IM trying to be as positive as possible in lieu of the new me....well lemme start off by tellin u about the old me or the subliminal me because the "old" me is probably still in the new me. i wasnt always the man you see before you; i came into this world with limited material I didn't even have one third of a father; But thats no excuse there are plenty fatherless childs out there and they are ok. Not to say im not ok but there are certain aspects of my life thats fucked up, to be honest with myself.
Confidence wasnt always my flow i came from a shy ass chubby quiet kid with little words and no substance, i looked smart but i was a slacker (the reason i looked the way i did is cuz i was dolled up by my pops, Thick framed glasses, stupid rags and a fucked up constitution) but i always had that subliminal jene sais qoi..it made me be not totally a loner...i was lookin like a chubbed up urkel yet chillin with the popular kids lol, ive held my own in fights one loss danny xiao but thanx to Tacha.V a nigga felt like he won, lol. ive had dates to dances, i was in detention..it was what it was (nostalgia).
The point is i was below my standards almost all my life..but i always kneww that someday i would be "perfect"...this perfect is in the eyes of the beholder (me). ive been humbled constantly growin up which makes my personality top notch, now i just need the body (in my opinion)...lol one of the things ive learned in psychology this year is the mental fuck up that is body dismorphic disorder its when someone is stressin over an imagined or a minor body defect only my defect wasnt imagined, i was a biggun lol. i probably dont have the disorder but it did stress me all my life, ALL MY LIFE yoe. its affected my competence and my social functioning to this day.
However this aint no crying session i just need yall and me to understand where my mind state was at..
as i grew it became a bigger problem, only i didnt let it show AT ALL, although im missing certain aspects of a normal nigga...pride has never been absent in my life. ive never been the type to let anyone see me in a weak state. NEEEVER!!!! i just sucked it up (no homo) and bottled up my problems until im strong enough to deal with them, and deal with them is exactly what i did..
Triple fast forward to college
real college lol SUNY ALBANY
im livin downtown where im surrounded by white folks for the first time ever (in a somewhat closed situation *the college ghetto*, cuz we all surrounded by white people lol) the differences has never been so evident. Here i am a fat black dude livin in pine hills, albany lol me being negative i feel im not gettin no play so i eventually suck it up and joined the gym... i was a fuckin machine..Five days a week, i would take the weekends off to drink and nurse my hangovers. i would do this every week until i felt something, anything different. whether it was a "lookin good don" or a favorable weight decrease dictated by the scale at 218 quail street lol. Eventually i lost 20 pounds! i found this out during a party lol i was drinkin and i needed to break the seal and there was the scale..I stepped on it and i was 20 pounds lighter! thats when i knew that it could be done; that a kid fat out the womb can actually decrease in size with enough grit and determination. i kept going but not enough to get the job done...but all that told me that my goal can be achieved and it granted me a light at the end of the tunnel and at that point in life it was enough, there was partying to be done, alchohol to drown myself in, bitches to fuck...
fast forward to now this instant 11:24 PM July 15th, 2008 Philadelphia, Pennsylvania..i am probably 55 pounds lighter than when i started within 15 pounds of reaching my first goal and of course shits changed lol.On the surface i got confidence ive never would have had if it wasnt for the work put in.Granted i coulda lost every fat calorie in my body in 7 months like my brother did but shit im not much for sacrifices lol, but like the clipse said "times a wasting, niggaz doin so much hating, Free ya heart and show your greatness". And thats what's im trying to do as soon as possible who knows who i can be without this burden. Maybe i can actually get into a relationship without pushing people away or i can actually believe what one wants to be with me. Maybe i can be have total confidence in my competence, the belief that im ok in this world. Im tryin to free my heart. Niggaz is in chains, ive been caged by God and by myself. Ive had a certain idea of who and what i should look like and when i didnt look like that schema i wouldnt take any shots in the game of life. example: ohh that girl is fine but aww shit im fat what would it look like if shes seen with me like that. lol plain self doubt/hate/ watever u wanna call it. i was chained but currently these chains are loosening. yeap, who knows how many chains my soul is shackled to; God dont play. (im not blaming God im saying he made me the 8 pound baby im just trying to undo his majestic work a little). i can feel it, im so close when i walk into rooms its soo diffferent then before. When i walk into a room i can feel eyes looking at me, that doesnt change but my reaction to those eyes is different. These muthafuckas lend me their eyes and sometimes I feel like im God's Favorite; like there is a spotlight on me that only I can see. They say that God's Favorite has a Hard Time and i did but i just needed to work hard to come out on top. The dude wanna see me rise, i wouldnt enjoy the outcome of loosing weight if it was just given to me, there wouldn't even be a problem. Maybe he wanted to see what would arise out of a person like me. Maybe he wanted to see what a prideful man trapped in his own skin would do to set his soul free and what would become of him when he does free his soul. Who am i to let my spiritual father down lol shiiieeeet like he believed i would stay the way i was.
Any way the point of this post is to let yall know and for me to finally put into words my life struggle. And now when my dream is finally comming true i feel comfortable in letting the world know lol, whenever i release this to whoever. Now lemme go talk to my baby
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