Gawt damn i feel like i have an invisible chastity belt around my dick or some shit. Its been a loong fuckin time and im fuckin dyin over here. and going by what this girl said im not gonna get any til next fuckin thursday. Life SUXXXX. so im gonna keep snapping at my fam mean muggin around the house for a weeek. i cant get fuckin out of my mind im goin crazy b. If i dont ....maybe i should just jerk off or sum shit, but i get so tired of it. especially since the pooms is so close with 2 chicks. okokokok lemme calm down nurture before nature. obviously im gonna last but im dreading the wait. im gonna hit a few punchin bags or sum shit..later
(even my punctuation suffers) :-(
She beautiful like the moon on a brite nite
she be on my mind when i turn out the lite lites
lol SERiOUSly now
okokok (serious face)
Beauty is she
Beauty is she when i glare at her face
Beauty is she
nope
When i see her face i swallow air
she makes me nervous,
like a secret bout to come to surface
the smell of her hair
she scared me
she scared me cuz she saw right through me
even through the mask, the cave ive hidden in for years
she sees me
started from dancin to talkin to sleepin to feelin and kissin
questions and suggestions
the statements she would make pierced my soul,
no the words werent sharp, the words were unfamiliar
even without showing, her words were knowing
how was this possible?
verbs reverberating through my body from top to bottom
adjectives adding onto me like knives to raw hide
thats how she had me
unexpectedly affected me for i wasnt searching for this kind of truth
yet she gave it to me effortlessly accompanied by
her affection, her warmth, her booty
every sleepover was a journey
i grabbed her plums
and played with her vines
babygirl had me lost
When the yung grow old
you increase in weight
when the young grow old
theres no escape
when the young grow old
responsibilities grow
when the young grow old
so do the people you know
when the young grow old
the world opens up
when the young grow old
you start starin at chicks butts
when the young grow old
your dick does also from time to time
when the young grow old
so do your lines
....fuck this...im not feeling it, ima leave it though just in case
I should rename this blog drom hard words on Soft Sheets to something else. Writing these things down isnt hard anymore. Sharing em will always be but iunno about that. I gotta learn to be comfortable with myself and share myself with others well everyone. As i typed that last sentance a skeptical look crept over my face. This world is too cutthroat for me to "share myself" openly.
See how i compromise my previous statement with the last one. I genuinely meant what i said at the time but i disagreed with myself with the next sentance. Thats how complex I am, I could say something and disagree later. Its like im fighting myself. These contradictory statements one behind another shouldnt be happening but it is. I dont think its a mental problem at all. Sometimes i know whats good for me and despite my true wishes i go with whats best.
The first statement suggesting i share myself is what's best for me in the long run. I will be more comfortable around people and they will know who I am without having to pry n shit. The second statement is what i really want to do because life is a bitch and in order for me to survive well imna have to keep doin what im doin. I stay fighting/analyzing/restraining myself; like i dont have to live in this world too. little by little im breaking the links though, the process just needs to happen faster, I'm 22 years young!
Is it in my own nature
to bind myself
to become my own hater
to hide myself
To be a ghost in flesh
in conflict without making sounds
Why the fuck do I keep putting me Down
deaf to my wants and my needs
planting seeds
of doubt, jealousy, my heart bleeds
like the rest of em
there he go life Lsat testing him
keeps failing cus his lefts fightin his right
blinding him yung homie not seeing the light
he moves forward carrying weight of many men
learnin to control his conflictin brain stem
soon they learn to become good to the nigga
situations to the hatian his perspecives gettin bigger
im gettin good at this, i wish i had a spliff right now
Gawtdamn...
my mothafuckin thumb is fucked up from playin ball
came in last place today blew a lead and lost to my LIL cousin and LIL brother..i got a W from my brother later though.
All this fuckin time ive been running on these treadmills n shit and i still get winded playing basketball. Granted i go to the gym to loose weight and get defenition but i want stamina too. WTF..oh well nothing a few consecutive days of playin competetive ball wont fix. Typing is a bitch cuz i cant youze mah thumb (pardon the ignit spelling)!!
I dont feel like goin inside myself today; sorry diary for not spilling on current events but there is nothing going on these days; summer in a new town (i dunno how long i can use that excuse). Im goin back to albany in under a month and I have mixed feelings about it. Its my senior semester, im gonna have a job, Im gonna drink again it may be fun, but ima be away from my room ima be away from philly. Me and philly's relationship will be strained since ima be in albany. When i come back its gonna be like starting over but i cant wait for that to happen.
Philly has the potential to be more my style, the people here are type chill, girls got some bodies up in here lol. They also have that southern/country accent i met this one chick that talks exactly like Lauren London in ATL! GuudGawd my libido shot up so fast it was like i injected ecstasy. some of the chicks i met aint bout nothin though, i went on a dat with a 22 year old chick that aint in school and ive talked to a chick w/o a cell phone (no she didnt play me we started really talkin after she asked to use mine). I remember goin to the boyz 2 men concert with "Lauren London" and the mayor came out to say some stupid speech. Before the man stopped to speak everyone started booing the shit out of him lol these people aint afraid to show anybody whats good.Philly's cool but then again it is the Murder Capital for a reason no way im tryin to end up missing. LoL basically from what ive heard i cant go into North, West and South Philly...nice, hopefully the Northeasts future is good lol gawtdamn. There are ok hoods in each but iunno bout them its watever. I just gotta keep my eyes open, and get a whip cuz public transportation over here aint bout shit. Two of my longest bus rides inside a city's limits have been with septa (their MTA).
Ohh yeah i met the prettiest chick in the world today only problem is that she is a black goth, obviously she says she digs white and asian dudes, go fuckin figure. Ima see what i can do but most likely its gonna be an L for me. Whats with these ugly ass bitches gettin at me on myspace for? I look at my New Friend Requests and im hopin for a winner and I'm like "fuck"!!!
i dunno what else to say.. later
"To tell you the Truth I don't tell Lies"
There are a couple of reasons why i usually tell the truth to whoever:
- Either i dont give a fuck about you and i dont care about your feelings
- or I do care about you and i dont want you to find out ive been lying to you
- or my rep is on the line and lying would fuck it up
- or if i believe the truth is better off being told
the truth can be scary which may lead us to holding off on asking the question
Me, i love the truth. I give it and i expect it in return...
umm one thing about me is i ask for alot of opinion from the people i trust, almost to a fault.
usually every time i ask for an opinion i also tell them to tell me the truth. Fuck my feelings because if I'm asking for ones opinion I'm trying to get something done or I'm trying to get something right.I ask for it alot because I'm not the most sociable or the most (how u say) .....well lets just say that some things i need guidance for and if I'm doing something wrong i'd like to know. How can that happen on a lie. Id sacrifice my feelings for the truth anyday; im mentally tough and i dont get my feelings hurt easily.
Speakin of feelings i almost forgot what its like to have em hurt. Recently during the semester i was visiting this chick i was seeing one night after work (late nite), she's known as a sleepyhead so i shoulda guessed it. Here's what happened i go to her dorm at like 1-2 in the morning and i cant get in (u need to live on that dorm to have access) i ring her up like 50 times and she didnt answer. Here i am waiting for at least 30 minutes trying to reach this chick and nothin. I couldnt go home because i took the last bus over. After those 20 minutes I go to the opposite side of the dorm and i get in cuz of some late nite stepping practice by a sorority; they saw me and let me in.
I go knock on her door and no one answers, thank God the door was open or else id be dun.
I go ahead and try wake her but she barely did so i just slept on her beanbag jawn. she woke me up and asked me to sleep next to her and i told her i was tite cuz she didnt wait up for me. as im explaining this old but familiar feeling came over me its like a pulse that goes throughout your body. shit dont feel good; the only reason i knew what this feeling was was because I felt it before. I just had my feelings hurt, as this is happening i was like what the fuck; like this emotion was some repressed memory that came out of nowhere. My cold ass forgot what getting my feelings hurt feels like. Shits crazy; its not like i think about it. I just forgot what its like. Diary you shoulda seen my face when i realized what this emotion was. I didnt cry or nothing (lol never that), just that "Feeling". feel me?
Truth is i have a hard time givin people all of me but when i did sometimes u get your feelings hurt. Thats how i knew i was digging this girl because if it was some regular jawn i woulda been like fuck you ima sleep; feel on you a little then u neva gonna see me again. It wasnt like that tho lol. Im a dude not only that im a repressed, isolated muthafucka... i dont get my feelings hurt often at least not like i used to. That's because i dont get close enough to people so that they could do me like that. Sometimes feelings got to get hurt in order for you to know that someone matters to you. Its happened again recently this girl I'm talkin to said she still gaurded about me. I understand but i thought me and her were beyond that shit. We done talked about so much. I told her about everything all these things about me and she could still feel this way.... lol shit made me move though, i got the same feeling I described earlier so...if the fact that i told her everything i previously deemed "would never tell" tells me nothin the fact my feelings were hurt defenitely did...
Later
two posts back to back...hmm
For as long as i can remember I've always been a private person. I don't know when i started to become such a person but i have no qualms about labeling myself as one. It is what it is. Maybe i like the freedom of being a present day nigga (dude without a past). By nature I like keeping to myself i dont like sharing shit about me.
Heres my mental about the whole thing::
Everything is a implied secret until brought into question by whoever asks a question, then I look at the relationship i have with whoever and depending on that and my intentions with whoever i will tell them whatever it is i was previously keeping.
If its about me its automatically kept under wraps; lol ( i was born for the FBI); i dont even mix and match people. friends from home and college friends never meet..everyone is sectioned off naturally. its really wierd writing this:
- Becasue it sounds OD wierd
- Because im writing this shit actually down, tellin why i keep secrets
Anyway its in my nature to keep to myself i cant help it. Sometimes it gets in the way though especially with tellin the ladies about who they are dealing with. I generally open up to em because the goal is to get them comfortable around me so i can do whatever (Fuck em or Wife em). speaking of ladies I tend to open up to girls; no man alive knows what three or four girls know when it comes to me. A.J,T.G,T.V,N.B shouts to em cuz without them no one would have a clue bout me.
Ladies generally care more i feel that they pry more also leading me to tell em more shit. No nigga knows about me because ive been burned in the past by telling dudes about me and they've used it against me, specially during grade school. Besides other niggas have more potential to be enemies than any female so i just let them get the surface me. Thats why i generally have no best friend whos a male cuz deep down inside i dont trust them with the inner workings of myself. I don't see it changing any time soon and that may be a problem in anyone elses eyes; i'll admit that but to me its just my way of surviving. Maybe i should just stop worrying about what other muthafuckas think and just do me. Yes, but i do me anyway i just dont have to explain it to anyone unless i want to ( i have the solutions and the rebuttals; my brain at war). Thats probably how its gonna be for the rest of my life and im good.
I shoulda woke up on the wrong side of the bed this mornin,
you know shake things up a bit maybe something different will come out of this day
i did something somewhat stupid but it's not that bad; i saw this girl ive been talking to for about a week or so. I was in her room alone with her for about an hour (she lives mad far) and i didnt do JACK. Usually i would be a go but lets just say shes not as mature as I am. conflicting thoughts of head v. head. The head in my brain whos been my own for 22 years and is more advanced than most against the dick head in my pants who is OD yearning for some white girl pussy.
YOo this shit is truly a weakness when you have two brains you do dumb shit. But i think the brain is gonna win this one because i dont want other dick heads goin through me in jail. that wont be a good look at all. the deterrent isnt exactly being secluded from the rest of society or being caged for a better portion of the day. the real deterrent is niggaz like bubba n shit and all the jail violence that goes unlooked by the gaurds n shit. I never want to see the inside of a jail cell and you know how easy it is for a black man to see one. Speaking of black men or people in general i was thinkin that CNN's black in America would be a broadcast of something positive about black people. They had poets doing their thing during the commercials n shit i was thinkin "ok this is gonna be some black empowerment thing", "its crazy that cnn is doing this" and "now the world will get a sense of what its like to live like us" LMAO boy was i wrong but being a soc major i should have known better. All CNN did was read off a bunch of social statistics regarding black folks. it was a look into our lives and all the negative things in it. 70% of black kids are born to unwed parents. The AIDs epidemic is runningg rampant throughout our community. Dumb black niggaz who (stereotypically) are labeled as lazy and unambitious were exposed as such. Our black women, the ones that have kids are most likely raising them alone.
Its sad because i know we can do better; we just need the love the latins have for each other and the white folks bank account and areas of expertise (which we can attain just as easily). Black men who rob folks are most likely to rob other black people than robbing any other race and thats just some sad shit. I can walk down the street and instead of seeing my brother i will most likely see an enemy.
But what can i do; i dont give a fuck all i gotta do is me right now. I gotta keep myself out of jail and keep my dick clean for my future queen. Anything other than that will be a detterrent of my happiness and i cant have that. The race as a whole aint goin down niggaz is in college and you never know the blacks in college may be the only ones who can survive in the future (who knows what that will bring specially with this recession).
Thats the reason i cant follow my dick even though at times it look like its leading me physically (think about it) lol. Thats what most of the black dudes i know do and it leads them into some shit. in order for me to be that different black man that i am; i got to fight off my banal instincts to fuck with baggage this bag has Kobe written all over it and being as smart as i am i cant fuck with it.
even if I am starvin to stab sumthin
iunno what it is about today but ima be really negative for a minute so bear with me..
*pause*
all my life ive coasted
i went through life gliding not makin noise
i stay in the gray area and no one notices. Trust it has its advantages because you never have to deal with drama, beefs and bullshit. Me? i envy one with these problems. those are good problems to me. i haven't dodged these things they just never seem to happen to me. In reality I HAVE NO ENEMIES. I'm not saying that no one fucks with me because i am who i am (quiet nigga with sometimes bad intentions). No one fucks with me because they have no reason to. Im thankful i never had to hide behind any walls when walkin down the street but i want to affect people. I dont want to inspire i dont want to influence i want to be recognized. Sometimes i feel that i'd rather be hated than live like a ghost. im not talking "hated on" since that shit is also going around (previous post "Swag"). Haters will never be a problem i have an out of sight out of mind thing. I want to be hated...and loved. i just want to make people feel something for me. I never thought i'd type this shit but here it is. I think thats why ive had an attitude this year although its brought me in contact with people who would never know me other wize. Although i have a "gray" personality ive always needed extremes around me. Dark and Light, Hate and Love..its certain and raw; my personality comes out around loud ass muthafuckas. its like they bump me out of the gray area when they around and i get buck. There aint much people like that i need to learn to do that shit myself.
Being in the gray area has its advantages but its most dire disadvantage is that the perception of you is also gray - Me ( i promise)
I want to be felt. i guess thats why im trying to wife any girl that comes my way; except the obvious hoes who i rarely go after because
- I'm OD afraid of any deabilitating thing happening to my dick (castration, AIDS, HIV)
- they usually dont do much for me but get my dick hard, i need more soul than that...always have
Emotional worth, aint no low cost when it comes to this. if we talkin ends of the love hate spectum, if you on the low end of the spectrum you might as well be on the same position on the other side...the amount of emotional worth you get is the same but it may be a different emotion. the worse off you can be is in the middle. other than my family, rite now i feel like in most peoples eyes im in the gray.
its whatever, it is what it is though
feelin a bit dissapointed rite now... lol
shit sucks journal,
Q's and A's
You would think answers are the hardest things to say
sometimes questions are the phrases with the difficult price
caus you might not be ready for a particular answer
all the while you trying to visualize the negatives
you visualize the whole convo from that exact question
like Tom Brady reading Baltimore's Defense before a play
the defense can change and if you wanna get somewhere..
you gonna need to hike the ball
and although u hafta try not to get sacked
you gotta play the game
....conversation shouldn't be this hard
LOl i just seriously listened to Jeezy's "I put on" with Kanye West.
As usual..
I hate it; Jeezy's part was ill though im diggin that "come and get a super plate" shit, im defenitely diggin that.. im not a Jeezy fan though, he relies on "Swag" too much. Nigga can say the dumbest shit in the world yet he coasts by cuz he "got mad swag". i remember seeing MTV's hottest rappers or watever top 10 jawn. Jeezy was listed above Nas (whos killin it right now), Jay Z on account that he has lol "swag". That shit is blinding niggaz for real Joe Budden said it best on Who part 1. The game is fucked up. i have to scrape and scrounge for something real out there. Im surrounded by dumb ass shitt songs lol. The voice amplifier is getting out of hand. how can someone have swag if he just jackin what the other nigga is doing.
Swag or Swagger: to act in an arrogant, overly self-assured, or conceited manner
When did this become so popular, lol i mean someone with adjectives like this should get beat down on the street....but its whatever Swag in street terms is just another name for confidence but its being overplayed sorta like what wearing pink was a couple of years ago. The word is every where i look and im not diggin it at all..
I'm a self sufficient nigga and i dont follow fads unless i can identify with them, ive always been this way. Im not trying to go against the grain im just doing me; have been since i was released from the clutches of my old man (since i was my mind was able to manifest physically and i could do as i please with myself). That included listening to the radio, wearing watever clothes i wanted, get away from them horned rimmed thick glasses, stopped being so nice to give people a good idea of me..lol Gawd i hated growin up under the nigga. I think thats why i dont like to be manipulated by anyone and anything. i pick black, white or gray and i stand by that shit and plant a flag. What i do with me is my business and it always just be my business until i have and extension i have to worry about (girlfriend).
The idea of confidence wasnt always instilled in me but it is now and now more than ever i do what i want when i want.. rebel shit
Sometimes i wished i know what i know now (about life and society) when i was a youngin. I would be so smart, no one could tell me nothin. If Ms Butler were to yell at me for not obeying her id scream its a free country, im an individual, im a man.. lol I'd probably get kicked out of so much schools but i would be ok because id have mad friends and id be the rebel child...The Black Shawn Hunter (Boy Meets World) lol, an early self actualized lil nigga whos so certain of himself.
Thats how ima raise my youngin, no doubt. I shouldnt dwell on the fact that i wasnt like that though because its not like i was anyones teachers pet. I was the slacker/ quiet kid who chilled with everybody. Shiet I still am that person now that i think about it, only im not so much of a slacker (a lil bit) :0).
I'll tell the story later, im sleepy
i dunno what to write today
i went deep insode my psyche and wrote down shit that i had a hard time acknowledging
speaking of having a hard time doing something. I usually have a hard time telling people about all of me. Everyone has some parts of themselves that you hide from the general population or your friends i usually dont mak3 an effort to divulge too much to anyone....
...that changed last night lol
The girl mentioned a few posts ago; she cracked me like an egg. I told her aloooot more than usual and its been on my mind. i dont know how to feel, cuz growing up me confiding in people have bitten me in the ass before.. Im not saying that will happen with her but history has taught me to keep some parts of me to myself... she wanted to know more than i was ready to give to her, at first i think she was less than annoyed by it cuz i would consistently be like..."nah its not time for you to know" or "wait til i know you better" (tattoo story). But she got me (she been got me). its not like she was withholding, she told me some deep stuff about her also and im appreciative of that im always down to knowing somone on a deeper level (specially someone im diggin). She still on gaurd though at least i feel like she is. but im not about to put that out on any website even though its only me readin right now. i just hope she blows some holes in that wall of hers so i can come in....she did say it will take time... (shruggs shoulders)..she could be worth it though..
I need to set some roots down in philadelphia...i mean ive been trying to fuck offa myspace but i need to crawl before i can walk. i need peoples so i can have a nightlife fuck, a daylife...a gawtdamn SOCIAL LIFE shiett. if it wasnt for this girl i would have no one rite now. id probably go insane to be honest with you. ima start playin ball at these local parks to get something going..
anyway.... im goin to bedd
P.S. If someone tells you to watch or asks you to watch a movie called Donnie Darko shoot them before you let them watch the movie, youd be doing them a favor...the movie is confusing and out there..it fucked up the high i got off of "Dark Knight" i gotta see that movie again though, it was NUTTTS
The movie was crazy. point blank period lol. Ive never been soo into such a film, it never let me go. since the beginning of the movie i don't think my mouth closed once. The man pictured above is mainly the reason for such a reaction. I know everyone and their mother is saying this, but you won't hear different from me...Heath Ledger defenitely is getting an award for this performance. I heard that sometimes he would have a hard time shaking this character off. There must be some type of omen or some shit with this character because Jack Nicholson said he warned him. Its sad but hey the movie was mad good.
Granted I'm probably not the only person but i love rooting for the Villains in movies. i don't know why anyone would do otherwise. Maybe its cause they are doing things i wish i could do. they stand out, they know better...they aren't bound by rules n shit, that's who i am but at a not so extreme level. sure i may look like the good dude or the nice guy but if you ask my mom like really ask her chances are shed say that's not me at all.Of course i don't want to go blowing up buildings and laughing like a homicidal maniac but i do have a dark side which i favor alot more than my good side. My good side is weak yo, not to be schizophrenic but it is. When you follow the rules it makes you lesser than you are. you are bound to a piece of paper or words that someone else have said. If i wasn't as chill as i am then id probably be a bad person to be honest with you. People mistake my apathy for me being cool or chill when in reality I don't give a fuck. i remember my junior year of college when my roommate would always call me the "yes" guy. lol... there is a difference from being the yes guy and just happening to say yes to everything. lol its not like they ever asked me to eat shit or anything.. i would say that it just happened to be my apathy combined with me always wanted to live the college lifestyle. everything i happened to say yes to it was because i wanted to or i didnt care either way.. but i went off tangent. Umm, where was I....To tell yall the truth i am really impatient, self centered, rebel, outlawish, vindictive and hurtful when i bother to open my mouth and i used to be violent when i was little. Some of you can see a little bit of these traits in me but most of you don't. Probably because you dont know me, or maybe im protecting yall from the real me. the way some people i know operate i don't think they could handle all that... What y'all do know is that sometimes i take people as nothing, relationships sometimes dont mean jack to me once i look at you in that negative light chances are you are done. I recently deaded my ex roomate for being a fuckin snake. no big arguments, no bad mouthing i just stopped talking to him. Ive done that a lot in my life he wasn't the first. I don't know how people would criticize such a move but it is what i do. I don't need to go into a shouting match with anybody in order to make a break in some friendship.... Joe Budden said it best:: "Relationships are never a threat, cuz i'll erase the history and act like we never met"
either that is how i do or i just haven't met anyone that is worth fighting for yet, i pride myself in not reacting to anything, no one can take me from my center, i leave when i wanna.. so instead of that rah rah fuck yous id rather we just say nothing
that's been me since i was little, whether it was through disagreements or just doing wrong to me, i just make the switch....
when i was little i would seriously fight my friends all the time. Ive definitely fought more friends than enemies in my life. i guess that's why friendships dont mean that much to me, all my life my enemies have been posing as friends so i naturally keep people at an arms length... (wow realization moment)
I mean there could be many reasons why i dont show people the dark side orf me maybe i dont have the courage to bring it out, I've always been smart and cunning maybe i realize that its not "profitable" to act in such a way i definitely have made opportunities being that good dude specially recently. Lookin back i could definitely say its a mixture of both. I am still trying to find my place in the world and being the good guy has opened doors.
.....God help me when i dont need anyone though
My next tattoo will probably be on the left side of my bicep (facing out) its a picture of the theatre masks (comedy and Tradgedy) and a libra scale underneath them... the thing about me and tattoos is that it has to mean something to me and I have to draw it. That is a must, who the fuck am i to have someone elses art on my body... not saying its dumb to have someone draw your shit, but i am an artist i just dont see it happening with me ( u never know though nothings concrete with me).
The reason im getting this tattoo is because of the fact that one of the most frequent thing in human nature is an outward expression of emotions. laughter and sadness are experienced with everybody, this tattoo is saying that there is a struggle to balance your smiles and frowns. sorta like the white dude (Officer Hoyt) from training day said. some old guy (who had his chest blasted by Denzel 'Alonzo Harris' Washington's shotgun later in the movie, lol.) figured Hoyt couldnt figure the streets out but Hoyt knew more than they thought...here go the dialogue::
Roger: You figure that joke out, you'll figure the streets out.
Alonzo Harris: There ain't nothing to figure out, that's just some senseless bullshit. Don't listen to him.
Jake Hoyt: You know, I already figured 'em out.
Alonzo Harris: Really?
Roger: You already figured the streets out.
Jake Hoyt: It's all about smiles and cries.
Alonzo Harris: Put the drink down, man, the motherfuckers out of his mind.
Roger: Hold on, Alonzo, hold on. Smiles and cries, smiles and cries, I hear ya.
Jake Hoyt: Yeah. You gotta control your smiles and cries, because that's all you have and nobody can take that away from you.
I dunno how that shit relates to the streets but the quote itself had me thinkin..in most situations in life u gotta control your smiles and cries. you cant smile while walkin in west philly and you can't cry during sex. It a work to balance the two, although its not like filing papers it is something.
The tattoo is a commemoration of that work, the balance bettween smiling and crying. The "OK" state is the base while the smiles and cries are opposite sides of an emotional spectrum each with its own platform on the libra scale. Besides its always been a struggle to balance the two when it comes to me....
PZ
saturday june 7th my family relocated to philadelphia, pennsylvania..i dunno why philly but it is what it is. frankly we moved because my moms and my brother were getting tired of New York and the only way my mother can live her lifelong dream of owning a house would be to move out of NY (expensive shits). the house itself is nice, i didnt choose it cause i was up in Albany for school.
Moving here was easy, living here for me has been hard, ima admit it. New York is all ive known. Other than one family i didnt know anyone over here. i dont know at what point did that matter to me. growing up all i needed was videogames and a roof over my head. going away to college has changed me immensly and although i havent even though it i am thank ful for the experience. i probably would have never known what having a life meant. now i cant go back to the life i've previously known. back in the day, albany to me stood for fun, not just fun but social fun. lol i think my personal record for consecutive nights out partying was two weeks, monday through saturday. i probably hit that plateau twice lol (good times). After that i wasnt the same. although drinkin and smokin is frowned upon those actions and what they brought made me who i am. im not dependent on the two at all. i quit smoking herb and i havent drank in more than a month (not by choice, im a social binge drinker).
by no means are they the only Fun thing to do obviously but in my head they equate with "the thing to do". we are at an age where (to quote fabulous - Not Give A Fuck) "Old enough to know better but young enough to not give a fuck". right now, to be honest with you everything id rather be doing rite now is looked at in a bad light in society, except fuckin (deprived).
Truthfully in Philly i dont know where to start, the people im surrounded by are citizens (old folks with jobs and responsibilities and kids). I tried myspace but im not about to myspace niggaz and be like "yo where the party at, where the bitches" lol. i could go to the clubs out here but it doesnt sound like a good idea..at least not alone or with a .45. when i come back here after college chances are im gonna have to become a citizen. and i Have mixed feelings about that (but mostly good feelings). I have used Myspace to contact girls in the area and thats it. speaking of girls there is one that im thinkin about right now; only because i havent heard from her in a minute. ive been talking to this one everyday for about 3 weeks probably more. So its wierd not talkin to her today. Without her id probably rott in this mothafucka, only thing is that she a bit slow when it comes to us but its cool although i wouldnt mind a lil fast forwarding. She has the potential to be special to me she sorta is already (not ready to full on admit that though) i wouldnt wanna fuck it up by rushin her. There was another chick i was talkin to but it probably fell through when i left to brooklyn for the week, i was tite cuz she had some D's on her, but its watever.
Im at the point of saying fuck it lemme just get around the area, im thinkin about iunno playin ball or sum shit even though im not the next Iverson its a fuckin start. I just found out that i have to take the damn permit test again. usually id be tight but its something to do. Hopefully this summer takes a U turn headin towards the good side...the better side would be a better selection of words
PZ
MY TRiBal Eye...
This is a picture of my first tattoo...
when people would ask me whats it of i would tell them to guess lol. its usually my way of gauging my creativity. makes them look harder at it and they see...an eye
i plan on getting it colored in but not before i get my next tattoo
anyway another question people would ask is: "why did u get that?" or "what does it represent?" they would ask these inquiring questions and depending on who you are to me i would either tell you what it represents or not. i wouldnt tell a person either cuz i dont trust them to grasp their minds around it or i dont think its worth telling. so i only tell the folks im close to, my mother didnt even know for about a year and she would understand the most cuz she was close to my situation which led me to get this tattoo. if you do see this then i either consider you close or you are someone i dont know (doesnt matter)
this tattoo is a commemoration of me going through depression.
now for you who dont understand either cuz u dont think black folks cant get depression or you just ignit to the idea of mental defects. depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain which affects more than your temperment. the things you would usually like you dont feel like doing, your sleep patterns are messed up. and you become numb to every emotion except sadness, u get that emotion 100 fold. in the day you become almost catatonic somewhat like a ghost of your former self because you arent totally numb, you think of every stressfull, negative thing in your life over and over and instead of moving forward you can do nothing but dwell. so the people surrounding you see you as almost lifeless; and that was the case with me, cumulatively i was under for about 2 and a half weeks not counting when i started therapy. although i knew what was wrong with me i didnt have the heart to do anything about it, how could I i was the one suffering, in order for superman to win his battle with kryptonite a third party had to come through and take the kryptonite away am i rite?? for me that third party was my mother. my mother comes home (at that time) around 5pm and everytime i was on the couch (the area in every house that no one could sit in lol) and id lie down staring at the t.v. she told me that sometimes it didnt look like i was watching. a couple days after she told me that she was gonna take me to talk to someone. normally id be like fuck no but i knew something inside me wasnt rite. we've all lived our lives in a predominatley OK, Copastetic state. if we are happy/sad it takes us out this state but its nothin to be alarmed about because we've been through all the shock value that leaving "OK" brings when we were little. i think thats why we alway cry as kids cuz the initial shock of being away from our "OK" state is too much to take. so back to the original story; i was soo far paast OK that it was notable even to myself. so i go to therapy and we talk, i talk about all my problems n shit which include a slew of family sicknesses, prom graduation (below avg grades with a wish to go away for college), my future and all. it helped a little until we go into some deep rooted shit, i could go into this but i'll just give you the short version...it was concluded that i had a problem in which i put other peoples problems ahead of my own. i constantly "held the cross" for everyone. whether it be withholding words so that someone had their way, sparing feelings too much, doing myself what others should do for themselves and it brought me down. i've went on a crusade so long making myself a tool for everyones happiness that i forgot about my own happiness... its like i felt i was a spectator in this world when i wasnt. I had problems and wants and they'd be in the backburner for...whoever. it had its affect and the conclusion was depression..at the end of that session she gave me the simplest quote that ive ever took to heart....
- "Do What Makes You Happy"
aint that a bitch five words any five year old can come up with and it became the key to regulating me...lol
as soon as she said those words a smile crept into my face, its like she said something that ive known all along but i couldnt find the words to say it.. I took them five mothafuckin words and i lived by it but it wasnt enough. the bitch therapist started to delve deeper into me like i was the joker or sum shit (The Dark Knight this Friday!! Holla!!) we started talking about my relationship with whoever. then we went on to my father lol. she kept assuming that my situation is part of the reason that i was the way i was. she kept asking about dude. i and i kept telling her that it wasnt an issue..thats when i decided i wasnt going back to therapy.
i wasnt as bad as i was when i first started out but i wasnt back to normal either thats when i came across heavy metal. the aggression in that music helped me. instead of being sad about shit i started to become angry. i remember workin out in a pace of a mad man, mean muggin all the way. although i was angry at shit i didnt intend to take it out on anyone, as long as i wasnt sad anymore i was good. i'd just take it out on the bike or the weights. one day i was OD goin in and my brother called me and my dumb ass snapped at him OD. he took it bad cuz i was an idiot thats when i knew that anger wasnt the answer and i just calmed down....back to OK mode..
So that Tattoo above is an eye with a tear coming out of it. the red outlining the pupil represents the anger i used to beat the depression...and there you have it
P.S. how did i "calm down"??? a lot of comedies lol jackass, Viva la bam....dumb shit.. hey it worked rite, u seen me lately?!?!
Later...
IM trying to be as positive as possible in lieu of the new me....well lemme start off by tellin u about the old me or the subliminal me because the "old" me is probably still in the new me. i wasnt always the man you see before you; i came into this world with limited material I didn't even have one third of a father; But thats no excuse there are plenty fatherless childs out there and they are ok. Not to say im not ok but there are certain aspects of my life thats fucked up, to be honest with myself.
Confidence wasnt always my flow i came from a shy ass chubby quiet kid with little words and no substance, i looked smart but i was a slacker (the reason i looked the way i did is cuz i was dolled up by my pops, Thick framed glasses, stupid rags and a fucked up constitution) but i always had that subliminal jene sais qoi..it made me be not totally a loner...i was lookin like a chubbed up urkel yet chillin with the popular kids lol, ive held my own in fights one loss danny xiao but thanx to Tacha.V a nigga felt like he won, lol. ive had dates to dances, i was in detention..it was what it was (nostalgia).
The point is i was below my standards almost all my life..but i always kneww that someday i would be "perfect"...this perfect is in the eyes of the beholder (me). ive been humbled constantly growin up which makes my personality top notch, now i just need the body (in my opinion)...lol one of the things ive learned in psychology this year is the mental fuck up that is body dismorphic disorder its when someone is stressin over an imagined or a minor body defect only my defect wasnt imagined, i was a biggun lol. i probably dont have the disorder but it did stress me all my life, ALL MY LIFE yoe. its affected my competence and my social functioning to this day.
However this aint no crying session i just need yall and me to understand where my mind state was at..
as i grew it became a bigger problem, only i didnt let it show AT ALL, although im missing certain aspects of a normal nigga...pride has never been absent in my life. ive never been the type to let anyone see me in a weak state. NEEEVER!!!! i just sucked it up (no homo) and bottled up my problems until im strong enough to deal with them, and deal with them is exactly what i did..
Triple fast forward to college
real college lol SUNY ALBANY
im livin downtown where im surrounded by white folks for the first time ever (in a somewhat closed situation *the college ghetto*, cuz we all surrounded by white people lol) the differences has never been so evident. Here i am a fat black dude livin in pine hills, albany lol me being negative i feel im not gettin no play so i eventually suck it up and joined the gym... i was a fuckin machine..Five days a week, i would take the weekends off to drink and nurse my hangovers. i would do this every week until i felt something, anything different. whether it was a "lookin good don" or a favorable weight decrease dictated by the scale at 218 quail street lol. Eventually i lost 20 pounds! i found this out during a party lol i was drinkin and i needed to break the seal and there was the scale..I stepped on it and i was 20 pounds lighter! thats when i knew that it could be done; that a kid fat out the womb can actually decrease in size with enough grit and determination. i kept going but not enough to get the job done...but all that told me that my goal can be achieved and it granted me a light at the end of the tunnel and at that point in life it was enough, there was partying to be done, alchohol to drown myself in, bitches to fuck...
fast forward to now this instant 11:24 PM July 15th, 2008 Philadelphia, Pennsylvania..i am probably 55 pounds lighter than when i started within 15 pounds of reaching my first goal and of course shits changed lol.On the surface i got confidence ive never would have had if it wasnt for the work put in.Granted i coulda lost every fat calorie in my body in 7 months like my brother did but shit im not much for sacrifices lol, but like the clipse said "times a wasting, niggaz doin so much hating, Free ya heart and show your greatness". And thats what's im trying to do as soon as possible who knows who i can be without this burden. Maybe i can actually get into a relationship without pushing people away or i can actually believe what one wants to be with me. Maybe i can be have total confidence in my competence, the belief that im ok in this world. Im tryin to free my heart. Niggaz is in chains, ive been caged by God and by myself. Ive had a certain idea of who and what i should look like and when i didnt look like that schema i wouldnt take any shots in the game of life. example: ohh that girl is fine but aww shit im fat what would it look like if shes seen with me like that. lol plain self doubt/hate/ watever u wanna call it. i was chained but currently these chains are loosening. yeap, who knows how many chains my soul is shackled to; God dont play. (im not blaming God im saying he made me the 8 pound baby im just trying to undo his majestic work a little). i can feel it, im so close when i walk into rooms its soo diffferent then before. When i walk into a room i can feel eyes looking at me, that doesnt change but my reaction to those eyes is different. These muthafuckas lend me their eyes and sometimes I feel like im God's Favorite; like there is a spotlight on me that only I can see. They say that God's Favorite has a Hard Time and i did but i just needed to work hard to come out on top. The dude wanna see me rise, i wouldnt enjoy the outcome of loosing weight if it was just given to me, there wouldn't even be a problem. Maybe he wanted to see what would arise out of a person like me. Maybe he wanted to see what a prideful man trapped in his own skin would do to set his soul free and what would become of him when he does free his soul. Who am i to let my spiritual father down lol shiiieeeet like he believed i would stay the way i was.
Any way the point of this post is to let yall know and for me to finally put into words my life struggle. And now when my dream is finally comming true i feel comfortable in letting the world know lol, whenever i release this to whoever. Now lemme go talk to my baby
