Esteem must be founded on preference: to hold everyone in high esteem is to esteem nothing. -Moliere
I'm not the perfect dude, i know this and part of my mortality is my flaws. We all have em and i know mine all too well. Im not trying to list em here (some things are better hidden in the cerebellum). One flaw that ive realize i have is my ungratefulness when things dont go my way i notice it and i subconsciously magnify it to the point where its "engrossingly" bigger then it really is and when that happens i start not appreciating what i do have.
Yesterday was a bad day and i basically downplayed all the things i have goin for me such as family, being alive and having my health...I focused on the isht i didn't have such as friends a car, a social life etc.
I've been thinking tho, Basically ,my life ain't complicated and it can get complicated in an instant and next thing you know I'm locked up or i got a seed or I'm dead! lol! Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg in the middle of a club...all that probably took a millisecond and he facing 3-15 currently. Its easier to complicate life than to uncomplicate it and I should be greatful for what i have cuz my situation could always get worse.
And ive also been thinking maybe its time to change my ways again. Ive done it time and time again and better everytime.... Im thinkin its that time again...maybe in the commin posts i'll go into depth...as of now take the red text and apply it to your life.
Well...if you dont know or don't care There is a documentary out chronicling the life of Mike Tyson. Ever since i was able to comprehend sports and fighting this nigga has been a person of interest. I wasn't well versed in the boxing world but I was always rooting for Mike. Whether he's knocking some asshole out or marrying golddiggers i would root for the nigga. He looks like a maniac but that was who he was, or so I thought. This movie was an eye opener, ive seen a couple tid bits about the nigga but to hear it from his mouth makes it real. I feel sorry for the dude, he wasn't ready for the places his talent took him. He stepped beyond his station. When his manager died its like he was vulnerable to the wolves, he lost focus, he dabbled in debauchery, he hooked up with Don King (who should be shot). His career, all his money went in a freefall, just like that!! One day you the Undisputed Champ and the next you in jail or you bankrupt. His story is an inspiration but for the wrong reasons, people should see this and not do what Tyson did. I feel like i can relate to him, the way he grew up and all. I was soft spoken, timid, always fighting for some shit, whether it would be for respect or for stupid shit. He just had a way out and reversed it he was a fat ass nerd ass nigga and he was a machine by 18. Maybe it ruined him, cuz like he said that shit has an affect on you. I feel like i relate to niggas like Tyson and Tupac (niggas that aint good for people, for themselves, volatile) its just that i don't have the medium and the freedom to bring it all out, it comes out though, little by little. I dont have the strength to run with it and im cool with that cuz opening that would be like opening a can of dogfood (smells real bad). Ima probably go boxing tommorow, i dont have any gloves but i do have a pair of wraps, i got into it about a year ago, i stopped during the summer though but i feel like taking some aggression out....
hmmm we should go into my aggression
Lyrics to Lady Brown :
(feat. Cise Starr (from CYNE))
[Verse 1:]
Crush a coal to a diamond
Eyes forever shining
Your beauty alone inspire a niggah to rhyming
Thinking of the better things in life
Thinking of how I could persuade you to become my wife
Hand in hand as we floating over tropical sands
You my lady, I'm ya man
So let's futher advance to the next scene
Me sleeping next to you resting
You are the personification of all God's blessings
Coming to me in just one physical being
One physical dream that I wanna redeem
You're Voluptuous
Sweet caramel brown honeydew
Satin skin smooth to the touch, what a niggah do
So sensual
Her smile like a chemical extract of perfection
Rare mineral
She smell like a happy birthday on a Thursday
Quiet time love sleep in I wake early
[Chorus:]
Honey brown wit the long black hair
Teasing me with a kiss and a stare
Slight touch and you taking me there
So fine and it just ain't fair
So beautiful and so damn rare
[Verse 2:]
She's angelic and energetic
Using sex as a weapon
I reckon that I'm confessing
Her body is just a blessing from God Down to earth
She needs to be in a church to prove that
We didn't spawn from fish but God's work
Hurts to see her clothed cause her body beholds
Secrets untold valued like platinum and gold
For she is the key to open my mind to see
The energy that radiates from the gates of heavenly bliss
I reminisce over touch and kiss
While you fucking a bitch I go make love to my miss
Never scandalous
It unanimous that the how i handled it
Lights off and candle lit rooms and glamorous
Yo I call you love sexual you look edible
Parallel snuggle up close intellectual
In a rendezvous who are you in wrap hairdo
No makeup in jean shorts open toe shoe
I wanna hold you mold ya soul I behold you
Know you better than myself never own you
But keep you never leave you
I beseech you
Gods gift to man is you wearing a see through
Riding Seadoos in Atlantic Ocean
Causing commotion
Lay you down going through the motions
Keep ya skin soft lotions got me coasting
Down pretty round brown thighs the candles low lit
[Chorus:]
Honey brown wit the long black hair
Teasing me with a kiss and a stare
Slight touch and you taking me there
So fine and it just ain't fair
So beautiful and so damn rare
[Verse 3:]
Look at this agreeable
Delightful, delectable
Unforgettable
So sweet she may be edible
She needs a pedestal To step out of heaven you ready boo
Never hypothetical you factual and magical
Fuck theatrical
Baby girl because you actual
Physically your chemistry is so mathematical
Had to use academics to define your spirit
You lifting my limits
Your name off my tongue is a lyric
She's a compilation of my minds representation
Of a representative
Representing an excellent revelation of time and dedication
Never impatient
She know the deal
Revealed herself to me
So I can see Her heavenly ways
Her heavenly gaze
And plus it don't hurt that she has an ass for days (OK)
So as we lay I reminisce on the day that we met
Please god never let me forget
This song BUMPS...it makes me think... The woman Cise is describing sounds amazing, I wouldn't be mad at meeting such a chick that makes me wanna describe her in such a way. Imagine meeting a woman that appeals to your very being, a woman that will fire all type of synapses in your head, leaving you drugged by her very existence. Is that even possible??? Is this what love is called??
I'm 23 years old and I've never been in love...
Im not mad or happy about it at all, it is what it is. It just makes me wonder. Love is like the holy spirit to me, I would always hear about it from other people but I would question its existence a little. If love do exist why do so many people claim to be in a state of love but wind up cheating on their S/O, or divorcing their S/O....irreconcilable differences?? I thought love can outlast anything. If love was such a finality how come people can love two different people, sometimes at the same time? It seems that the only thing thats true about love is the negatives (I.E, love can make you do crazy things, blinded by love etc etc) cause ive seen people claim they've been in love and they have done some outlandish shit in the name of love. I have a hard time seeing the good, other than the overt infatuation. JuJu said she can't explain it. Someone else said that she forgave her man for cheating because she loved him that much, but im like wtf it sounds like u just don't want to lose homie.
Is love created by man? because the flaws in such a thing are blatantly obvious, yet there are cards, songs, and valentines day, and crazy expensive marriages, and crazy expensive divorces.... Is someone gettin paid residuals for coming up with such a thing.
Look, if there is a Love i hope it only happens to me once...cuz im not sure how i'd react to such a thing...i never wanted to belong to someone else (selfish) when i was a youngin ; and although i havent totally turned a complete 180 on that stance (more like a 145) the thought of being that emotionally vested in someone is....interesting to say the least. Besides I'd like to say it to only one person if anything...but thats just me...
About the blog SURREALITY, I think i figured out what was buggin me. Although it is a bit awkward to say fuck it. Basically the way i have had sex then and before my ex and the way i had sex with my ex are different. So there is two types, the less connected bang bang dick (B4-X) action to a more...umm..connected way of havin sex when I'm as in tune to the chick as i am myself (during-X). I'm not finna go in depth on my "style of sexing" but i has havin sex so much in the latter form (during-X) that it went over to the chick mentioned in my last blog and that gave me the heepie jeepies cuz.... well.... she wasn't my ex and she shouldn't have gotten "dicked" like that, she definitely enjoyed it tho cuz my sheets were a mess...Yeah sex is sex but (IMO[In my Opinion]) you don't fuck a jumpoff like you fuck ya girl, Ive never heard it before i guess it was a schema [inscribed belief] of mine that I didn't know about, until now...
damn ima be sore tommorow...
Yeah its like 2:55 PM
Homegirl just left and with her my libido went.
Something was just off about this, maybe its the fact that i had sex in a weird time of the day. Maybe it was the fact that she just came thru for some dick. Or maybe it was because it was the fact that the body wasn't all that as i thought. Whatever it is its nibbling at me, not biting not gnawing but nibbling.
This is probably the isht that happens when you go below your standards, homegirl looked OK but ehh when her clothes came off!!! ....
...5:22 PM
Mom is sooo funny. I told her homegirl is comin through and i thought she would flip the fact that she did the opposite shocked the shit out of me. I told herabout the chick yesterday and she advised me to get condoms!! lol heres how it went
:me: yeah i got this girl comming through tommorow
:MOM: ohhh is she nice? does she like you?
:me: iunno mah, yeah? i guess??
:MOM: ohh ok u not taking her to your room are you?
:me: (looks away, to adjust the side mirror on the drivers side of the car) ummmm...
:MOM: Oh Oh! (hatian thing to say when one is shocked or suprised) *laughs* do, do you have protection?
:me: shocked as hell,, ummm nooo i was plannin on gettin em later, i might as well go now
:Mom: Gooo!!! do it
It bewildered me because i thought she would be the conservative, protectful mom I know her to be. LOL she even told me she's gonna remain scarce throughout the whole thing. I told her good because I dont want homegirl to get the wrong idea, meeting my mom and all....she def aint there and i doubt she would ever get there.
So Chick comes through and i go through the motions, heres how it goes.
We chill in my room
I put on a random movie that ive seen already
I lay back on the far side of the bed and lay down
ask her to come by me "i don't bite" yadda yadda yadda
*
Im def not puttin the whole thing down lol but its been gettin me results since sophmore year. I guess im tired of the whole "schpiel". talkin with moms after defenitely brought some feelings to light though, the shit that was buggin me at 2:55 PM isnt really bothering me anymore. Moms comes into my room feening for some details and it was hilarious. Now at one point in my life i would have been gaurded to tell moms how i get down in the bedroom and shit, i'm not even totally comfy with fuckin(verb) people in the house.
So i let her in and she asked me how was it lol i was like "!!"
She asked me if she came here just for that and i laughed and was like yeah and she laughed. She asked me if i was gonna have her come back and i admittedly said no and she laughed and said that shes gonna hate me. She laughed again when i said she can't hate me after what i did. I also hinted to her about my routine and she swears im some type of player lol.
She even declared to me that the reason i'm feelin the way im feeling is because it was too easy and guys don't like that. I was like no isht, normally id be like " she just likes me thats all; she aint no ho" and while that definitely could be the truth in most cases but in this case I def didnt feel that way.
There was some sort of jovial feel to the conversation, it wasnt weird at all. She asked me if she was as pretty as my Ex and I said admittedly no... to my dismay. She sensed some weirdness in me and we came to the realization that i probably went below my standards. Yeah ive seen niggas guilty of doing such a thing but ive never went so low that i felt some type of way after gettin the nutt (well maybe one other time).
Point of the post is that I vow to raise my standards a bit...this is gettin too easy and too....pointless. I'm probably just used to a certain body type. I was into the thicker broads before my Ex chick but she was thin and maybe i got so used to her type that going back felt wrong lol who knows...
Today was surreal....
....but its whatever my 3 month dry spell is over, shit, defenitely over, i need to change my sheets.
My thirst for knowledge is not being fulfilled. I take school for granted to a degree but I was learning. Professors were dictating, I was studying I was getting knowledge, getting smarter.
Now that I'm not in school ( i graduated) I'm no longer doing any of those things.
I'm not studying Psychology and Sociology theories and applying them to real life. I'm not learning new things from random general education classes. I'm just chilling, watching TV, looking for a job, playing video games, looking for girls to fill a void. etcetera. I'm not learning anything and i feel that I'm suffering for it.
Sometimes when i think or read I skip around. I'm not finishing thoughts and sometimes i have pauses in speech where I'm thinking of what to say mid sentence and that fucks up my whole speech. I am studying for the GRE's and that is something but its basically studying how to get through the test. I'm learning GRE words and that's cool but I'm a humanities guy; i like learning about human phenomenons social or psychological. Thats probably why Ive been reading so much blogs lately. I'm interested in whats in other peoples heads. How they live, their opinions, their values or reasoning, all of that. I'm trying to learn, to apply new things into my life, i feel that i could read a book right now.
I feel like the blogs are not enough though i need to keep stimulated in an intellectual way. Ive been in school non stop every year from kindergarten to December 7th 2008. I just gotta get used to not being in school, at least for a while because grad school is a must. Until then I'm gonna bookmark the newyorktimes.com and I'm gonna keep reading blogs and maybe eventually self help books [who doesn't need self help].
I need knowledge to flow in between my ears constantly in order to feel right....something else im learning about myself...
