Well I'm not gonna write nothing long I promise I just wanna write some isht down u know get some shitt off my chest.
* I'm hyper as hype as he'll right now. Have u ever had his happen to you? One minute you're normal and the next you are speeeding through everything. You can't sit still, you can't read at a normal pace. You can't wait for this interesting Chimamanda Adichie speech to end but you're so enlightened so you don't dare speed through it ;-) .
Holy shit she is sooo enlightening!
Anyway.
Iunno I'm just on some hyper shit i wanna just gogogo. Music is powerful as fuck. If I wasn't in a mixed/white hood i'd go running right now (it's 4am Dec 2nd).
I wanna know more shit. I can wait to start school again. Imma be so immersed in criminal justice one wouldn't be able to watch the best law annd order shows with me.
There comes a time in my life where I regress in one way or another. If you were with me long enough you've read some of em. Now I regress a little but I tend to find my way back and laying it down in bare words will help.
I've become dependent on people.
Not totally dependent. But making trivial decisions can't go down unless I check with somebody, anybody, anyone I believe has more expertise than I in any given subject that has to do with my decision. Smart? yeaaah but when it comes to a point where u can't make a yeah/naw decision without calling/referring/deferring to someone it's a fucking problem.
While I'm on the subject of shit that's wrong with me at the moment...
I play too many "games"! Well not just the usual games when it comes to relations with the opposite sex its kinda deeper than that. I pride myself on being honest and displaying probity but falsehoods and games leak outta me in other ways now that I think about it. I can say something yet not do it, im not being false in the traditional sense but im not exactly being truthful. Either that or I say one thing knowing that that moment is a moment where i can tell truths but I don't. Like in my head i believe something yet my actions dont follow my beliefs now either i wanna be wit "xyzed" or not. Havin the cake and fuckin it aint me [hmm yess it is].
Or is it?. [it is buddy]
OK but i should be at least a bit more honest about it..
And im too strategic too. When im talkin to someone i try so hard not to be like anyone else I'm not myself (ouch). I try to figure out too much and then Hiding under the veil of games n strategy may come back to bite me in the ass cause it takes away honesty in things.
...oh well... knowing is half the battle and I know this man so im just gonna chill cuz i already did half the work. Now i just gotta hope i reverse some of these trends ...especially the first one.
"To thine own self be true"
In other news:
Yeah two (3) days ago my wrist was killing me like a muthafucka. I thought it was carpal tunnel but that's just cause it was a pain I've never felt before. It's better now though much better. Before i couldn't put my hands together in a prayer formation so now that i can do that with relatively little pain I'm at ease. Neva Eva Eva Eva Eva play three games of bowling and finger a chick for what seems like 30 minutes!
Yeah yeah I coulda switched hands but u know how that go...
Sent from my iPod
Asian persuasion shit
Yo I dunno what it is about this last week but I've been feeening for some Asian pu.. i mean women. Like yeah I've never been with an Asian girl before and that hasn't bothered me at all but i gotta admit im a bit intruiged. I personally only know... Umm wait, (!) I don't know any Asi.. oh wait that chick I've interned with over at the district council. She was mad cute but she wasn't stacking like shorty over here is.
<----Yummy.
I dunno what it is lately about Asian chicks that rev up my libido engine but.. shit... lemme stop lol. Part of it has to do with what makes them themselves. Their features so to speak Sexy eyes, skin color, they jet black hair. honestly I don't think they could take my dick or my sex but that's stereotyping.
:-X
Wow am I wrong for that? lemme take a right turn right quick.
I guess I want just want what i've never had. I'm not totally ignorant though, you don't see too many.... Asian ladies with black men. Mainly that's cause their families would disown them if they did. Now, of course everyone's situation is different and maybe most Asian parents today ain't like that or they would just simply disapprove. Disapprove def sounds like a safer word, less presumptive.
I feel like saying asian is the wrong term. I mean ain't Russia and India in Asia. How come they aren't Asians i just wanna be polycorrect.
Anyway
So maybe the fact that such a social phenomena exist adds to my infatuation with them ladies, weird but I think about that shit. I wonder if my sexual infatuation with Asian women is permanent. Is it? Or will it pass when I do taste that forbidden fruit. Hmm now that I think about it maybe its been in me for longer than i realize. When it comes to my ex the thing that literally caught my ear was her talkin mandarin with this Chinese(?) dude. This was before we had extensive words between each other. I was servin the customers at the on campus sbarros we were workin at and she was at the register there i was handin some fool a spaghetti and meatballs and all of a sudden a full blown Chinese Convo popped off between this black chick and a Chinese dude. Safe to say I was on notice immidiately lol. (any reason to talk bout the ex huh smh)
Anyway iunno somehow o think the answer as to why I'm feenin for an Asian chick is somewhere up there. I never checked the Asian section at spankwire before now I'm all up on it! Which further fucks up my head.
Usually I don't even think about things like that. I mean who vies to have sex with a member of every ethicity. Me myself I can't deliberately do that. I go with the flow when it comes to those type of things. I don't go round trying to talk to every woman that walks the street. I do know niggas that have... And they always late.
Wow major realization...maybe the fact that my ex was so rooted in Chinese culture has something to do with it. She's so rooted in their culture that shes currently in China studying abroad for a year. Even the way we fucked reminds me of how asian chix act in them pornos see she was a virgin and .....hmmm lemme stop. I'm just saying i got a good relationship with my subconscious its all about being honest with yaself i guess if you like me then you'd find out all types of shit about yourself as you write. As evidenced by my posts during the summer of 2008.
oh yeah i my jasc painshop pro free trial is done so i cant black and white my pics anymore. :-( there goes that Newspaper effect. not really think of this as the sunday edition of ya friendly neighborhood newspaper... PZ
Its Official!
After years and y
ears of resistance, choosing alternatives and straight up rejecting.
I have now joined the millions {and millions} of ipod heads and got me an IPod Touch. I've wanted something like an Ipod touch for a while now probably ever since the first version came out.
Ive been close to gettin it a couple of times but i wasnt working and the whole Itunes thing confused me, shit it still does. My brother has the original Zune and if he downloads an album on his comp, puts it on his Zune then deletes the song off his computer the next time he plugs his zune into his comp that album is deleted off his Zune. That shit is wack as shit to me. We brought your shit dont fuck with the music we choose to put on our devicce. I hope Itunes is not like that but I definitely would not be suprised. Ive heard many a problem about it so far so i just chose an evil with the most apps i guess. Fuck it.
I wanted a Zune HD. Since ive been holding out on getting an Itouch for a minute in came the zune which came out on the 15th and i was about to get that but its too young. Theres only 7 apps for it now and although i want a new music player i like that the itouch has more features. All they need now is a camera and i'll be tight as fuck if they add it next year. (damn now im subjected to the neverending updates and new i touches every year).
My whole mode has been to go to the left while everybody goes right and to look good and on top while doing it. I've tried that with my last MP3 (creative zen vision M) but it didnt work out, although it is a durable ass piece of work. Ima use it for the gym from now on. This will be the most notable conformation ive made since ...well since joining myspace... i think lol whatever im pretty sure it will be tight though so im not complaining, yet.
Any way... in other news...
Lynwood Rose- Raphael Saadiq, Qtip & D'angelo.
I havent listened to it yet since my wireless is currently ass cheeks but 2/3 of the artists ive listed above are known for putting in work so ima give that a nice listen and hopefully i agree with it.
Pz
"Shy men and ugly women have the hardest time of all in this world."
I saw this as a status message on one of my associates and I have to admit when i seen it it was under a different light than all the other statuses
A closed mouth don't get fed Famous saying...and God help you if you are an ugly girl, 'course too pretty is also your doom, 'cause everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room. -Ani Difranco
Back to the lecture at hand...
Each person has a hard time socially cuz of the expectations of the opposing gender. Women want a confident, alpha male cat and if you don't fit the bill then your social life is ass. And for the most part, women, if you ugly then your chances of having a hard time when it comes to males is great.
A shy man is worse than an ugly man??..... i dont get it but history has shown that it applies to the real world... Women love confidence, having money doesnt hurt either [having money helps boost confidence] (Dennis Rodman, Forrest Whitaker, Jay-z LoL). Ive been in both sides of this spectrum. Madda fact its one of the changes Ive made in my life time. At some point in life i realized that one whos mouth is shut evokes nothing not jealousy, nor lust, nor anger...just indifference and if your so enveloped by the cloud that is indifference no one is gonna see you [specially not the chick you feeling].
So one day i started letting more out i think it was 2-3 years ago so its been recent. I still keep my tact and my manners cuz i still got sense but using words hasn't been an issue. I was a shy child and a shy teenager i was a boy of few words and in general that's all well and good. But i didn't speak on what mattered that's when having my mouth shut hurt. Life was insipid and filled with lament and regret. So at a certain point changing that part of my life became necessary and I'm glad i did.
Strength doesn't lie in being stubborn...shiet a butterfly became fly by changing...
being adaptable shows strength too, s0 even though sometimes when it seems like you've been dealt a bad hand whether it be through demeanor or physical qualities there's always a way past the barriers laid out before you not to be corny or nothin but the bulldozer lies within ( that def was corny)
Now fuck off
LoL this show "Moral Orel" is a got damn trip!!
Yeah lately I've noticed lately that I don't look at white girls the same anymore. I wasn't the OD bunny chaser but when i see one that looks good I'd at least acknowledge it and act accordingly in some cases. Nowadays I don't find em as attractive anymore. I guess every black man has to have a set amount of white girls under his belt in his lifetime (if one so inclines). I guess Sabrina was my last. She didn't exactly help i mean i don't mean to be mean but she wasn't exactly all that [ although she begs to differ hah!]
Overall I'd say my experiences with em was less than satisfactory, its okay though because it was good at the time so I don't regret it. I don't even check for the white pornos anymore and Britney Spears doesn't move me at all. I guess they have been disqualified from my libido. My black queens have always come first...oohhh wait well I was infatuated with the Spanish ladies but like i said college ruined that for me. Hmm I might as well elaborate since i didn't do that before. In college the Spanish chicks were basically uppity. Their ethnocentrism (belief that their race was better than the rest) was too much for me to tolerate. Shiet i almost came to blows with some spanish mothafucka cuz i was talkin to a spanish broad [handcuffin SMH]. I shouldn't cast a net on the whole race OH WOW I forgot about Surriel; yeah i defenitely take that back Spanish girls can get it. Some are mad cool which leaves them unimpeded to my heart....and libido. I miss Surriel
Anyway
If ima go and get in a serious relationship its def gonna be with a Asi...i mean Black chick lol [ nahh for real my Nubian queen whos level of beauty is only matched by their drive, of course Im lookin for you, indirectly....and slowly ummm...
...yeah
Night
10 things I wish I could say to 10 people right now.
1. Fuck you, you are overrated
2. what the fuck is good my g??
3. I miss you, since my sophomore year oh high school we been tight; i understand though and I'm iite without you..
4. next time i see you i'm gonna be on you like a rug on a floor girl!!!
5. Even though i don't show it i do miss you.
6. I was scared, it was too much for me and although i shouldn't have pushed you away, you weren't good for me anyway
7. Sorry, i would have been the only black dude and it would be uncomfortable for me
8. Wheres my reccomendation, salope!!!
9. Hire me muhhfucka!!
10. I am what you're looking for, real talk!
9 things about me
1. music is everything
2. I'm very indecisive.
3. Since i graduated i went from apathy to worrysome in two months
4. Im madd smart and i hope the right people recognize it, everyone else does
5. I play the piano and im learnin to play the guitar
6. Ive always wanted to live in a BK brownstone (prolly not gonna happen since they changing downtown bk in 2010)
7. I luv house parties
8. I'm lost right now.
9. I love sex
8 ways to win my friendship
1. Be interesting
2. dont be too negative
3. similar interests help
4. has to have vices
5. Love music
6. outgoing
7. Gots to get into adventures
8. tell me the truth no matter what.
7 things that cross my mind
1. My future
2. I want new new shit
3. The Summer
4. The GREs
5. I wonder how spain really is?
6. when am i gonna drive
7. I need to head back to BK for a weekend
6 things I do before I go to bed
1. Brush my teeth
2. watch the latest sportscenter
3. fuck around on the computer
4. close the TV
5. put away the glasses
6. beat off
5 people who mean a lot to me
1. Mom
2. Brother
3. Grandma
4. Aunt
5. Youry
4 things I am wearing now
1. V neck
2. Grey Sweats
3. socks.
4. glasses
3 songs i listen to often
1. The Lox
2.Summertime- Mos Def
3. heaven at nite- Kid Cudi
2 things I want to do before I die
1. See the world
2. be successful
1 confession
I need a mentor or some shit cuz im lost...
iunno what it is about today but ima be really negative for a minute so bear with me..
*pause*
all my life ive coasted
i went through life gliding not makin noise
i stay in the gray area and no one notices. Trust it has its advantages because you never have to deal with drama, beefs and bullshit. Me? i envy one with these problems. those are good problems to me. i haven't dodged these things they just never seem to happen to me. In reality I HAVE NO ENEMIES. I'm not saying that no one fucks with me because i am who i am (quiet nigga with sometimes bad intentions). No one fucks with me because they have no reason to. Im thankful i never had to hide behind any walls when walkin down the street but i want to affect people. I dont want to inspire i dont want to influence i want to be recognized. Sometimes i feel that i'd rather be hated than live like a ghost. im not talking "hated on" since that shit is also going around (previous post "Swag"). Haters will never be a problem i have an out of sight out of mind thing. I want to be hated...and loved. i just want to make people feel something for me. I never thought i'd type this shit but here it is. I think thats why ive had an attitude this year although its brought me in contact with people who would never know me other wize. Although i have a "gray" personality ive always needed extremes around me. Dark and Light, Hate and Love..its certain and raw; my personality comes out around loud ass muthafuckas. its like they bump me out of the gray area when they around and i get buck. There aint much people like that i need to learn to do that shit myself.
Being in the gray area has its advantages but its most dire disadvantage is that the perception of you is also gray - Me ( i promise)
I want to be felt. i guess thats why im trying to wife any girl that comes my way; except the obvious hoes who i rarely go after because
- I'm OD afraid of any deabilitating thing happening to my dick (castration, AIDS, HIV)
- they usually dont do much for me but get my dick hard, i need more soul than that...always have
Emotional worth, aint no low cost when it comes to this. if we talkin ends of the love hate spectum, if you on the low end of the spectrum you might as well be on the same position on the other side...the amount of emotional worth you get is the same but it may be a different emotion. the worse off you can be is in the middle. other than my family, rite now i feel like in most peoples eyes im in the gray.
its whatever, it is what it is though
MY TRiBal Eye...
This is a picture of my first tattoo...
when people would ask me whats it of i would tell them to guess lol. its usually my way of gauging my creativity. makes them look harder at it and they see...an eye
i plan on getting it colored in but not before i get my next tattoo
anyway another question people would ask is: "why did u get that?" or "what does it represent?" they would ask these inquiring questions and depending on who you are to me i would either tell you what it represents or not. i wouldnt tell a person either cuz i dont trust them to grasp their minds around it or i dont think its worth telling. so i only tell the folks im close to, my mother didnt even know for about a year and she would understand the most cuz she was close to my situation which led me to get this tattoo. if you do see this then i either consider you close or you are someone i dont know (doesnt matter)
this tattoo is a commemoration of me going through depression.
now for you who dont understand either cuz u dont think black folks cant get depression or you just ignit to the idea of mental defects. depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain which affects more than your temperment. the things you would usually like you dont feel like doing, your sleep patterns are messed up. and you become numb to every emotion except sadness, u get that emotion 100 fold. in the day you become almost catatonic somewhat like a ghost of your former self because you arent totally numb, you think of every stressfull, negative thing in your life over and over and instead of moving forward you can do nothing but dwell. so the people surrounding you see you as almost lifeless; and that was the case with me, cumulatively i was under for about 2 and a half weeks not counting when i started therapy. although i knew what was wrong with me i didnt have the heart to do anything about it, how could I i was the one suffering, in order for superman to win his battle with kryptonite a third party had to come through and take the kryptonite away am i rite?? for me that third party was my mother. my mother comes home (at that time) around 5pm and everytime i was on the couch (the area in every house that no one could sit in lol) and id lie down staring at the t.v. she told me that sometimes it didnt look like i was watching. a couple days after she told me that she was gonna take me to talk to someone. normally id be like fuck no but i knew something inside me wasnt rite. we've all lived our lives in a predominatley OK, Copastetic state. if we are happy/sad it takes us out this state but its nothin to be alarmed about because we've been through all the shock value that leaving "OK" brings when we were little. i think thats why we alway cry as kids cuz the initial shock of being away from our "OK" state is too much to take. so back to the original story; i was soo far paast OK that it was notable even to myself. so i go to therapy and we talk, i talk about all my problems n shit which include a slew of family sicknesses, prom graduation (below avg grades with a wish to go away for college), my future and all. it helped a little until we go into some deep rooted shit, i could go into this but i'll just give you the short version...it was concluded that i had a problem in which i put other peoples problems ahead of my own. i constantly "held the cross" for everyone. whether it be withholding words so that someone had their way, sparing feelings too much, doing myself what others should do for themselves and it brought me down. i've went on a crusade so long making myself a tool for everyones happiness that i forgot about my own happiness... its like i felt i was a spectator in this world when i wasnt. I had problems and wants and they'd be in the backburner for...whoever. it had its affect and the conclusion was depression..at the end of that session she gave me the simplest quote that ive ever took to heart....
- "Do What Makes You Happy"
aint that a bitch five words any five year old can come up with and it became the key to regulating me...lol
as soon as she said those words a smile crept into my face, its like she said something that ive known all along but i couldnt find the words to say it.. I took them five mothafuckin words and i lived by it but it wasnt enough. the bitch therapist started to delve deeper into me like i was the joker or sum shit (The Dark Knight this Friday!! Holla!!) we started talking about my relationship with whoever. then we went on to my father lol. she kept assuming that my situation is part of the reason that i was the way i was. she kept asking about dude. i and i kept telling her that it wasnt an issue..thats when i decided i wasnt going back to therapy.
i wasnt as bad as i was when i first started out but i wasnt back to normal either thats when i came across heavy metal. the aggression in that music helped me. instead of being sad about shit i started to become angry. i remember workin out in a pace of a mad man, mean muggin all the way. although i was angry at shit i didnt intend to take it out on anyone, as long as i wasnt sad anymore i was good. i'd just take it out on the bike or the weights. one day i was OD goin in and my brother called me and my dumb ass snapped at him OD. he took it bad cuz i was an idiot thats when i knew that anger wasnt the answer and i just calmed down....back to OK mode..
So that Tattoo above is an eye with a tear coming out of it. the red outlining the pupil represents the anger i used to beat the depression...and there you have it
P.S. how did i "calm down"??? a lot of comedies lol jackass, Viva la bam....dumb shit.. hey it worked rite, u seen me lately?!?!
Later...
