COGNI.VOL...

I should rename this blog drom hard words on Soft Sheets to something else. Writing these things down isnt hard anymore. Sharing em will always be but iunno about that. I gotta learn to be comfortable with myself and share myself with others well everyone. As i typed that last sentance a skeptical look crept over my face. This world is too cutthroat for me to "share myself" openly.

See how i compromise my previous statement with the last one. I genuinely meant what i said at the time but i disagreed with myself with the next sentance. Thats how complex I am, I could say something and disagree later. Its like im fighting myself. These contradictory statements one behind another shouldnt be happening but it is. I dont think its a mental problem at all. Sometimes i know whats good for me and despite my true wishes i go with whats best.
The first statement suggesting i share myself is what's best for me in the long run. I will be more comfortable around people and they will know who I am without having to pry n shit. The second statement is what i really want to do because life is a bitch and in order for me to survive well imna have to keep doin what im doin. I stay fighting/analyzing/restraining myself; like i dont have to live in this world too. little by little im breaking the links though, the process just needs to happen faster, I'm 22 years young!

Is it in my own nature
to bind myself
to become my own hater
to hide myself
To be a ghost in flesh
in conflict without making sounds
Why the fuck do I keep putting me Down
deaf to my wants and my needs
planting seeds
of doubt, jealousy, my heart bleeds
like the rest of em
there he go life Lsat testing him
keeps failing cus his lefts fightin his right
blinding him yung homie not seeing the light
he moves forward carrying weight of many men
learnin to control his conflictin brain stem
soon they learn to become good to the nigga
situations to the hatian his perspecives gettin bigger


im gettin good at this, i wish i had a spliff right now