COGNI.VOL...

MY TRiBal Eye...


This is a picture of my first tattoo...
when people would ask me whats it of i would tell them to guess lol. its usually my way of gauging my creativity. makes them look harder at it and they see...an eye

i plan on getting it colored in but not before i get my next tattoo

anyway another question people would ask is: "why did u get that?" or "what does it represent?" they would ask these inquiring questions and depending on who you are to me i would either tell you what it represents or not. i wouldnt tell a person either cuz i dont trust them to grasp their minds around it or i dont think its worth telling. so i only tell the folks im close to, my mother didnt even know for about a year and she would understand the most cuz she was close to my situation which led me to get this tattoo. if you do see this then i either consider you close or you are someone i dont know (doesnt matter)

this tattoo is a commemoration of me going through depression.
now for you who dont understand either cuz u dont think black folks cant get depression or you just ignit to the idea of mental defects. depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain which affects more than your temperment. the things you would usually like you dont feel like doing, your sleep patterns are messed up. and you become numb to every emotion except sadness, u get that emotion 100 fold. in the day you become almost catatonic somewhat like a ghost of your former self because you arent totally numb, you think of every stressfull, negative thing in your life over and over and instead of moving forward you can do nothing but dwell. so the people surrounding you see you as almost lifeless; and that was the case with me, cumulatively i was under for about 2 and a half weeks not counting when i started therapy. although i knew what was wrong with me i didnt have the heart to do anything about it, how could I i was the one suffering, in order for superman to win his battle with kryptonite a third party had to come through and take the kryptonite away am i rite?? for me that third party was my mother. my mother comes home (at that time) around 5pm and everytime i was on the couch (the area in every house that no one could sit in lol) and id lie down staring at the t.v. she told me that sometimes it didnt look like i was watching. a couple days after she told me that she was gonna take me to talk to someone. normally id be like fuck no but i knew something inside me wasnt rite. we've all lived our lives in a predominatley OK, Copastetic state. if we are happy/sad it takes us out this state but its nothin to be alarmed about because we've been through all the shock value that leaving "OK" brings when we were little. i think thats why we alway cry as kids cuz the initial shock of being away from our "OK" state is too much to take. so back to the original story; i was soo far paast OK that it was notable even to myself. so i go to therapy and we talk, i talk about all my problems n shit which include a slew of family sicknesses, prom graduation (below avg grades with a wish to go away for college), my future and all. it helped a little until we go into some deep rooted shit, i could go into this but i'll just give you the short version...it was concluded that i had a problem in which i put other peoples problems ahead of my own. i constantly "held the cross" for everyone. whether it be withholding words so that someone had their way, sparing feelings too much, doing myself what others should do for themselves and it brought me down. i've went on a crusade so long making myself a tool for everyones happiness that i forgot about my own happiness... its like i felt i was a spectator in this world when i wasnt. I had problems and wants and they'd be in the backburner for...whoever. it had its affect and the conclusion was depression..at the end of that session she gave me the simplest quote that ive ever took to heart....
- "Do What Makes You Happy"


aint that a bitch five words any five year old can come up with and it became the key to regulating me...lol

as soon as she said those words a smile crept into my face, its like she said something that ive known all along but i couldnt find the words to say it.. I took them five mothafuckin words and i lived by it but it wasnt enough. the bitch therapist started to delve deeper into me like i was the joker or sum shit (The Dark Knight this Friday!! Holla!!) we started talking about my relationship with whoever. then we went on to my father lol. she kept assuming that my situation is part of the reason that i was the way i was. she kept asking about dude. i and i kept telling her that it wasnt an issue..thats when i decided i wasnt going back to therapy.

i wasnt as bad as i was when i first started out but i wasnt back to normal either thats when i came across heavy metal. the aggression in that music helped me. instead of being sad about shit i started to become angry. i remember workin out in a pace of a mad man, mean muggin all the way. although i was angry at shit i didnt intend to take it out on anyone, as long as i wasnt sad anymore i was good. i'd just take it out on the bike or the weights. one day i was OD goin in and my brother called me and my dumb ass snapped at him OD. he took it bad cuz i was an idiot thats when i knew that anger wasnt the answer and i just calmed down....back to OK mode..



So that Tattoo above is an eye with a tear coming out of it. the red outlining the pupil represents the anger i used to beat the depression...and there you have it


P.S. how did i "calm down"??? a lot of comedies lol jackass, Viva la bam....dumb shit.. hey it worked rite, u seen me lately?!?!


Later...