I had a dream that I killed somebody the other night.
Here I am, laying down on my memory foam mattress, comfy as shit, and I'm dreaming about ending a dude.
Here's what I remember from the dream...
. it took place in a subway, like, the sandwich store.
. I killed a man, a black dude, smh.
. I used my hands, I beat him to death.
. as it was happening I legitimately felt fear.
. it was gruesome
. somehow, no one saw it happen I left the subway on s16th street, center city, Philadelphia.
. I don't know why I killed him, like no clue.
. as soon as I left the store, the paranoia kicked in.
. it felt so real.
. I go through the work day and hide out in my apt.
. I remember watching the news and when they mentioned the crime, my stomach dropped.
. cops kicked down my door and I was arrested.
. the uncertainty and paranoia felt so real.
. I woke up after freaking out once I was trapped in a prison cell.
Yo I couldn't sleep after that shit. I was sweating, my shirt was cold with sweat. I dont know why I dreamed about it or why it was focused on the emotional consequences of the act. That was worse than the act itself.
I need to stop watching first 48
Peace
No more dating women with kids.
Ugh. I'm not gonna front though, when I left that girls door for what I knew was going to be the last time, I knew. I knew, I liked her kid as a person, more than I did her. Not because hes a little human but because he was a decent person.
He was not jaded by past failures with the opposite sex. He was not overtly socially awkward. He's a kid, he wasn't socially awkward at all. He was funny, adventurous, and actually polite!! Like, on some mornings dude would go in his mother's fridge and get me some food. A couple grapes, one of those juice baggies ( i forget what they are called), effin Yogurt! He was awesome.
For real tho, how is your child polite but you aren't!!?? That shit BOGGLES my mind! He has one parent in his life but he knows more about courtesy and about being a friend than that same parent!!? LMAO.
that's crazy to me.
Im glad I got lil man that spider-man plug and play controller. He earned that shit like a mothafucka. I spent more $$ on him in March than i did his mother. LOLOLOL.
I'm only writing this because she is shooting subliminals at me on Facebook and its taking a lot for me not to respond.
Yea I'm over it. I'm not responding. Im 28, If my name ain't mentioned, I cant respect it.
"Weak" was written in my head as I was on my way home from some situation I been through with my now girlfriend. I felt bad not writing it down cuz it needed to recorded. It doesn't apply to JUST her.
Neither does it apply to all women.
Audience, if you are out there, chances are you know who I'm talking about.
The needy/clingy
The insecure
The self defeatist
The weak
I'm sick of em b.
Yeah, its harsh , but I'm not all there myself. See, I'm emotionally unavailable. I'll admit to my weaknesses (if you can call it that). I would say emotionally void but the "unavailable" term or the term emotionally awkward describes me perfectly.
So you could see where I come from.
If you can't ...peep this...and I'm not boasting, I'm trying to paint a picture.
1) I've fallen in love 2 times. The first time, I fell out of"love"a week later. The second time, I fell out of love anywhere between 6months to a year and a half in the relationship. Not sure when it happened but I'm not about to open up that can.
2) I hardly ever say " I love you" to anyone. Not those two females I alluded to above nor my mother and other family members. I'll reciprocate the notion if someone says it to me but I'll rarely come out and state it.
That's not to say I don't love my family though.
Cuz I do..
But there's this meme going around that states :"what's understood does not need to be explained". Something like that. Its sums my attitude about it nicely.
3) I don't understand the healing power of hugs. I was told that they can be comforting. Sex is comforting too tho. So is alone time and meditation.
4) I don't understand venting. I've tried it but I'd rather keep to myself and try to fix the issue. People are different though and I'm a decent listener.
Whatever... please believe that neediness and emotional hand holding is not for me. I'm not the one for it, not cuz I don't want to... its because I do not understand the need. When you whine to me over something, chances are that ill look at you as if you are a whiny child. Like yo, here you are, you're trying to get me to help you, and you end up annoying me. It ain't your fault, that's just how I see things in my head. It's like we speak a different language. It's like I have on the proverbial emotional beer goggles. I just think differently when confronted by that kind of stimuli. *Kanye Shrug*,
If I have an issue, I handle it, I forget about it, I move on. My ideal woman is a woman who is sorta like me. Someone I don't have to baby. Someone who is mentally strong. She don't gotta be cold, just don't be weak.
Anyway
I was just upset that I couldn't find that person. Then I look up and down my fb timeline and instagram timeline and I see women who have turned super soft as a result of being dicked down by a male flavor of the month.
Months before, those same women were bad mouthing the last guy lol. talking shit and boasting about their ability to be without their former significant other when before they couldn't live without em. At least that's what it looked like in my POV. Its a cycle and I'm just sick of the phoniness.
Show ya strength.... whether you're alone or otherwise.
Why is it that people, more specifically women, habitually and routinely fail to show their strength??
A woman can be in a relationship with someone and revert to what appears to be toddler like behavior. They all of a sudden rest on their laurels and just stop trying to be emotionally self sufficient. Just cuz u talking to someone or are in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you get to start being emo child.
"Oh my day is bad... fuck what you're currently doing and listen to me whine about shit."
"I need a hug, come to the opposite end of town and give it to me...never mind that we were within 5 minutes of each other an hour ago and I'm coming at you with this now."
"Oh no you aren't heeding my requests at the time it was requested even though you got shit to do.. this is a major indication of a character flaw you possess."
"I need you."
Or
"#him"
"#him is everything right now"
"I don't know what id do without #him"
Yadda yadda, u get the picture.
Then when things eventually dissolve and y'all break up NOW she wanna show strength, now she wants to be Ms independent, now she wants to grow up and have an emotional backbone.
"Team single"
"Fuck Nigs get Money"
"Can't raise a man"
"Nigs ain't shit"
"Guys are all dogs"
Posting blog posts about how men ain't shit and that they are immature/whatever!!!
Where was that attitude when y'all were together. Where was that strength when you were arguing with that man over some menial bull s*** . When did you become a 20 something year old again?? Look who's back.
I may be insensitive but yeah the hypocrisy is staggering. Its retarded. if you are a strong woman show that s*** all the time . Not just when it's convenient or when you're hurt or when you're not with somebody. Because it's that strength that probably brought a man to you. No one wants an emotional ball and chain. Especially a person like myself who values his own strength and the strength he sees in others.
Like yo....my ideal chick is Claire Underwood from House of Cards. Not because she's white, but because she's in touch with her emotions but she does not let them rule her. She doesn't fight with Frank over bullshit and she is objective oriented. Team player. Frank doesn't have to carry her.
Hmmm....
We can all dream tho.
This is about the movie "Her". I'm not even entirely finished with the flick and my mind and my thoughts are racing because of it mainly because I have so many ideas and theories about it.
Spoiler the fuuuck alert tho.
Okay so before Theodore Twombly met OS Samantha he was a husk of a man, just a sad dude. Failed marriage, sucky job, unfulfilled, unadventurous, just a sad mothafucka.
He "met" Samantha and fell in love and then he started changing, he was more "out there", more outgoing, and more empowered.
This ain't some new shit tho, it's happened to all of us. Most of us don't even gotta fall in love to start acting "brand new".
What bugged me out tho was that his chick wasn't even fucking real!
She was a Google android, shit, the Bitch may as well be IOS7 lol. She wasn't physically there to gawk at, to hold, to fuck, to observe. She was a voice, a Personality, a brain, maybe.
But not really
See, to Twombly, the Bitch was indeed real.
Eventually, in the movie, she made him happy and introspective and open to shit. She provoked deep thoughts and feelings such as love, peace, joy, uncertainty, jealousy, pain, loss, and sadness. Even though she wasn't there, in some ways, she was. My man went through a whole emotional roller coaster with a girl who existed to him but was not physically in this world. THAT BUGGED ME THE FUCK OUT !!!
and it shouldn't.
Women are more than tits, ass, head, thighs, pussy, thots (wtf is that), buss it babies, bad bitches, baby mamas, stallions, ride or die bitches, or barbie and I know this man but it's so easy to forget!
No offense....
This movie has a moral and it literally took away the physical form of a female to get that message out to us. A woman's value is not dependent on the size of her assets but on the way she makes us feel about the world and most importantly about ourselves.
I'm strictly speaking in terms of a woman's worth to a man in the romantic, boy, girl relations ,sense tho. Fuck all the other shit. Y'all don't need me to tell you that women are more than simply the object of a man's affections.
The man was acting brand new, he was climbing mountains, sailing boats, dancing in the streets, singing songs, signing divorce papers (letting go of his ex), just being a complete 180 degree version of the man he was before he met Samantha and her body and physical well-being had nothing to do with it. It was weird yet beautiful to see when i truly thought about it.
Don't get it fucked up tho, in essence we all probably do feel that way about our significant others but it's very easy to get wrapped up in makeup and ass and booty and titties, hair and other tangibles that a woman may possess.
This movie kinda made me realize {it mostly reminded me} that all that bullshit pales in comparison to what that dude Twombly felt. the elation of finally being understood and accepted by another intelligent being is severely underrated to me and to others in society. It is sad because it may be the key to the happiness we strive for.
I wanna climb mountains and sail boats too
:-(
Ok see, Ive only been driving since 2009 but I must say, you would not know it if you have been inside of a car while I'm driving. I say this because I am so confident behind the wheel that it seems that I've been driving since I was 16.
I have not been driving since I was 16 I didn't need to. I grew up in a city where having a car is only a minor advantage, If not a disadvantage. It depends on who you talk to.
Anyway, where I'm from you can take the subway anywhere. And you didn't need the car. Yeah you wouldn't be able to get certain women and the late night creep would be a bit hard to do. But those are the only negativesI see about not having a car in New York.
When I came to Philadelphia and I saw the subway system and the way the buses worked, I knew I had to get a car. Philly only has two city trains. There are others but they are basically a lesser version of the Metro North. Not to say that the quality of those trains are unlike the ones in New York. I'm just saying that because it doesn't have to cover as much ground basically.
Driving in philly gives one a huge advantage. Philly is small enough that when you have a car you can go about anywhere and it would take no time. You don't have to waste time waiting for buses and waiting for trains that does not come as often as you would like. I swear waiting for septa is one of the worst part of public transportation. Don't get me wrong Google helps but still.
Also the rides on septa are so long and un necessary it makes no damn sense. The longest a ride I've been on a city bus was like an hour and a half to get from Northeast Philadelphia to Bucks County. as soon as I got to Bucks County I was like never again. Started learning how to drive again next day two weeks later I passed the road test.
fast forward right now I'm probably one of the best drivers ever lol. You think I'm playing but I'm dead serious. I've dodged just enough accidents and played with the car enough times to believe in myself like that. I'm no Fast n furious mother f***** but I do my thing.
I try to chill but I'm kinda eccentric, here are some of my driving practices.
1. Texting and driving, I know its bad and I don't do it, per se. At least, not while the car is actually moving. As texting and driving incidents go up and laws have been made preventing such incidents from happening, I took it upon myself to chill on that. Now, if there is is a red light or heavy traffic I'm more likely to be texting, flipping through songs, or doing some shit.
2. Road rage....ok lemme explain. I don't necessarily have over the road rage, I just get annoyed easily while behind the wheel. I can't stand the dumb s*** . people who are too slow. People who want to look into your car. People who doesn't understand that green means go. People with us we're in and out of traffic like dumb f**** . People who know that they got to a stop sign before you and want to play the waiting game like a mother f****** b****. People to to bust you turns out of nowhere. People who drive way too close to my car. People who stop n go like a schizophrenic a****** . people who bait fender benders. Etc etc etc. I could go on and on.
3. Speeding is all well and good but one has to know when to do it. You can speed on the local road but you're going to have to stop on a stop sign or when there is a car in front of you so why do it? You gotta know when to speed it safe and you waste a lot less gas (I think) lol.
I'm bored of writing about this so I am going to stop. Safe driving folks. Don't drink and drive. Don't text while the car is moving. And have some god damn sense.
;-)
Yo I'm a master son.
Like
for real
Ya boy has a masters degree.
Criminal Justice
The craziest thing about it though is that it was something, at some point in my life , that id never achieve. I mean I didn't just get a masters just to get it but to achieve something so significant in MY life. Ya boy ain't never had shit. Lets be real here. I live with my Mom, yea, I have my own car but I've never done anything I FIND significant.
High School
College
My family instilled those things in me. I always thought I'd do that (unless something serious happens that stifles my path). My family would drag my carcass to graduation even if I didn't want to. I was never hesitant about it and I never doubted myself.
But that Masters tho
lol i doubted myself heavily in this rung that is Grad level academia. First off : although Ive always knew id graduate high school and college, the quality of my work was not held to a high standard. Whatever though, I've had fun in college so, I don't regret it. It did however, umm, fuck up my chances, of being outright, accepted into WCU. I went through a probationary period in which I had to pass all three of my first three courses. Which was hard as shit.
Anyway fast forward I'm learning all about myself and about crJ.
I learned that i was rusty as shit when it comes to writing papers.
I learned that I couldnt fuck with these other students in terms of eloquence and creativity.
I also learned that
I can improve.
I'm a fuckin beast
I have/had a couple of great support systems at different periods of time while at grad school.
These people hooked me the FUCK up. My ex, my almost ex, and the eternal homie JUJU especially.
Anyway I went through considerable mental growth and maturity going through Grad school and in addition to the piece of paper that says you can call me Master DON, or Mastodon for short. Ive Got a better outlook on what i wanna do. I got a better outlook on how I'm gonna do it. And i got a stronger knowledge of self and self respect that cant be quantified.
Good night.
done a lot of growing up during my time away.
one of the more recent lessons I've learned parentheses I'm still learning life lessons at 28 parentheses. this lesson I will take to my grave but I will share with everyone who cares enough to read or to listen.
valuing yourself is severely underrated
sidebar I feel like some of the best quotes for life lessons are simple as f***
I feel like I've always viewed the opinions and the (generally) lives of other people more than I value my own opinion and what I have going on. Don't get me wrong I I am a selfish human being. I will do what's necessary for me 9 out of 10 times. But sometimes in this social media landscape in this small world it's easy to get lost in the lives of others. The Computer was meant to be a window to something that is unknown. Nowadays the computer is used to tell, tally, record, document, show, and tell one's life.
When ungreatful, individuals like myself look into the windows into other people's lives we can use it as a vehicle to drive the emotions that is jealousy, envy, and ungratefulness forward, deeper into our own lives.
I remember reading something that stated that's when you are in your 20's you look to compare yourself to those you grew up around as a way to gauge your progress in life.
How easy is this to do today!?!!!
There is Facebook, Instagram, Twitter n shitt. and everyone wants to be mini Socrates or play around like they are celebrities n gurus n shit. it's hard to recognize that people are going through s*** just like you are.
I don't think I am where I am supposed to be in life. I am 28 years old and I am in a career/job is only valuable as a stepping stone to something greater. Before this job though, I was unemployed for a year and a half.I kind of got jaded and I needed to occupied with what people thought of me.
My birthday was weird, I cared more about peoples reaction to my birthday then actually planning something major for it myself. Yo!!! I was at work expecting a big fanfare just like people do for other people's birthdays but it didn't happen. More than three fourths of my training class either I didn't know or didn't care. I was so tight , it was pathetic and embarrassing that I cared that much. My saving grace was that I had enough pride to not show that it bothered me.
Although it was a bummer, it brought forth a valuable lesson : you can't let people make you; you have to make yourself. one must value themselves...think about it, if you let others value you then they rule you.
treat yourself, cheat on others with yourself, love yourself.
now more than ever its important as fuck
(skips the welcome back post)
A few updates though.
I write a hell of a lot better.
I'm certainly more mature.
Ive been more selective about the women i fuck with and how deep i get with em.
Since 2010 ive been in 3 serious relaitonships...others not so serious. At least not to me lol [-_o].
Right now im talking to this girl (literally talking (2000 text messages and countless calls).
Im enjoying her (Note ::cold stone party cake remix). Apparently shes enjoying me too ;-)
Shes also , kinda inspired me to start writing again. Hence why i'm here. So i'm just gonna play catch up. Write about the adventures I've been through since this date 1/3/14. I'll be tryin to post consistently. Hopefully it works out. If not, we'll see in a couple of years.
I guess that was the welcome post, huh?
What is being a man?
(2014) this was written by me 4 years ago. I'm proud of this one right here. Very fuckin proud.
(2014) wtf is this, I was trying too hard.
how is it that you snuck up back in mii brain
(2014)
Wow this is so old! LoL
Old joint.
(2014)
