted to do but i got my mom in my ear tellin me that Urban planning aint a good idea, cuz some muhfucka told her that he has a friend who majored in such a program and he supposedly is working at UPS n shit. Me being the cautious person i am i heed the words and look for an alternative but now I'm stuck and i dont know what program to go for. Shits wack as fuck and im feenin to go for it anyway... either that or advertising/marketing, ive always been interested in that. Anyway thats been bothering me... yooo ive been stressing too much already and i just fuckin graduated college. Im not about to start balding cuz of stress and gettin grey hairs n shit. I gots to keep my cool cuz aint shit worth a balding head ya digg, not a good look at all...

My lady goin to albany tommorow add another 300+ miles to our distance away from each other... Its wierd that im not going back to albany for school . No more payin bills for a while. No more roomates..im not missing most, but i do miss it, i woulda had a shitty time anyway, i aint know anyone lol, especially since more people graduated. Yeah im glad im out of albany, at least for undergrad. Im bored reading this whole thing, so ima stop writing

I should rename this blog drom hard words on Soft Sheets to something else. Writing these things down isnt hard anymore. Sharing em will always be but iunno about that. I gotta learn to be comfortable with myself and share myself with others well everyone. As i typed that last sentance a skeptical look crept over my face. This world is too cutthroat for me to "share myself" openly.

See how i compromise my previous statement with the last one. I genuinely meant what i said at the time but i disagreed with myself with the next sentance. Thats how complex I am, I could say something and disagree later. Its like im fighting myself. These contradictory statements one behind another shouldnt be happening but it is. I dont think its a mental problem at all. Sometimes i know whats good for me and despite my true wishes i go with whats best.
The first statement suggesting i share myself is what's best for me in the long run. I will be more comfortable around people and they will know who I am without having to pry n shit. The second statement is what i really want to do because life is a bitch and in order for me to survive well imna have to keep doin what im doin. I stay fighting/analyzing/restraining myself; like i dont have to live in this world too. little by little im breaking the links though, the process just needs to happen faster, I'm 22 years young!

Is it in my own nature
to bind myself
to become my own hater
to hide myself
To be a ghost in flesh
in conflict without making sounds
Why the fuck do I keep putting me Down
deaf to my wants and my needs
planting seeds
of doubt, jealousy, my heart bleeds
like the rest of em
there he go life Lsat testing him
keeps failing cus his lefts fightin his right
blinding him yung homie not seeing the light
he moves forward carrying weight of many men
learnin to control his conflictin brain stem
soon they learn to become good to the nigga
situations to the hatian his perspecives gettin bigger


im gettin good at this, i wish i had a spliff right now

For as long as i can remember I've always been a private person. I don't know when i started to become such a person but i have no qualms about labeling myself as one. It is what it is. Maybe i like the freedom of being a present day nigga (dude without a past). By nature I like keeping to myself i dont like sharing shit about me.

Heres my mental about the whole thing::
Everything is a implied secret until brought into question by whoever asks a question, then I look at the relationship i have with whoever and depending on that and my intentions with whoever i will tell them whatever it is i was previously keeping.

If its about me its automatically kept under wraps; lol ( i was born for the FBI); i dont even mix and match people. friends from home and college friends never meet..everyone is sectioned off naturally. its really wierd writing this:

1. Becasue it sounds OD wierd
2. Because im writing this shit actually down, tellin why i keep secrets

I dont like being the but of public discussion, especially when its about what i do and the inner workings of what i do. I dont like being scrutinized unless i ask for it. I ask for it alot though from certain people ima tell u the reason why after im through with this jawnt. Sometimes it shocks me when people tell me they have been talkin about me. In my head i go like, why? lol like im not hot shit. hmm its not that i dont like being the butt of public discussion maybe I dont expect to be.
Anyway its in my nature to keep to myself i cant help it. Sometimes it gets in the way though especially with tellin the ladies about who they are dealing with. I generally open up to em because the goal is to get them comfortable around me so i can do whatever (Fuck em or Wife em). speaking of ladies I tend to open up to girls; no man alive knows what three or four girls know when it comes to me. A.J,T.G,T.V,N.B shouts to em cuz without them no one would have a clue bout me.
Ladies generally care more i feel that they pry more also leading me to tell em more shit. No nigga knows about me because ive been burned in the past by telling dudes about me and they've used it against me, specially during grade school. Besides other niggas have more potential to be enemies than any female so i just let them get the surface me. Thats why i generally have no best friend whos a male cuz deep down inside i dont trust them with the inner workings of myself. I don't see it changing any time soon and that may be a problem in anyone elses eyes; i'll admit that but to me its just my way of surviving. Maybe i should just stop worrying about what other muthafuckas think and just do me. Yes, but i do me anyway i just dont have to explain it to anyone unless i want to ( i have the solutions and the rebuttals; my brain at war). Thats probably how its gonna be for the rest of my life and im good.

The movie was crazy. point blank period lol. Ive never been soo into such a film, it never let me go. since the beginning of the movie i don't think my mouth closed once. The man pictured above is mainly the reason for such a reaction. I know everyone and their mother is saying this, but you won't hear different from me...Heath Ledger defenitely is getting an award for this performance. I heard that sometimes he would have a hard time shaking this character off. There must be some type of omen or some shit with this character because Jack Nicholson said he warned him. Its sad but hey the movie was mad good.

Granted I'm probably not the only person but i love rooting for the Villains in movies. i don't know why anyone would do otherwise. Maybe its cause they are doing things i wish i could do. they stand out, they know better...they aren't bound by rules n shit, that's who i am but at a not so extreme level. sure i may look like the good dude or the nice guy but if you ask my mom like really ask her chances are shed say that's not me at all.Of course i don't want to go blowing up buildings and laughing like a homicidal maniac but i do have a dark side which i favor alot more than my good side. My good side is weak yo, not to be schizophrenic but it is. When you follow the rules it makes you lesser than you are. you are bound to a piece of paper or words that someone else have said. If i wasn't as chill as i am then id probably be a bad person to be honest with you. People mistake my apathy for me being cool or chill when in reality I don't give a fuck. i remember my junior year of college when my roommate would always call me the "yes" guy. lol... there is a difference from being the yes guy and just happening to say yes to everything. lol its not like they ever asked me to eat shit or anything.. i would say that it just happened to be my apathy combined with me always wanted to live the college lifestyle. everything i happened to say yes to it was because i wanted to or i didnt care either way.. but i went off tangent. Umm, where was I....To tell yall the truth i am really impatient, self centered, rebel, outlawish, vindictive and hurtful when i bother to open my mouth and i used to be violent when i was little. Some of you can see a little bit of these traits in me but most of you don't. Probably because you dont know me, or maybe im protecting yall from the real me. the way some people i know operate i don't think they could handle all that... What y'all do know is that sometimes i take people as nothing, relationships sometimes dont mean jack to me once i look at you in that negative light chances are you are done. I recently deaded my ex roomate for being a fuckin snake. no big arguments, no bad mouthing i just stopped talking to him. Ive done that a lot in my life he wasn't the first. I don't know how people would criticize such a move but it is what i do. I don't need to go into a shouting match with anybody in order to make a break in some friendship.... Joe Budden said it best:: "Relationships are never a threat, cuz i'll erase the history and act like we never met"
either that is how i do or i just haven't met anyone that is worth fighting for yet, i pride myself in not reacting to anything, no one can take me from my center, i leave when i wanna.. so instead of that rah rah fuck yous id rather we just say nothing

that's been me since i was little, whether it was through disagreements or just doing wrong to me, i just make the switch....

when i was little i would seriously fight my friends all the time. Ive definitely fought more friends than enemies in my life. i guess that's why friendships dont mean that much to me, all my life my enemies have been posing as friends so i naturally keep people at an arms length... (wow realization moment)

I mean there could be many reasons why i dont show people the dark side orf me maybe i dont have the courage to bring it out, I've always been smart and cunning maybe i realize that its not "profitable" to act in such a way i definitely have made opportunities being that good dude specially recently. Lookin back i could definitely say its a mixture of both. I am still trying to find my place in the world and being the good guy has opened doors.


.....God help me when i dont need anyone though

IM trying to be as positive as possible in lieu of the new me....well lemme start off by tellin u about the old me or the subliminal me because the "old" me is probably still in the new me. i wasnt always the man you see before you; i came into this world with limited material I didn't even have one third of a father; But thats no excuse there are plenty fatherless childs out there and they are ok. Not to say im not ok but there are certain aspects of my life thats fucked up, to be honest with myself.
Confidence wasnt always my flow i came from a shy ass chubby quiet kid with little words and no substance, i looked smart but i was a slacker (the reason i looked the way i did is cuz i was dolled up by my pops, Thick framed glasses, stupid rags and a fucked up constitution) but i always had that subliminal jene sais qoi..it made me be not totally a loner...i was lookin like a chubbed up urkel yet chillin with the popular kids lol, ive held my own in fights one loss danny xiao but thanx to Tacha.V a nigga felt like he won, lol. ive had dates to dances, i was in detention..it was what it was (nostalgia).
The point is i was below my standards almost all my life..but i always kneww that someday i would be "perfect"...this perfect is in the eyes of the beholder (me). ive been humbled constantly growin up which makes my personality top notch, now i just need the body (in my opinion)...lol one of the things ive learned in psychology this year is the mental fuck up that is body dismorphic disorder its when someone is stressin over an imagined or a minor body defect only my defect wasnt imagined, i was a biggun lol. i probably dont have the disorder but it did stress me all my life, ALL MY LIFE yoe. its affected my competence and my social functioning to this day.

However this aint no crying session i just need yall and me to understand where my mind state was at..

as i grew it became a bigger problem, only i didnt let it show AT ALL, although im missing certain aspects of a normal nigga...pride has never been absent in my life. ive never been the type to let anyone see me in a weak state. NEEEVER!!!! i just sucked it up (no homo) and bottled up my problems until im strong enough to deal with them, and deal with them is exactly what i did..

Triple fast forward to college
real college lol SUNY ALBANY

im livin downtown where im surrounded by white folks for the first time ever (in a somewhat closed situation *the college ghetto*, cuz we all surrounded by white people lol) the differences has never been so evident. Here i am a fat black dude livin in pine hills, albany lol me being negative i feel im not gettin no play so i eventually suck it up and joined the gym... i was a fuckin machine..Five days a week, i would take the weekends off to drink and nurse my hangovers. i would do this every week until i felt something, anything different. whether it was a "lookin good don" or a favorable weight decrease dictated by the scale at 218 quail street lol. Eventually i lost 20 pounds! i found this out during a party lol i was drinkin and i needed to break the seal and there was the scale..I stepped on it and i was 20 pounds lighter! thats when i knew that it could be done; that a kid fat out the womb can actually decrease in size with enough grit and determination. i kept going but not enough to get the job done...but all that told me that my goal can be achieved and it granted me a light at the end of the tunnel and at that point in life it was enough, there was partying to be done, alchohol to drown myself in, bitches to fuck...

fast forward to now this instant 11:24 PM July 15th, 2008 Philadelphia, Pennsylvania..i am probably 55 pounds lighter than when i started within 15 pounds of reaching my first goal and of course shits changed lol.On the surface i got confidence ive never would have had if it wasnt for the work put in.Granted i coulda lost every fat calorie in my body in 7 months like my brother did but shit im not much for sacrifices lol, but like the clipse said "times a wasting, niggaz doin so much hating, Free ya heart and show your greatness". And thats what's im trying to do as soon as possible who knows who i can be without this burden. Maybe i can actually get into a relationship without pushing people away or i can actually believe what one wants to be with me. Maybe i can be have total confidence in my competence, the belief that im ok in this world. Im tryin to free my heart. Niggaz is in chains, ive been caged by God and by myself. Ive had a certain idea of who and what i should look like and when i didnt look like that schema i wouldnt take any shots in the game of life. example: ohh that girl is fine but aww shit im fat what would it look like if shes seen with me like that. lol plain self doubt/hate/ watever u wanna call it. i was chained but currently these chains are loosening. yeap, who knows how many chains my soul is shackled to; God dont play. (im not blaming God im saying he made me the 8 pound baby im just trying to undo his majestic work a little). i can feel it, im so close when i walk into rooms its soo diffferent then before. When i walk into a room i can feel eyes looking at me, that doesnt change but my reaction to those eyes is different. These muthafuckas lend me their eyes and sometimes I feel like im God's Favorite; like there is a spotlight on me that only I can see. They say that God's Favorite has a Hard Time and i did but i just needed to work hard to come out on top. The dude wanna see me rise, i wouldnt enjoy the outcome of loosing weight if it was just given to me, there wouldn't even be a problem. Maybe he wanted to see what would arise out of a person like me. Maybe he wanted to see what a prideful man trapped in his own skin would do to set his soul free and what would become of him when he does free his soul. Who am i to let my spiritual father down lol shiiieeeet like he believed i would stay the way i was.

Any way the point of this post is to let yall know and for me to finally put into words my life struggle. And now when my dream is finally comming true i feel comfortable in letting the world know lol, whenever i release this to whoever. Now lemme go talk to my baby