COGNI.VOL...

"youre never happy"
"everytime someone gets close to you its like you don't give a damn"


From 500 miles away my mother told me this.

SHe came with this outta left field but who knows why anyone brings anything up anymore. Its just one thread crossing another in the quilt of life.

She said she talked to my brother and he still concerned that he isnt as close to me as he would like; he confessed this to my mom according to my mother. She said she's failed as a Mom; she said shes tried to get close to me and close to my brother but she's disappointed in herself for not bringin me and my brother more together. Reginald told her about the times in IHM where it would seem like im pushing him away. Not talkin to him in public, whenever he'd wait for me afterschoool id beckon him to go home Im a bad brother...
for a lil nigga to grow up without a father i should have been the next best thing and i wasnt. I used the excuse that i was a miserable child and although that may be true to a degree. I shoulda been there for him. I look at him now and i wish i saw the lil kid he used to be. He was soo alive runnin around gettin into shit. Cursing out lil youngins (girls and boys alike). He was so stubborn no one could tell him nothin and i admired that about him.
Now he looks so defeated, he stays in one room for the better part of the day, doesnt go out. He's become a polar opposite of what he was supposed to be. Am i to blame?? I feel like in some ways i Am, i ruined his life. Mom says that its too late to come together because im gonna be doing my own thing officially soon and we're gonna grow even more apart. SHe even said that im like this with my two cousins too. Lil 12 year old kid Youry looks up to me and sees gold and i push him away also, not completely though i dont think but for a while i cant say i havent tried. Lil cousin ramath everytime he comes through for the summer we wind up gettin further and further apart...not just from me but from my brother now too.

I dont know what to do... I dont even know why... i didnt want to ruin the boy i didnt even think it was possible. I guess i underestimated my influence. I dont know what to do...




I feel like shit right now
is that why i havent been in a long lasting relationship
no matter how hard i try to figure life out i still wind up feeling like ive missed something and while ive been thinkin i found out later that i should have been doing.

I could go deep inside myself to find an answer but i dont think i want to, it could be too painful to write...
(pause)
ok
lemme just write

the reason...fuck there is never o good reason for sumthin like this....
The way i am; I was a fucked up person i know. there were times where i didnt hold my family to such high regard. They were simple, constantly bickering and controlling. I didnt like to be controlled so i resented them to the point where i did not like some of them. My brother didnt deserve all the shit i put him through though. Whatever it is that i did it wasnt for him. I dont love him to be honest with you but maybe i do why else am i tearing up right now. Growing up i never got familial love. not that ive never recieved it, i never understood it. To grow up with a father you didnt like and a mom who was always tryin to work and struggle and toil for bank you tend to miss a few things. I love my mom though i think, how do i know if i love her! Thats the problem i dont know... everytime i write the word i pause for a couple of seconds to self debate if i actually do or not. If this is the case do i actually love my family, can i love anyone?? I hold my mom in high regard so when she says things like the shit listed above i take it seriously. I think im fucked up man...and i had no clue to what extent!

(hours later)

Or maybe everyone needs to lighten up and not focus on me as much...what makes me so special yo. Any other person may move on and find him, why is he stuck on it still. I had my own problems to deal with and i still do. He needs to wake up smell the shit. Yeah i feel sorry for him and yea i may be half maybe even more than half responsible but he should take me for what/who I am. I never was a role model i didnt think i was worth lookin up to. I actively seeked to push everyone away.

Ive learned at this instance the fact that everything in ones life is connected in one way or another...i wonder what connected me to my old self.



(minutes later)

i was angry... thats what it was. I was tooo angry and too young to contest it so i would take it out on whoever. Mostly my family and friends. Almost all my fights were with someone i know or someone with the same blood. Every sibling ive ever had except kristie has been hurt physically by me at one point. At least once pretty bad with each sibling. Im not gonna get into details though. Mostly my fights have been with friends too. I didnt like being wronged so if they did do me wrong id fight them. I wasnt the bully type no not at all. All defensive shits either i was wronged or I felt like i was wronged and it usually ends up in a fight. Ever since 8th grade ive changed my ways though. I havent fought since, i became low key and some what a pacifist. I do sometimes think about fighting though. I dont get angry as much and if i do i used to try not to show it. I heard that im gonna explode one of these days but i don't think so; or maybe i want to explode, seee what happens.

My mom also started talkin about any potential kids i might have. She doesnt want me to treat them like i do my brother or any of my siblings. I dont think im going to, shiet i dont want to treat them this way and hopefully i wont. Although i dont know what love is (implied [familial] or acquired [relationship]) i hope to know it when i see it and act accordingly whatever that is. Just by me saying "act accordingly" is sayin that something is up...

im done analyzing myself...