I am kinda anxious about how things are progressing with my girl. I have to look for a ring soon but the head and the heart are not in accord. Fuckmkkmkk!
She's so good to me
My new job has some significant pros and cons but overall I like it.
I look at porn way too often
Like way too often...
My libido is on a cycle and I don't know how to feel about it.
Yes I do.
Bad
Growing old sucks
I need to start making better decisions about what to eat and lit in my body. I'm not helping this "getting old" situation by eating pole a pig.
I'm gonna be more socially active and handy this year with hopes that it will stick for years to come.
The play on words "thots" as opposed to using "thoughts"is a work in progress.
"Weak" was written in my head as I was on my way home from some situation I been through with my now girlfriend. I felt bad not writing it down cuz it needed to recorded. It doesn't apply to JUST her.
Neither does it apply to all women.
Audience, if you are out there, chances are you know who I'm talking about.
The needy/clingy
The insecure
The self defeatist
The weak
I'm sick of em b.
Yeah, its harsh , but I'm not all there myself. See, I'm emotionally unavailable. I'll admit to my weaknesses (if you can call it that). I would say emotionally void but the "unavailable" term or the term emotionally awkward describes me perfectly.
So you could see where I come from.
If you can't ...peep this...and I'm not boasting, I'm trying to paint a picture.
1) I've fallen in love 2 times. The first time, I fell out of"love"a week later. The second time, I fell out of love anywhere between 6months to a year and a half in the relationship. Not sure when it happened but I'm not about to open up that can.
2) I hardly ever say " I love you" to anyone. Not those two females I alluded to above nor my mother and other family members. I'll reciprocate the notion if someone says it to me but I'll rarely come out and state it.
That's not to say I don't love my family though.
Cuz I do..
But there's this meme going around that states :"what's understood does not need to be explained". Something like that. Its sums my attitude about it nicely.
3) I don't understand the healing power of hugs. I was told that they can be comforting. Sex is comforting too tho. So is alone time and meditation.
4) I don't understand venting. I've tried it but I'd rather keep to myself and try to fix the issue. People are different though and I'm a decent listener.
Whatever... please believe that neediness and emotional hand holding is not for me. I'm not the one for it, not cuz I don't want to... its because I do not understand the need. When you whine to me over something, chances are that ill look at you as if you are a whiny child. Like yo, here you are, you're trying to get me to help you, and you end up annoying me. It ain't your fault, that's just how I see things in my head. It's like we speak a different language. It's like I have on the proverbial emotional beer goggles. I just think differently when confronted by that kind of stimuli. *Kanye Shrug*,
If I have an issue, I handle it, I forget about it, I move on. My ideal woman is a woman who is sorta like me. Someone I don't have to baby. Someone who is mentally strong. She don't gotta be cold, just don't be weak.
Anyway
I was just upset that I couldn't find that person. Then I look up and down my fb timeline and instagram timeline and I see women who have turned super soft as a result of being dicked down by a male flavor of the month.
Months before, those same women were bad mouthing the last guy lol. talking shit and boasting about their ability to be without their former significant other when before they couldn't live without em. At least that's what it looked like in my POV. Its a cycle and I'm just sick of the phoniness.
Show ya strength.... whether you're alone or otherwise.
Why is it that people, more specifically women, habitually and routinely fail to show their strength??
A woman can be in a relationship with someone and revert to what appears to be toddler like behavior. They all of a sudden rest on their laurels and just stop trying to be emotionally self sufficient. Just cuz u talking to someone or are in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you get to start being emo child.
"Oh my day is bad... fuck what you're currently doing and listen to me whine about shit."
"I need a hug, come to the opposite end of town and give it to me...never mind that we were within 5 minutes of each other an hour ago and I'm coming at you with this now."
"Oh no you aren't heeding my requests at the time it was requested even though you got shit to do.. this is a major indication of a character flaw you possess."
"I need you."
Or
"#him"
"#him is everything right now"
"I don't know what id do without #him"
Yadda yadda, u get the picture.
Then when things eventually dissolve and y'all break up NOW she wanna show strength, now she wants to be Ms independent, now she wants to grow up and have an emotional backbone.
"Team single"
"Fuck Nigs get Money"
"Can't raise a man"
"Nigs ain't shit"
"Guys are all dogs"
Posting blog posts about how men ain't shit and that they are immature/whatever!!!
Where was that attitude when y'all were together. Where was that strength when you were arguing with that man over some menial bull s*** . When did you become a 20 something year old again?? Look who's back.
I may be insensitive but yeah the hypocrisy is staggering. Its retarded. if you are a strong woman show that s*** all the time . Not just when it's convenient or when you're hurt or when you're not with somebody. Because it's that strength that probably brought a man to you. No one wants an emotional ball and chain. Especially a person like myself who values his own strength and the strength he sees in others.
Like yo....my ideal chick is Claire Underwood from House of Cards. Not because she's white, but because she's in touch with her emotions but she does not let them rule her. She doesn't fight with Frank over bullshit and she is objective oriented. Team player. Frank doesn't have to carry her.
Hmmm....
We can all dream tho.
hmm
Yeah looks like Ima be sending this money talks DVD back, smh. At least cooley high doesn't skip smh some times shit with the used tag...smh it's risky lemme just say that.
Any way I ain't done shit tnite. Nothin social at least well ibwas on the phone for an hour wit Jbird. Jbird just a nickname shit lemme just say JS. she is by no means a bird lol don't get it tangled&twisted Don don't fucc wit birds or rats unless they profound and celibate... And willing to break that wi me lol.
anyway js is a chick I met from work I talked about her before. That's another post though.
Some noteabke shit from today
Yo I woke up this morning to a story about how my cousin got into it with his mom.
He is 12...uhhh 13 years old.
I can't say it's suprising. Shit I was still in my post sleep state after moms told me. We were all a witness to him being spoiled by his mom and time and time Again I would say either aloud or to myself that his spoiled ass would backfire on her. Smh low and behold 13 years later it's apparent that's she payin for it. While he was here I noticed he has a tendencyto talk shit while he gettin scolded. And his mom wud get so pissed that she smacked him upside the dome or hit him with a shoe on some od shit. I mean I'm no softie but using a weapon is a nono always has been in my book! The only allowable foreign object when it comes to a parent child disciplinary relationship is a belt. Even the buckle is od even though statistics show that more and more parents are using that part on they childs hindparts nowadays lol (jk). When i was younger i remember staying over this chicks house (her moms was my sitter) and she would get her ass WHIPPED. I remember her mom hitting her with an umbrella n shit. it was traumatic as hell to see. In this day and age where does one draw the line between disipline and abuse? not to say that my aunt is abusing my cousin cuz that certainly is not the case, she just doing extra to get through to him even though its not working. I think the only reason he lashed back at my aunt the way he did was behind some od shit like that. There comes a point where one gets tired of gettin hit with the belt. my last year of getting whuppings (14-15 years) I faked the pain. Shit or I wouldn't even yell even tho that made it kinda worse lol!
Anyway my mom wants me to talk to my cous n tell him what's good. In my groggy state i replied: "where the fucc is his father!" ( I ain't say fuck) lol but yeah why me? Then I realized that maybe it is a good idea since i know what i know (above..conflict between a growing boy and his traditional disciplinary mom). I'll see where his heads at soon enough.
In other news moms talked my pops today smh I hate when she initiates contact with this nigga. Anyway... That's another long ass post too so I owe y'all .... I'm goin to sleep it 3 in the mornin.... I Need some pooms (pussy)...
...ok I owe y'all three posts
PZ
Asian persuasion shit
Yo I dunno what it is about this last week but I've been feeening for some Asian pu.. i mean women. Like yeah I've never been with an Asian girl before and that hasn't bothered me at all but i gotta admit im a bit intruiged. I personally only know... Umm wait, (!) I don't know any Asi.. oh wait that chick I've interned with over at the district council. She was mad cute but she wasn't stacking like shorty over here is.
<----Yummy.
I dunno what it is lately about Asian chicks that rev up my libido engine but.. shit... lemme stop lol. Part of it has to do with what makes them themselves. Their features so to speak Sexy eyes, skin color, they jet black hair. honestly I don't think they could take my dick or my sex but that's stereotyping.
:-X
Wow am I wrong for that? lemme take a right turn right quick.
I guess I want just want what i've never had. I'm not totally ignorant though, you don't see too many.... Asian ladies with black men. Mainly that's cause their families would disown them if they did. Now, of course everyone's situation is different and maybe most Asian parents today ain't like that or they would just simply disapprove. Disapprove def sounds like a safer word, less presumptive.
I feel like saying asian is the wrong term. I mean ain't Russia and India in Asia. How come they aren't Asians i just wanna be polycorrect.
Anyway
So maybe the fact that such a social phenomena exist adds to my infatuation with them ladies, weird but I think about that shit. I wonder if my sexual infatuation with Asian women is permanent. Is it? Or will it pass when I do taste that forbidden fruit. Hmm now that I think about it maybe its been in me for longer than i realize. When it comes to my ex the thing that literally caught my ear was her talkin mandarin with this Chinese(?) dude. This was before we had extensive words between each other. I was servin the customers at the on campus sbarros we were workin at and she was at the register there i was handin some fool a spaghetti and meatballs and all of a sudden a full blown Chinese Convo popped off between this black chick and a Chinese dude. Safe to say I was on notice immidiately lol. (any reason to talk bout the ex huh smh)
Anyway iunno somehow o think the answer as to why I'm feenin for an Asian chick is somewhere up there. I never checked the Asian section at spankwire before now I'm all up on it! Which further fucks up my head.
Usually I don't even think about things like that. I mean who vies to have sex with a member of every ethicity. Me myself I can't deliberately do that. I go with the flow when it comes to those type of things. I don't go round trying to talk to every woman that walks the street. I do know niggas that have... And they always late.
Wow major realization...maybe the fact that my ex was so rooted in Chinese culture has something to do with it. She's so rooted in their culture that shes currently in China studying abroad for a year. Even the way we fucked reminds me of how asian chix act in them pornos see she was a virgin and .....hmmm lemme stop. I'm just saying i got a good relationship with my subconscious its all about being honest with yaself i guess if you like me then you'd find out all types of shit about yourself as you write. As evidenced by my posts during the summer of 2008.
oh yeah i my jasc painshop pro free trial is done so i cant black and white my pics anymore. :-( there goes that Newspaper effect. not really think of this as the sunday edition of ya friendly neighborhood newspaper... PZ
Yo the 70's look like they were mad fun. Im watchin some random movie on encore drama right now and its LACED with a 70's type theme. I dunno the name of the flick but I cut into a very psychedelic ass scene with a alotta white folk dancing in a medium sized room with a live band playing. People swinging their hair, dancing n shit, naked bishes with bright facepaint all over their naked body (bodypaint). It looks like a crazy ass vibe and i kinda wished i lived to experience it.
In my opinion everything worth trying nowadays popped off in the 70's. My old boss from back in the day when i was working In DC 37 in NYC would tell me how it was like living through the 70's. As he would tell me and the other intern these stories there was a consistent smile throughout. It almost seemed like he felt euphoric reliving his past adventures. As i saw this I knew homeboy used to get busy back in the day. He would tell us how everything was so cheap back then as opposed to now. Well we were talkin about herb but i deduced that everything was cheaper back then also lol.
He told us about the wild ass parties he attended. Now at that point I've already had a 1 year bid in University at Albany under my belt so I done my share of partying at that point in my life. Even though that was the case i felt like a 12 year old learning about what u can do when ur 17/18 lol cause what the people who were of age (or slightly under) at that time have is so unique! That whole time period is synonymous with good times and crazy experimentation (in general). He did let us know that it wasn't all fun and games though. I mean he was in the thick of the black power movement so it wasn't all gravy especially for black folk OBVIII lol
I've always felt like i possessed an old soul and maybe thats why I'm interested in the time period. Maybe because everything was so new to people and they dabbled. A whole generation of people who got first dibs all these drugs and sounds and shit in their rawest most purest form. Not only all that but lines were clearly drawn. either you were a devout hippie, an avid feminist, an avid environmentalist, you were fervently protesting for something or you were a witness to some of the best music of all time (James Brown, Jimi Hendrix, Disco {i guess}....etc, etc, etc)
Bottom line amid an economic downturn people came together and they obviously got shit done or just had a great time with people with the same motivations as them lol. Iunno i'd love to go back in time with like 300 bucks for like a week and have the craziest time. Not that i don't appreciate our time...as 80's babies our times are clearly defined also and i definitely appreciate that. I don't know how it was being a teen in the 80s but being a kid in the 90s was the shit also so u take what u got feel me...what am i sayin although the 2000's aint like the 90's, 80's or 70's it is an experience to live through it. As we move forward the more we have to look back to and appreciate.
PZ
School has started but i'm not goin. This is the first Fall in forever that doesn't involve schooling of any kind. Why is this? I graduated bish! Graduation is an accomplishment but its still wierd that im not in school right now. Spring semester came and went and during that time i felt stagnant and unproductive. I like learning shit, i don't appreciate the tests and essays and deadlines but I enjoy learning about stuff that i find interesting; i like conquering classes and cutting corners. School was sorta a hustle; i loved finding ways to get over. Going out partying while I have a test the next day then murking that test like it took my money.... it was fun. Hopefully I do good on these GRE s and i can go get that MPH.
Lately Ive been thinking about movin out my moms crib. I'm 23 and people say im relatively young but i've lived away from my fam for four years now while i was in Albany (no dorms; apt/house flow) and i was as independent as ive ever been. Moms don't put any sanctions on me while ive been here but I am a certain way when I have my own spot and I like THAT Don better. Then again I wasn't living in the real world; everyone around me down there were in the same boat, trying to graduate school, struggling while trying to have a good time. The real world aint no joke and I like being prepared before I make a huge decision and im not there yet. So Ima enjoy the full fridge and nice diggs until im straight to bounce.
Supposedly this movie [The Lovely Bones-IMDB] is about this girl who gets shot in Philadelphia (sounds like a non fictional tale but hold ya skirts) So homegirl gets shot in Suburban Philadelphia; instead of the popular belief that we go to heaven or hell or some really deep ass hole. She floats around the living as a ghost i guess and watches her family. ooooh.. i digress it appears shes watching her fam and her killer from heaven ,my bad, anyway The movie itself has a good premise but its not the type of movie that interests me; either a movie has to have to have some killing/violence; some profound message or some black people. This movie seems to have neither but again great premise!
It kinda plays to my idea of what death is like. Now, i believe in God but if I said "my spirit flies to heaven after i die" you wouldn't sense much conviction in my voice. Its a nice idea to have but being that we have cells n shit and that science explains everything its quite possible that we just get.. (iunno) deleted and I'm not talking about "stored in the Recycle Bin deleted" im talking "Recycle Bin, left click, erase this shit off my computer deleted" Finality, ultimate closure, the end.
Sad but thats what i think and although its scary i'm at peace with it, Ive been at peace with it. Everyone has to go through it and everyone went through puberty right!?? That wasnt that bad...
UMM...I do hope for the best though. Sometimes back in the day when I'm at church or in a funeral or something I often picture (cuz im probably bored). A ghost (of the deceased) watching everyone watching the eulogy/funeral. They watching everyone cry for them and shit and i think to myself it must feel nice to see everyone together crying for you... i think. Part of me wants death to be that way. You die then your spirit walks around the earth invisible to all living things. Hmm now that i think about it almost like that Patrick Swayze movie, but since this is real life you cant touch shit or push people in front of cars...although that would explain all the unfortunate shit that happens to people. But yea, thats what i'd want death to be like, you just stay and watch ya family go on throughout their lives without you...it would probably be painful but at least it ain't cancer or a bullet or a train.
Oh yeah Ghost, casper umm that resse witherspoon movie...i guess the premise aint all that original... Shocking...not
Well...if you dont know or don't care There is a documentary out chronicling the life of Mike Tyson. Ever since i was able to comprehend sports and fighting this nigga has been a person of interest. I wasn't well versed in the boxing world but I was always rooting for Mike. Whether he's knocking some asshole out or marrying golddiggers i would root for the nigga. He looks like a maniac but that was who he was, or so I thought. This movie was an eye opener, ive seen a couple tid bits about the nigga but to hear it from his mouth makes it real. I feel sorry for the dude, he wasn't ready for the places his talent took him. He stepped beyond his station. When his manager died its like he was vulnerable to the wolves, he lost focus, he dabbled in debauchery, he hooked up with Don King (who should be shot). His career, all his money went in a freefall, just like that!! One day you the Undisputed Champ and the next you in jail or you bankrupt. His story is an inspiration but for the wrong reasons, people should see this and not do what Tyson did. I feel like i can relate to him, the way he grew up and all. I was soft spoken, timid, always fighting for some shit, whether it would be for respect or for stupid shit. He just had a way out and reversed it he was a fat ass nerd ass nigga and he was a machine by 18. Maybe it ruined him, cuz like he said that shit has an affect on you. I feel like i relate to niggas like Tyson and Tupac (niggas that aint good for people, for themselves, volatile) its just that i don't have the medium and the freedom to bring it all out, it comes out though, little by little. I dont have the strength to run with it and im cool with that cuz opening that would be like opening a can of dogfood (smells real bad). Ima probably go boxing tommorow, i dont have any gloves but i do have a pair of wraps, i got into it about a year ago, i stopped during the summer though but i feel like taking some aggression out....
hmmm we should go into my aggression
Lyrics to Lady Brown :
(feat. Cise Starr (from CYNE))
[Verse 1:]
Crush a coal to a diamond
Eyes forever shining
Your beauty alone inspire a niggah to rhyming
Thinking of the better things in life
Thinking of how I could persuade you to become my wife
Hand in hand as we floating over tropical sands
You my lady, I'm ya man
So let's futher advance to the next scene
Me sleeping next to you resting
You are the personification of all God's blessings
Coming to me in just one physical being
One physical dream that I wanna redeem
You're Voluptuous
Sweet caramel brown honeydew
Satin skin smooth to the touch, what a niggah do
So sensual
Her smile like a chemical extract of perfection
Rare mineral
She smell like a happy birthday on a Thursday
Quiet time love sleep in I wake early
[Chorus:]
Honey brown wit the long black hair
Teasing me with a kiss and a stare
Slight touch and you taking me there
So fine and it just ain't fair
So beautiful and so damn rare
[Verse 2:]
She's angelic and energetic
Using sex as a weapon
I reckon that I'm confessing
Her body is just a blessing from God Down to earth
She needs to be in a church to prove that
We didn't spawn from fish but God's work
Hurts to see her clothed cause her body beholds
Secrets untold valued like platinum and gold
For she is the key to open my mind to see
The energy that radiates from the gates of heavenly bliss
I reminisce over touch and kiss
While you fucking a bitch I go make love to my miss
Never scandalous
It unanimous that the how i handled it
Lights off and candle lit rooms and glamorous
Yo I call you love sexual you look edible
Parallel snuggle up close intellectual
In a rendezvous who are you in wrap hairdo
No makeup in jean shorts open toe shoe
I wanna hold you mold ya soul I behold you
Know you better than myself never own you
But keep you never leave you
I beseech you
Gods gift to man is you wearing a see through
Riding Seadoos in Atlantic Ocean
Causing commotion
Lay you down going through the motions
Keep ya skin soft lotions got me coasting
Down pretty round brown thighs the candles low lit
[Chorus:]
Honey brown wit the long black hair
Teasing me with a kiss and a stare
Slight touch and you taking me there
So fine and it just ain't fair
So beautiful and so damn rare
[Verse 3:]
Look at this agreeable
Delightful, delectable
Unforgettable
So sweet she may be edible
She needs a pedestal To step out of heaven you ready boo
Never hypothetical you factual and magical
Fuck theatrical
Baby girl because you actual
Physically your chemistry is so mathematical
Had to use academics to define your spirit
You lifting my limits
Your name off my tongue is a lyric
She's a compilation of my minds representation
Of a representative
Representing an excellent revelation of time and dedication
Never impatient
She know the deal
Revealed herself to me
So I can see Her heavenly ways
Her heavenly gaze
And plus it don't hurt that she has an ass for days (OK)
So as we lay I reminisce on the day that we met
Please god never let me forget
This song BUMPS...it makes me think... The woman Cise is describing sounds amazing, I wouldn't be mad at meeting such a chick that makes me wanna describe her in such a way. Imagine meeting a woman that appeals to your very being, a woman that will fire all type of synapses in your head, leaving you drugged by her very existence. Is that even possible??? Is this what love is called??
I'm 23 years old and I've never been in love...
Im not mad or happy about it at all, it is what it is. It just makes me wonder. Love is like the holy spirit to me, I would always hear about it from other people but I would question its existence a little. If love do exist why do so many people claim to be in a state of love but wind up cheating on their S/O, or divorcing their S/O....irreconcilable differences?? I thought love can outlast anything. If love was such a finality how come people can love two different people, sometimes at the same time? It seems that the only thing thats true about love is the negatives (I.E, love can make you do crazy things, blinded by love etc etc) cause ive seen people claim they've been in love and they have done some outlandish shit in the name of love. I have a hard time seeing the good, other than the overt infatuation. JuJu said she can't explain it. Someone else said that she forgave her man for cheating because she loved him that much, but im like wtf it sounds like u just don't want to lose homie.
Is love created by man? because the flaws in such a thing are blatantly obvious, yet there are cards, songs, and valentines day, and crazy expensive marriages, and crazy expensive divorces.... Is someone gettin paid residuals for coming up with such a thing.
Look, if there is a Love i hope it only happens to me once...cuz im not sure how i'd react to such a thing...i never wanted to belong to someone else (selfish) when i was a youngin ; and although i havent totally turned a complete 180 on that stance (more like a 145) the thought of being that emotionally vested in someone is....interesting to say the least. Besides I'd like to say it to only one person if anything...but thats just me...
I should rename this blog drom hard words on Soft Sheets to something else. Writing these things down isnt hard anymore. Sharing em will always be but iunno about that. I gotta learn to be comfortable with myself and share myself with others well everyone. As i typed that last sentance a skeptical look crept over my face. This world is too cutthroat for me to "share myself" openly.
See how i compromise my previous statement with the last one. I genuinely meant what i said at the time but i disagreed with myself with the next sentance. Thats how complex I am, I could say something and disagree later. Its like im fighting myself. These contradictory statements one behind another shouldnt be happening but it is. I dont think its a mental problem at all. Sometimes i know whats good for me and despite my true wishes i go with whats best.
The first statement suggesting i share myself is what's best for me in the long run. I will be more comfortable around people and they will know who I am without having to pry n shit. The second statement is what i really want to do because life is a bitch and in order for me to survive well imna have to keep doin what im doin. I stay fighting/analyzing/restraining myself; like i dont have to live in this world too. little by little im breaking the links though, the process just needs to happen faster, I'm 22 years young!
Is it in my own nature
to bind myself
to become my own hater
to hide myself
To be a ghost in flesh
in conflict without making sounds
Why the fuck do I keep putting me Down
deaf to my wants and my needs
planting seeds
of doubt, jealousy, my heart bleeds
like the rest of em
there he go life Lsat testing him
keeps failing cus his lefts fightin his right
blinding him yung homie not seeing the light
he moves forward carrying weight of many men
learnin to control his conflictin brain stem
soon they learn to become good to the nigga
situations to the hatian his perspecives gettin bigger
im gettin good at this, i wish i had a spliff right now
For as long as i can remember I've always been a private person. I don't know when i started to become such a person but i have no qualms about labeling myself as one. It is what it is. Maybe i like the freedom of being a present day nigga (dude without a past). By nature I like keeping to myself i dont like sharing shit about me.
Heres my mental about the whole thing::
Everything is a implied secret until brought into question by whoever asks a question, then I look at the relationship i have with whoever and depending on that and my intentions with whoever i will tell them whatever it is i was previously keeping.
If its about me its automatically kept under wraps; lol ( i was born for the FBI); i dont even mix and match people. friends from home and college friends never meet..everyone is sectioned off naturally. its really wierd writing this:
- Becasue it sounds OD wierd
- Because im writing this shit actually down, tellin why i keep secrets
Anyway its in my nature to keep to myself i cant help it. Sometimes it gets in the way though especially with tellin the ladies about who they are dealing with. I generally open up to em because the goal is to get them comfortable around me so i can do whatever (Fuck em or Wife em). speaking of ladies I tend to open up to girls; no man alive knows what three or four girls know when it comes to me. A.J,T.G,T.V,N.B shouts to em cuz without them no one would have a clue bout me.
Ladies generally care more i feel that they pry more also leading me to tell em more shit. No nigga knows about me because ive been burned in the past by telling dudes about me and they've used it against me, specially during grade school. Besides other niggas have more potential to be enemies than any female so i just let them get the surface me. Thats why i generally have no best friend whos a male cuz deep down inside i dont trust them with the inner workings of myself. I don't see it changing any time soon and that may be a problem in anyone elses eyes; i'll admit that but to me its just my way of surviving. Maybe i should just stop worrying about what other muthafuckas think and just do me. Yes, but i do me anyway i just dont have to explain it to anyone unless i want to ( i have the solutions and the rebuttals; my brain at war). Thats probably how its gonna be for the rest of my life and im good.
iunno what it is about today but ima be really negative for a minute so bear with me..
*pause*
all my life ive coasted
i went through life gliding not makin noise
i stay in the gray area and no one notices. Trust it has its advantages because you never have to deal with drama, beefs and bullshit. Me? i envy one with these problems. those are good problems to me. i haven't dodged these things they just never seem to happen to me. In reality I HAVE NO ENEMIES. I'm not saying that no one fucks with me because i am who i am (quiet nigga with sometimes bad intentions). No one fucks with me because they have no reason to. Im thankful i never had to hide behind any walls when walkin down the street but i want to affect people. I dont want to inspire i dont want to influence i want to be recognized. Sometimes i feel that i'd rather be hated than live like a ghost. im not talking "hated on" since that shit is also going around (previous post "Swag"). Haters will never be a problem i have an out of sight out of mind thing. I want to be hated...and loved. i just want to make people feel something for me. I never thought i'd type this shit but here it is. I think thats why ive had an attitude this year although its brought me in contact with people who would never know me other wize. Although i have a "gray" personality ive always needed extremes around me. Dark and Light, Hate and Love..its certain and raw; my personality comes out around loud ass muthafuckas. its like they bump me out of the gray area when they around and i get buck. There aint much people like that i need to learn to do that shit myself.
Being in the gray area has its advantages but its most dire disadvantage is that the perception of you is also gray - Me ( i promise)
I want to be felt. i guess thats why im trying to wife any girl that comes my way; except the obvious hoes who i rarely go after because
- I'm OD afraid of any deabilitating thing happening to my dick (castration, AIDS, HIV)
- they usually dont do much for me but get my dick hard, i need more soul than that...always have
Emotional worth, aint no low cost when it comes to this. if we talkin ends of the love hate spectum, if you on the low end of the spectrum you might as well be on the same position on the other side...the amount of emotional worth you get is the same but it may be a different emotion. the worse off you can be is in the middle. other than my family, rite now i feel like in most peoples eyes im in the gray.
its whatever, it is what it is though
IM trying to be as positive as possible in lieu of the new me....well lemme start off by tellin u about the old me or the subliminal me because the "old" me is probably still in the new me. i wasnt always the man you see before you; i came into this world with limited material I didn't even have one third of a father; But thats no excuse there are plenty fatherless childs out there and they are ok. Not to say im not ok but there are certain aspects of my life thats fucked up, to be honest with myself.
Confidence wasnt always my flow i came from a shy ass chubby quiet kid with little words and no substance, i looked smart but i was a slacker (the reason i looked the way i did is cuz i was dolled up by my pops, Thick framed glasses, stupid rags and a fucked up constitution) but i always had that subliminal jene sais qoi..it made me be not totally a loner...i was lookin like a chubbed up urkel yet chillin with the popular kids lol, ive held my own in fights one loss danny xiao but thanx to Tacha.V a nigga felt like he won, lol. ive had dates to dances, i was in detention..it was what it was (nostalgia).
The point is i was below my standards almost all my life..but i always kneww that someday i would be "perfect"...this perfect is in the eyes of the beholder (me). ive been humbled constantly growin up which makes my personality top notch, now i just need the body (in my opinion)...lol one of the things ive learned in psychology this year is the mental fuck up that is body dismorphic disorder its when someone is stressin over an imagined or a minor body defect only my defect wasnt imagined, i was a biggun lol. i probably dont have the disorder but it did stress me all my life, ALL MY LIFE yoe. its affected my competence and my social functioning to this day.
However this aint no crying session i just need yall and me to understand where my mind state was at..
as i grew it became a bigger problem, only i didnt let it show AT ALL, although im missing certain aspects of a normal nigga...pride has never been absent in my life. ive never been the type to let anyone see me in a weak state. NEEEVER!!!! i just sucked it up (no homo) and bottled up my problems until im strong enough to deal with them, and deal with them is exactly what i did..
Triple fast forward to college
real college lol SUNY ALBANY
im livin downtown where im surrounded by white folks for the first time ever (in a somewhat closed situation *the college ghetto*, cuz we all surrounded by white people lol) the differences has never been so evident. Here i am a fat black dude livin in pine hills, albany lol me being negative i feel im not gettin no play so i eventually suck it up and joined the gym... i was a fuckin machine..Five days a week, i would take the weekends off to drink and nurse my hangovers. i would do this every week until i felt something, anything different. whether it was a "lookin good don" or a favorable weight decrease dictated by the scale at 218 quail street lol. Eventually i lost 20 pounds! i found this out during a party lol i was drinkin and i needed to break the seal and there was the scale..I stepped on it and i was 20 pounds lighter! thats when i knew that it could be done; that a kid fat out the womb can actually decrease in size with enough grit and determination. i kept going but not enough to get the job done...but all that told me that my goal can be achieved and it granted me a light at the end of the tunnel and at that point in life it was enough, there was partying to be done, alchohol to drown myself in, bitches to fuck...
fast forward to now this instant 11:24 PM July 15th, 2008 Philadelphia, Pennsylvania..i am probably 55 pounds lighter than when i started within 15 pounds of reaching my first goal and of course shits changed lol.On the surface i got confidence ive never would have had if it wasnt for the work put in.Granted i coulda lost every fat calorie in my body in 7 months like my brother did but shit im not much for sacrifices lol, but like the clipse said "times a wasting, niggaz doin so much hating, Free ya heart and show your greatness". And thats what's im trying to do as soon as possible who knows who i can be without this burden. Maybe i can actually get into a relationship without pushing people away or i can actually believe what one wants to be with me. Maybe i can be have total confidence in my competence, the belief that im ok in this world. Im tryin to free my heart. Niggaz is in chains, ive been caged by God and by myself. Ive had a certain idea of who and what i should look like and when i didnt look like that schema i wouldnt take any shots in the game of life. example: ohh that girl is fine but aww shit im fat what would it look like if shes seen with me like that. lol plain self doubt/hate/ watever u wanna call it. i was chained but currently these chains are loosening. yeap, who knows how many chains my soul is shackled to; God dont play. (im not blaming God im saying he made me the 8 pound baby im just trying to undo his majestic work a little). i can feel it, im so close when i walk into rooms its soo diffferent then before. When i walk into a room i can feel eyes looking at me, that doesnt change but my reaction to those eyes is different. These muthafuckas lend me their eyes and sometimes I feel like im God's Favorite; like there is a spotlight on me that only I can see. They say that God's Favorite has a Hard Time and i did but i just needed to work hard to come out on top. The dude wanna see me rise, i wouldnt enjoy the outcome of loosing weight if it was just given to me, there wouldn't even be a problem. Maybe he wanted to see what would arise out of a person like me. Maybe he wanted to see what a prideful man trapped in his own skin would do to set his soul free and what would become of him when he does free his soul. Who am i to let my spiritual father down lol shiiieeeet like he believed i would stay the way i was.
Any way the point of this post is to let yall know and for me to finally put into words my life struggle. And now when my dream is finally comming true i feel comfortable in letting the world know lol, whenever i release this to whoever. Now lemme go talk to my baby
