Im balancing too many females for reallll! lol
Im talkin to a new chick now, Cnell
its gettin to be toooo much its like im at work typing lol respondin to messages
lol
ima get back at this (edit) NEVERR lol
Update though lol, i dropped Cnell ohhhh i just now remembered who she was, yeah she could have been a good friend but i wasn't feeling her in that way. Hard to believe i know but its true. We dont even talk anymore ehh.
Done
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ohh man im soo tired, im fighting the itis, the bus lag and nyquil, i wanna see the presidential debate and im doing so right now. Im sooo tired but im in philly and the CreativeZV was on full effect. My last minute addition was RAPHAEL SAADIQ'S "The Way I See It".
I didnt know what to expect from this album. I mean I am familiar with his music style and his voice on ludacris' "Splash Waterfalls", I got Lucy Pearls album on my CZV and i liked that so i thought i'd get it. From the begginning to end ive listened to this album at least 6 times today. It is Banannas it makes me want to explore neo-soul alot more. His sound is amazing, the song may have existed in some form before ( remastery & additions). His productions is top notch and this album feels like it should have dropped nearly 50 years ago (great thing!). Its my favorite album possibly of all time yo and that IS CRAZZY LOL. I recommend this to anyone with a brain and with some appreciation for REAL music. This is the defenition of real music!!
yeah just sleazed off, homegirl is getting guud on that dome... wow i def shouldn't be posting this.
seeing "Ny" is gettin me mad amped as soon as i see her ima put lips and hands on her. Her body is riiiight lol, and she loves me so thats a plus. Looks like Tie might be on the homies list cuz i don't want to bounce her around. Her commin to me for help solidified it for me, it sorta turned me off; she talkin about some dude from her past. It was Just another strike against her, its all good though that just makes me get the upper hand. Snowflake is volatile, reckless white girl who has no qualms about lying to me, maybe. i havent caught her yet but questions still arise; shiet Ny is realll volatile but hopefully they miss me enough to holla at the kid ya digg.
Cuddlin up with shorti today made me think of Tasha, everytime we'd lay down together my hands would be attatched to her chest like Velcro pockets. Dry humpin that ass of hers, smellin her hair, her moaning gottamn her moaning was like music to me. I remember when i was asleep the first nite, been took the L for the nite, im awaken by my hands being moved to her neatheregions and as i played her violin she would moan like ... (shivering). Twas the first time i realized it.
I miss her more than i thought i would but i aint letttin her know that, she just gonna make me regret telling her, besides im hoping i can get over it. I got me two numbers today, hows that for getting over her. I got class tommorow and i got to wash my nuts sooo...later
"youre never happy"
"everytime someone gets close to you its like you don't give a damn"
From 500 miles away my mother told me this.
SHe came with this outta left field but who knows why anyone brings anything up anymore. Its just one thread crossing another in the quilt of life.
She said she talked to my brother and he still concerned that he isnt as close to me as he would like; he confessed this to my mom according to my mother. She said she's failed as a Mom; she said shes tried to get close to me and close to my brother but she's disappointed in herself for not bringin me and my brother more together. Reginald told her about the times in IHM where it would seem like im pushing him away. Not talkin to him in public, whenever he'd wait for me afterschoool id beckon him to go home Im a bad brother...
for a lil nigga to grow up without a father i should have been the next best thing and i wasnt. I used the excuse that i was a miserable child and although that may be true to a degree. I shoulda been there for him. I look at him now and i wish i saw the lil kid he used to be. He was soo alive runnin around gettin into shit. Cursing out lil youngins (girls and boys alike). He was so stubborn no one could tell him nothin and i admired that about him.
Now he looks so defeated, he stays in one room for the better part of the day, doesnt go out. He's become a polar opposite of what he was supposed to be. Am i to blame?? I feel like in some ways i Am, i ruined his life. Mom says that its too late to come together because im gonna be doing my own thing officially soon and we're gonna grow even more apart. SHe even said that im like this with my two cousins too. Lil 12 year old kid Youry looks up to me and sees gold and i push him away also, not completely though i dont think but for a while i cant say i havent tried. Lil cousin ramath everytime he comes through for the summer we wind up gettin further and further apart...not just from me but from my brother now too.
I dont know what to do... I dont even know why... i didnt want to ruin the boy i didnt even think it was possible. I guess i underestimated my influence. I dont know what to do...
I feel like shit right now
is that why i havent been in a long lasting relationship
no matter how hard i try to figure life out i still wind up feeling like ive missed something and while ive been thinkin i found out later that i should have been doing.
I could go deep inside myself to find an answer but i dont think i want to, it could be too painful to write...
(pause)
ok
lemme just write
the reason...fuck there is never o good reason for sumthin like this....
The way i am; I was a fucked up person i know. there were times where i didnt hold my family to such high regard. They were simple, constantly bickering and controlling. I didnt like to be controlled so i resented them to the point where i did not like some of them. My brother didnt deserve all the shit i put him through though. Whatever it is that i did it wasnt for him. I dont love him to be honest with you but maybe i do why else am i tearing up right now. Growing up i never got familial love. not that ive never recieved it, i never understood it. To grow up with a father you didnt like and a mom who was always tryin to work and struggle and toil for bank you tend to miss a few things. I love my mom though i think, how do i know if i love her! Thats the problem i dont know... everytime i write the word i pause for a couple of seconds to self debate if i actually do or not. If this is the case do i actually love my family, can i love anyone?? I hold my mom in high regard so when she says things like the shit listed above i take it seriously. I think im fucked up man...and i had no clue to what extent!
(hours later)
Or maybe everyone needs to lighten up and not focus on me as much...what makes me so special yo. Any other person may move on and find him, why is he stuck on it still. I had my own problems to deal with and i still do. He needs to wake up smell the shit. Yeah i feel sorry for him and yea i may be half maybe even more than half responsible but he should take me for what/who I am. I never was a role model i didnt think i was worth lookin up to. I actively seeked to push everyone away.
Ive learned at this instance the fact that everything in ones life is connected in one way or another...i wonder what connected me to my old self.
(minutes later)
i was angry... thats what it was. I was tooo angry and too young to contest it so i would take it out on whoever. Mostly my family and friends. Almost all my fights were with someone i know or someone with the same blood. Every sibling ive ever had except kristie has been hurt physically by me at one point. At least once pretty bad with each sibling. Im not gonna get into details though. Mostly my fights have been with friends too. I didnt like being wronged so if they did do me wrong id fight them. I wasnt the bully type no not at all. All defensive shits either i was wronged or I felt like i was wronged and it usually ends up in a fight. Ever since 8th grade ive changed my ways though. I havent fought since, i became low key and some what a pacifist. I do sometimes think about fighting though. I dont get angry as much and if i do i used to try not to show it. I heard that im gonna explode one of these days but i don't think so; or maybe i want to explode, seee what happens.
My mom also started talkin about any potential kids i might have. She doesnt want me to treat them like i do my brother or any of my siblings. I dont think im going to, shiet i dont want to treat them this way and hopefully i wont. Although i dont know what love is (implied [familial] or acquired [relationship]) i hope to know it when i see it and act accordingly whatever that is. Just by me saying "act accordingly" is sayin that something is up...
im done analyzing myself...
been a while since i wrote... i gots me a stuffy nose so i just feel like sleeping
I bagged a shorty that works around the campus center not too long ago...she's ok I like tall chicks. Almost went out with her tonite but i wasnt really goin for the mild mannered shit, i just wanted to get drunk and party but that didnt happen so we just wounded up talkin n shit (nothin remotely serious; hint of flirting. This other shorty caught my eye also, she worked the register today and we been raggin on each other all day, i think she digs me, always got sumthing to say whenever i enter her radius. lol i shoulda took the number then but i felt that it wasnt right...yet, Ima see her again anyway, Homegirl is rightt she even know how to speak chinese (not asian, she black), i luv smarts hahah. Yeah it is saturday and im not doin shit....a week from now ima be fuckin my boo like crazy and its gonna feel mad good. lol how can i say that? I'm a wolf bruhh
im goin to sleep i feel like a zombie....
Its been a looong time since i wrote some deep shit about myself on here. I just finished reading some of my old posts and they delved deep into my soul n shit. I was self analyzing solving my own problems by writing shit down and it helped immensely. Those posts were declarations of my deepest thoughts that ive been holding inside me for a loooong time. Either ive told someone this or ive told no one this.
I miss Ashley (random thought but ima elaborate before i go to work)
Ashley was probably my first crush that ive acted on. She was my cousins best friend and when we were youngins i saw her and i instantly was diggin her. We knew each other from when we were reaaal young but im talkin when we were significantly grown and capable i was capable of such an emotion. Umm yeah soo My cousin would talk to her on aim and one day i made a mental note of her screename and i got at her, she was livin in Philly me in Brooklyn, but i had to tell her that i was feeling her cuz it was the strongest emotion Ive felt for anyone at that point in life. After a couple sessions n shit we started to gett to know each other to the point where we can tell each other anything,...
as long as we weren't face to face lol
I would freeze up whenever she was around and shit lol. She would get mad that i dont talk to her...it would be this never ending cycle until i took steps to end it and i did during one of my cousins birthday parties. We grew kept talkin non stop.... Now i did tell her i was feeling her and shit but by that time whatever we had was too strong and she didn't wanna risk it, besides we like 500 miles apart.
I took it well, we were 500 miles apart so i wasn't really distraught or nothin, i liked the fact that i could tell her everything and she been my
my .... be..good friend ever since
umm, My feelings for her was complicated because there would be times when id be really digging her like i was before or when she was just my peoples but id say throughout id feel a mixture of the two. Im always gonna have something for her. Shiet as i was comming into my own she even confessed for having something for me.
Everything ive ever held in, any problems ive been through, women trouble, parent trouble she's had a hand in. I can say in utter confidence that she knows the most about me than anyone in the world. Shiet i even replaced my cousin, they arent as tight as they used to be whilst me and her were on the contrary. Besides my family and her theres no one else id take a bullet for (we done talked about that too haha). I miss her now though.
She's in college n shit, ive even moved to Philadelphia and i haven't even seen her, maybe it's for the best who the fuck knows. I do know that every time i saw Brown Sugar and Love and Basketball i would be thinkin about her. Maybe its Sanaa Lathan they do look alike lol.
Im not stressing it, she just popped into my head as i was writing above so i wrote about her, she's a big part of my life.. at least she was
Thats probably why im bloggin right now, as an outlet; maybe blogging is a replacement outlet.
Song is off the chain, i dont usually look to listen to lil waynes shit. Im not mad if its hot and i just happen to be listening to it. He too oversaturated i respect what he doin but he needs to fall back for a minute. This record is tight though, its called the realest and its a commemoration record to the people who has died in his life. The beat is crazy and the lyrics is usually lilwayne when he wants to...great
anyway
i stayed in for the whole weekend...i fucked this girl on friday so i had a reason to stay in. Saturday i got out of work and i tried to find sumthing but i got nothin... i best concentrate on school and getting money. If i didnt have a test on friday i would work on thursday cuz i should be gettin that bread instead of just layin around hopin for something to go down.
My goals
To get a new tattoo
To color in a new one
To graduate with enough money to get a puppy and then some
To get an ipod and do away with my old one
get some new clothes H&M shit'
Like i told Ty im changin my style up, alot less urban wear and more grown and sexy. I shouldnt have told her cuz she gonna eat it up she already told me she goin shoppin with me when i come back with enough money lol. I miss her, I cant let her know cuz she got a big head lol but i do. She already told me she misses me so i let her know that after she said that but i didnt let her know exactly how much i do miss her.
SPEAKING OF GIRLS
OK this girl is doin sumthin to me, Ny just let me know that she has been mad at me for the last two weeks, she let me know cuz supposedly she forgot why. I was like what the fuck why do you keep hiding this shit from me. She's sayin that we not as tite as we used to be becasue we dont talk as much (we text or have words everyday) and that when we do talk we have nothin to say (which is true, but i found out because she was mad at me). Then homegirl acidentally blurted out that this dude was pushin up on her to the point that she thought she was about to get raped that time she went to the club to spite me for goin out! I hate not being told the whole thing. I wasnt mad at her partly because she thought i was gonna be and the other part is because im not gonna get mad at the girl for almost being raped, its not her fault its that niggas fault. I am tite that she been withholding on me tho.
Damn sooner or later im gonna have to make a choice between these two girls. Just not now besides I already know who im gonna pick so its nothin really...
Another FULLLL week of school.. the schedule is getting to me a lil, im not gettin enough sleep...i catch up on the weekends though.
I hate this crib im livin in, its soooo dirty...its not the most fucked up place ive lived in but im a grown man i dont wanna live like this ...lol im prolly spoiled by my crib in philly. I miss my home, my mom ...and my dog that im gonna get lol I cant fuckin wait for my rott its gonna be a crazy winter...
2months and 20 days till i DIPPPPP
Ima keep this as short as possible cuz i got a 'guest' commin over
i dunno why i had her come back, but i needs the pooms so why not besides i set her straight
we just fuck buddies now
I had a hectic week yo
2 tests, buncha homeworks, Workin in a cramped up hot ass pizza store
it wasnt an especially good week but nothin bad either. ummm
one notable thing happened in my acting class. We had to write a story about an instance in your life that changed your outlook of it (life). We had to print 2 copies one with your name on it and another without your name on it. As suspected we were each given a random story and we are told to act as if it was our own. I wrote about how my depression changed my outlook on life.
On thursday some gay dude from class read my story. He didnt know it was mine but as soon as he said the first two lines i knew that he was doin my story. Homeboy plucked some girl from the class had her sit next to him like he was confessing something to her.
LOL
homeboy even wore a black hat and a black hoodie like i usually do
As he read it i felt maaaaad wierd i was lookin around to see if anyone was lookin at If not that i would look around to gauge everyones reaction to the story he was telling. He did his thing though i give him props he did my story justice lol. When he finished acting out my story i saw this one chick look over to my direction, i didnt really care, if anything it was speculation. Damn this one 6 foot shorti in that class i wanna fuck her sooo badd. She got a baaawwdy lol. Hopefully we gets a luv scene shiet ima prolly kiss her foreal lol
I feel like im in grade school in that class. You HAVE to express yourself in that class, theres no holding back or else you gonna feel wierd. I feel like the class clown again even though there are enough of em in there already.
Best class ive taken ever.... and its only week 2 (missed a week cuz it was closed)
now for the freakfest thats about to take placce
this chick better not show up here with a stank pussy like last time, or else my jawn is gonna die on her again lol
Im startin to think that somethins wrong wit me..(yes something new)
I feel like my mask is fallin apart
Random people on the street would tell me to smile, people think im miserable and yes that may be somewhat true but i dont want to show it. I guess i can't help but walk around with a frown, This week has been a bit rough. I havent got much sleep and i got mad work to do.
Today in acting class i actually participated, by choice.
We were supposed to be an A and B couple....
An A person is a dominant, sorta confident male manifested in physical cues...planted feet, good posture, pronounced voice
A B person is the opposite a meek person who cant keep eye contact, fidgety, making him/herself small, low voice
Although i think i am a mixture of the two i felt like a B after the exersize though
me and this girl were acting like we were on a date, I was the A person, She was the B person.. I dont know if it was because its my first time acting, ever, in front of an audience lol; but i fucked up.. My voice was low and myh feet werent planted and i didnt have good posture. I needed coaching to be an A person lol.... It bugged me a lil but i got over it the second and third time i went up i killed it, i had people givin me props. It should be smooth sailing from here. I think this class will be beneficial to me in a way thats more than acting. lol who knows i may even return to being the total class clown i was in grade school.
Work was FUCKING ANNOYING today. Not only did i have to do everything but the manager is treatin me like a bitch or sum shit. Every muhfucka in there got their break before me and i came into work earlier than most of em. Whenever i would ask for my break she would always have something to say to the point that i feel she was trying to style on me (lol). She would put me on the ovens everyday and everytime i step away to get a breather she has something to say.....maybe im being touchy but i dont like this bitch fo real...ever since she called me a liar twice (second time i let her know) I knew i wouldnt like her at alll. I'm defenitely gonna look for another job soon as i get these tests out of the way; either that or ask for a transfet to another unit...just not zepps or wendys or the kitchen lol...Mall here i come...Until then this bitch is still my boss and I'll do as she says but other than that im not having words with her. She says something other than an order its goin one ear out the other.
Lemme get to work
Ive always wanted a Dog or at least a fuckin pet. Now that a nigga is somewhat in an environment where a dog is acceptable im finna start a Rottweiler fund. I used to be scared of dogs. There was this black lab that would always stare and bark at me whenever i was around. I was a lil youngin in the bronx going in and out of the lobby and there he was with that old redheaded bitch lol. Anyway growing up i was shook everytime i seen a dog. Three years ago dogs became acceptable to me. They were everywhere around the college ghetto. Chances are that if you were going into watever house he/she was gonna have a Dog of some sort, Most likely a pitbull.
I finally socialized with dogs because there was no wa imna show people im scared of anything. Doing that i beat my fear of canines. Couple years ago i wouldnt even dream about having a rottwieler..them muthafuckers are HUGE. If exersized right them mofos will have muscles out the ass. My ex roomate had his boy comeover with this huge jawn of a rottweiler named Marley (most likely after Bob). That thing automatically ran the crib. Rotts have a presence about them. They stand for somethin symbollically. If one would see one roaming the street alone chances are that whoever that is will try to avoid it. They appeal to me, its like having a lion for a pet. Ima train it OD though theres no way i can leave such an animal with my moms or grandmother untrained. I wouldnt know where to start but thats what the internet is for yeah.
Ohh yeah Marley Story:
everyone was chillin in our apartment living room including the dog at its masters feet. Layin around eyes locked on to anyone that was talkin. It looked at me and I looked back into its eyes. This went on (on and off) for about 10 minutes. He wouldnt take his eyes off of me. I look at him again and it stood up suddenly, as if it can see into me or sumshit. I was shook as fuck because he is right there. Then it started growling in a low ass gruff as if its warning me or someshit. I stayed there because if i moved chances are it will attack me lol. I was ready to take it tho, i thought it was inevitable at that point lol. It starts barking and his owner grabs him by the leash and shit, saving my black ass. The think must have felt my aura...im not exactly a ray of sunshine lol
I was about to get a ferret but i heard that they are too high maintenance and they like to steal shit lol
yeah im deleting what went on that last night...i know that this is a blog only for my eyes but still, somethings should never be written down
Any way i found out i have a Human Sexuality test on friday, Im gonna start tonight after work. Copying notes n shit, Im gonna have to study all week since im working the next two days (im workin today too). This will mark the time where im gonna actually have to work. I have to be very serious about this because i want the prestige ofleaving college above a 3.0 i got a (2.8). Fall semester aint usually much trouble, everything is spread apart fairly. ummm i decided to leave tha comment Ny sent me in the pending box, pending me finding an excuse that its not on my wall... ima probably get a layout without a comment box in a couple of days, i know Pyzam.com does that shit.
I just gotta give it a few days...
Homegirl Malikka is doin her thing, she got everything figured out. Sometimes i wish that i had chose a better major. I thought soc was interesting when i first started college but being around it made me think different. I want to go into urban planning and that need grad school. Being that im graduating in december should i wait until i leave school to make moves toward grad school. I think i should because i dont wanna be studying for no GRE's while i got 6 classes and a job to balance. Ima portion that jawn separately so that i can concentrate on doing em at my fullest concentration.
I dunno why but i feel down...
lol homegirl told me i write wierd status messages on facebook lol. I wonder if everyone else thinks so. Its watever they know im not that crazy, much soo..
This is Janelle Monae
Cute aint she, sorta reminds me of Kendra, she mad small. Anyway i got her album awhile ago and i stumbled (shuffle) into one of her songs and i was amazed at the pipe she has. She can sing and she's not like all them other Beyonce clones. Her album: Metropolis-Suite I: The Chase is short but its tight she is a mix of old school yet shes out there. The beats are tight and she complements them beautifully. Homegirl got a new fan lol
Imeem Many Moons; you won't regret it...
Well anyway im off to my lame ass job
Ima pray that i have the strength to keep this up
danm my hands still smell like pussy
I was thinking on the ride home with FWB that girls are at a serious disadvantage when dealin with us. Probably me specifically. Im not gettin conceited but im just sayin. Dudes just go in a certain way depending on the female and in their mind they can be thinkin eff this girl but act so nicely and genuine and the girl is none the wiser. All we want is to fuck and doing what i did to that girl last semester and this chick now. I feel that we were both playin football n shit but i was on steroids. I had the upper hand it wasnt even an upper hand. I was not feeling shorty from the jump i even swore off that blackplanet myspace shit cuz of what went on tonite, these bitches coulda been on some KKK shit and i wouldnt be standin here. Thank god im ok buut because he did that im able to break some girls heart. Maybe its not that deep yet tho cuz after all i didnt fuck her so who knows.
I mean its not like girls aint got jack over us. They got us by the balls in all honesty. But certain men dont like every girl that happens to walk by (race,size...watever). There are ones that we just want because they like us so we might as well get in the draws. Men incite emotion, women display that emotion men act accordingly. Its like one is playin with their cards face down while the other party is playing face up. Thats what i did tonight, i took a girls emotions and turned it against her and cashed in. She entrusted me with a certain level of trust and i played on it. I knew where she was at, i twisted it and made her do whatever i want. She waited there as i did my thing and when it was time I came in her mouth, all because she liked how nice i was, how im not like other guys, how sweet i was. Everytime a girl like that tells me how sweet i am and how im not like other guys im like "shiet you don't know nothing sweetheart". I am a wolf in sheep's clothing. I show girls who i am but i plot on em every time and im tired of it.
Im tired of fuckin with these vulnerable less than pretty girls. I mean i know its heartless and this is probably the most disgusting thing i ever wrote but i dont give a fuck, I told you i was cold. Here i am and they talking about this nigga and that dude...exes and fucktards and im pretending to care for em like I was interested in them. They label me so nice but i really aint. As soon as FWB swallowed some kids i was like, how am i gonna get her outta here. I have an idea of what love may be. Ive never been in love before so i dont know what it feels like. To go from not trying to trying with intent thats good to straight up being a dog to bitches who are less than i want. I know that Love may be: when you try to not do that shit. When you dont try as hard to get in them draws. When her company is enough. When you just want to be in her presence and sex is almost an after thought. I hope someone tells me im right cuz if i aint than this life just got more shittier.
I feel nothing
In other news this chick wrote on my myspace wall, well not exactly its sitting in the pending box awaiting confirmation. In this message she says she thinks about me alot and how she got mad love for me. My first thought was not "aww how nice" or even "damn this one wants me OD" but got damn what would Tie think.
(realization)
wow, shits the truth too i was like if Tie sees this she gonna leave me alone and i dont want that. Ive been buggin ever since i saw that message and its been fuckin me up. I cant not show it then this girl will be like: "what the fuck what u embarrased of me? who u hidin the message from?" then ima have to out myself or tell her somthin else and i dont wanna get that deep at ALLLL. My life just got a lil bit complicated. I gotta dodge FWB then figure this out?! smh
Its crazy how i still hold her in that regard though, I want her and sex is almost an after thought with her, even tho she got goldigga tendencies i can work her through that. Im still feelin her tho but thats besides the point!!!! madda fact i should delete that last paragraph!!!
Ny.... i dunno what to do with her ( cuz i like her too but she has a bit of baggage)...the future aint lookin too bright i can feel it...
I need to talk to my Moms yo...i need somebody
damn
yo
(shakes head)
I had me a day, and i was supposed to rest too...
(looks at myspace)
fuck!!! life just got a bit more complicated
umm iite first story
This girl hit me up on black planet and although i shoulda deaded her then i didnt cuz i was bored and she sorta looked aight (pic was from a couple years ago).
Deleted the rest; ima keep the rest in my cap
Woman was taken out of man; not out of his head to top him, nor out of his feet to be trampled by him; but out of his side to be equal to him, under his arm to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved."'
oh yrsh
thought of a sick idea for something lol
A man whos father killed his mother. goes searching for the stepfather who killed his mother. As he avoids him this man procedes to kill all seven of his stepsisters. Beckoning loudly for his father to stand before him and face him so that he can take his revenge.-DONALD VIGNE
Sick shit huh, this will def be some chinese movie like "Oldboy". That movie is OD crazy so only a person who can get down with that can help pruduce, direct ...and buy lol
who knows maybe i can make a script out of it...but i havent even wrote a 10 page paper yet...much less a 600 word jawn ....we'll see.
Speaking of pigs
something has been buggin me a lil
Its a new semester and i saw this girl that really was feeling me. Last semester she would occasionally do some outlandish shit to get my attention and it worked sorta (big ass titties but big ass stomach also). Wounded up playing pool with her one night at alumni quad. We werent there alone there was a bunch of us. Ever since then she was vying to get my attention and i wouldnt give it to her, lol even tho them titties was callin me, i didnt really fuck with her. Until she facebook IMed me like around 4am. We got into a conversation and it started to head south. She talkin about suckin my dick if i'd eat her out. I was drunk so i was like fine (no way ida done that but i said it to get her movin) come through. I had to meet her halfway so i did and we forward to my crib. She comes in and goes in the living room. I was like ?? and went into my room. She said the living room was a mess so she followed me in. I close the door and we sit on my bed and started to talk, she starts askin me all types of questions. She even told me about the shit she done heard about me (most likely from one source: her friend). Eventually we lay in the bed and i proceeded to make moves, she wasnt having it. Thats what she said but the way she said it led me to believe she was playin. She was acting coy about it so i pushed more went in to kiss her a couple of times. I even pulled her titties out started suckin on em, nothing. Ive just been fronted on cuz she said she wasnt suckin my dick. She said all we've discussed was her gettin her pussy ate. long story short I kicked her out at like 6AM in the morning. No way was this waking up with me and we aint do nothin. I was just like you cant stay here...I said it as calm as a hindu cow. She left and i felt bad watchin her go down so i offered to walk her home but she refused.
I saw her today and although we resloved the issue i still feel bad about doing that to her. That instance has shown me how far ive come from what i was. I was a good natured, nice guy growing up. The old me woulda let her stay just for wanting to spend time with me, but the new me didnt even want that. I got colder...
I knew it was wrong but i did it anyway, young jawn coulda got robbed raped or kidnapped n shit and i woulda been the nigga whos last seen her. OK, that is a bit much but im just saying that i regretted doing her like that. Especially the way it went down, it prolly was a major L for her but i didnt care, why should I? I dunno i just know that in the past it probably wouldnt have gone down the way it did and its become apparent on how far ive come attitude wise thats all.
She's cool about it, homegirl still playful with me but, i feel that it just reinforces her friends belief about me. Her friend i got up with last fall semester. I didnt do her wrong but i think she resents me because she cheated on her boyfriend with me. If you call makin out with a nigga while drunk cheating( i do to). We were dancing well, dubbing and i pushed the envelope a little and started makin out with her, danced sommore until we moved to the "chair of life" (lol). Then i proceed to make out with her somemore. eventually i started grippin in between her thighs. I started to go under her shirt and under them jeans (in front of everybody lol but they were dancing n shit) but she drew the line and i obliged after a couple more attempts. I asked her to come back with me but she wasnt havin it and i was cool. I saw her again (both our crews chilled again) and she was akward about it, makin me akward about it and i kinda got the feeling she resented me about the whole thing. Understandably so but its not like i knew she had a boyfriend. I didnt stress it even now i try not to see her when i see her lol. I try to be nice tho, no over extension. Its watever but watever resentment she had for me then probably increased due to the fact i did what i did to her friend...oh well
it is what it is...
Yess my hell week is over...
ive been walkin around class to class, home to school...
with out any mp3 player..no music...i might as well be muted
IM SOO EXCITED ABOUT HAVIN MY CHARGER BACK ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY.
I dont really know much people in albany anymore and im not really od interested in knowing other people soo walkin around without music was terrible.
Ive gotten like 5 mixtapes and 3 albums since i left philly and i havent heard a lick of em yet. My shits on charge right now so that will change very soon.
G's in the hospital and if i find out her pops is behind this i dunno what im gonna do. G is one of my "friends" over here in philly and she opened up to me immidiately. She's notexactly of age so
(tsalkin to her)
(im on the phone wit her now)
!!!
(ohh shitt im in trouble)
(hangs up)
Shit im in trouble yo, maybe im safer in albany lol. ummm i dunno how to deal with this without having to break someones heart. (im swearing off youngins after these two)
butt during my time in Philly ive met a few ladies and among the ones that like me ( ;-) pops collar). I know for certain that two of these girls wanna hubb me up. It just became two like about 3 minutes ago. Now the first one "Ny" i started diggin her cuz she got the body. But after i told her about myself and got into a few heart to heart deep convos with her she started to OD feel me. I mean she was open from the jump like "you are the type of guy i need", "you are my ideal fella" at first i was shocked because usually for such a reaction to occur i think a few months has to go by, maybe days...but what do i know ive never been OD wrapped up in somebody else. Eventually i started liking her the same way but with reservation because shiet i never seen the girl before. So with her half the time im acting the other i find myself sayin shit i mean.
This other girl, my white philllie ever since she saw me she started feeling me. I was my charmin ass self. The more interest she gave the more i gave (thats how i do it, if one is neutral towards me ima do the same thing). The problem is again is that she is underage i had her in her room talkin, watchin tv even takin pics...we were OD vibing;but i couldnt touch her at least not in the ways i wanted to. The looks her white pops gave me (or didnt give me) made me cautious around her house. Her mom seemed cool though ( yes i met her parents). I didnt want to catch a charge so i didnt put hands on her in places that i wanted to touch. We made out by the busstop though. well i just finished talkin to her about 20 minutes ago and she is also sprung offa me. She knew that i was concerned about the age, not enough to stop advancing but enough to keep it in mind. I say this because I called her (she was in the hospital cuz her friends old ass dick in a glass punched her in the gut, fuck i hate it when guys hit girls!!!!) and after I saw how she was she brought up her birthday. She was turning 18 or "legal" as she put it. heres how it went:
G:how old are you again
me:22
G:oh yeah cuz my birthday is coming up
me:oh word
G:yeah, guess how old i'll be
me:hmm iunno cuz when i first met you you switched up on me
G:you serious!?!?
me:mmm 18
G:you serious Don (laughs) yeah 18
G:yess ima be legal
G:so we can be together
G:you can be my boo
Me:uh....yeahh
G: im dead serious
G: we can be together, forever!
Me: yeahh (nervously)
G: we can have kids
G:and get a big house
Me: yeahhh( same tone)
Me: you serious?!?
G: Im dead serious Don
G: well ima go lay down
me: iite
G: ima call you tonite, love you Don
me: !! uhh okkk, u gon call me later? iite
Why the fuck i kept saying yeah? you had to be there lol
Im gonna have a choice to make or i can fuck both of them and do nothing ?!?!? that works also
so 3 choices.. no there is no leave them both alone because that leaves my dick dryer than the sahara.. Im such a pig yo...
Speaking of that ... i have something else to write
Jealousy
Yeah jealousy reared its head from both sides this weekend. "Ny" got jealous well her actions were a product of jealousy but she got bent over the fact that i went to a bar on saturday. She called me earlier in this other firl were goin around drinkin up a storm (til she started wanting coke). She called me and i told her wats good, straight up. "Ive been drinking and im with so and so" (drunk moment) and this happened. Then she stops me and was like oh you were with a girl huh...
My honest ass just told her cuz its not like anything happened for me to have to hide sumthin, shiet i wanted something to happen but coke got in the way (excuses, excuses).
Any way i tell ol girl i was goin to the bar again and she was like... i thought we werent doin this again...(we had a heart to heart when i came back, drunk as a muthafucka, left her Ouvrir!!!! lol)
Soon as she said that i was like ???? " I didnt say i wasnt gonna drink again!!?!" She was like oh ok iwith her attitude up n shit. I was like you mad? and of course she said no because you're gonna do what you're gonna do right? you don't care about what i gotta say. I didn't say shiiiit after that because im the type to see a dumb argument comming and to dead it right there. Besides i didnt even know what to say because I AM going to do what im going to do while im out here and single...sorta.
I texted her while i was over there and she was like call me tommorow. I was like ?? cuz we usually talk late at nites n shit. She wouldnt even tell me the reason, she just said it even after i said why. I call her the next day and she was visibly tite by the sound of her voice, lol she even told me the reason why she asked me not to call her the nite before. She even went to a bar her damn self!! As soon as she said this i knew it was for spite and i knew she was od insecure about me being out here. I 'm mad she's all childish about it even tho i give her the chance to voice watever is bothering her she still chooses to go through the motions.
So i talk to shorti today and I asked her about the bar after some small talk and silent moments. Come to find out she actually went (maybe... she tells me..) and she tells me that dudes were feeling up on her booty n shit and she told me that some mothafucka even tried to take her home. I was like ?? huh part of me was like nah she trying to get me to react, but by then it was too late, i kept thinkin about it. Then jealousy reared its head from me. Its a cycle, then she says "if you want me to not go anymore i wont" . Me being the smart guy held off on saying such a thing becasue then she will feel ok sayin that to me and that is not a promis im trying to make. At least not until i get them draws first. Part of me was tryin to be strategic while the other wants to get emotional and be like no dont go to clubs anymore.
Yes i do like this girl, more than usual...but its just some in the moment stuff, or maybe not. She got me callinn her all types of names n isht lol. So me getting a lil bent about the situation is ok because we feelin each other.
Mind is water
and the drink fucks up the ebb
adding water to an ocean already at capacity
fucking up
thoughts in danger of drowning at sealevel
coagulating droplets
forming thoughts,
fucking up instincts
numbing pain
killing inhibition
storms ensue fuckin up the body of water
rivers run wild out of orfices
storms fogg up the brain
walking sometimes are tidal waves crashing into
watever
then it subsides almost like in a sleeping slumber
in the night
the morning is never beautufil however
(write about the moon)
sexymama395: wats poppin
PHIBKing: nothin ma
PHIBKing: chillin in the dark
PHIBKing: talkin to various folks
sexymama395: oh word so y u didn;t go to the bar?
PHIBKing: too late and im gettin tired
sexymama395: oh y u not sleep
PHIBKing: cuz im not slepy
sexymama395: oh so watcha doin?
PHIBKing: nothin
PHIBKing: really
PHIBKing: just web surfin
sexymama395: oh what u on?
PHIBKing: mozilla n shit
PHIBKing: readin poetry wit my homie from back home
sexymama395: oh u read poerty?
sexymama395: do u write them?
PHIBKing: i write from time to time
PHIBKing: i never read em b4 til now
sexymama395: oh word then spit sum poems to me
PHIBKing: lol when u goin to sleep
sexymama395: when ever i feel like
PHIBKing: iite so lemme finish this session with her then ima get at yu
sexymama395: iight
PHIBKing: wats ya # or do yu want me to type yu the jawn
sexymama395: my # is 585-266-8613
PHIBKing: iite i got yu
*** sexymama395's IC window is closed
