COGNI.VOL...

I'm watchin "From G's To Gents" right now. This week they are talking about chivalry.
Chivalry is defined as courteous behavior from men directed at women. Chivalrous deeds may be opening a door for a lady, pulling her chair out...shit like that, lol. The general attitude towards the term is that the term is dead. The general idea is that the term is dead and that Men have turned their back on treating females that way.
I don't think that's the case. Right now the males just screen or filter out the chicks that deserve chivalrous action from the chicks that down. We treat people how we do but when we se someone "special" we tend to not act like ourselves. We get a bit nicer and depending on what vibes one gives off we will respect her that more thus giving off a more chivalrous aura. Ima tell you: alotta dudes out here do not want to get played. We dodge that shit more than we try to dodge the virus. Especially when in certain situations like when we in front of people, our boys, other girls and whatnot. I know i don't like getting played. I don't really get played overtly just in lil ways, which are annoying and leaves me like ???. I thought closure was a chick thing, i know i appreciate it. Anyway we don't like gettin played so we wont extend the chivalrous branch to every girl we see. Besides girls don't even like that shit. An overtly chivalrous dude is played for a fool time and time again. lol I remember when i was little. I was such a nice young boy. I was quiet, laid back and nice. Teachers liked me old folks liked me. I would go out of my way to help anyone. I would open the door for people when they would walk into the building. I would usually be outside playing then if i see someone walking to the door id open it for em especially if it was a lady. It was at the point where i was playing doorman, lol. Well as i kept doing this i noticed people werent saying thank you anymore and i stopped doing it.
Generally as a kid i was innocent yet people showed me that being the innocent lil tyke who says please and thank you, opens doors for strangers and waits their turn doesn't work in the world. Ive learned that you will be stepped on time and time again, you will be played, you wont be respected, you will be belittled and ostracized repeatedly by the general populous. Maybe its too much but look around you, the nicest people ive known has always been suckas to me, look around yourself. Growing up i realized that that wasnt for me. Watching how the world react to me made me realize that a change was needed. I didnt need to OD break my back for people. It made me weak, doing all that sends a message that said "i care what you think of me" "i want you to know I'm a nice person". Look at Urkel, nicest motherfucker on TV yet people keep shitting on him to the point that they have to catch themselves and say that "he has feelings", lol like they forgot he was human.

I wasnt put in this world to help muthafuckas. My mother wanted me to be a nurse LMAO not for me, not a traditionally male profession and i don't want to help people, My mom wanted me to become a Physical Therapist, i was like no, dont want to help people. lol, i do want to get into real estate and probably psychotherapy but that goes a bit deeper than just helping people.

Most people in this world was born by themselves, EVERY MOTHAFUCKA WILL LEAVE THIS WORLD ALONE...
Ive learned that you have to do you, fuck everyone else. From that instance my outlook on life has changed, was it for the better, maybe i know im better for it. Im more comfortable walking in my own solid foundation under my feet. It did make me a bit more gaurded though, Obviously i sound like its me against the world. Granted i do feel that way and it may not be right but i just dont want to be put into that light you know. Going that extra mile when it comes to certain chivalrous action or even being real nice takes alot out of me. I either act neutral or bad to the general population, call it a defense mechanism, i dont know. I know its wrong but it is how i am. I dont want to stepped on or used. You know that USING me is probably the worst thing to do for me, the more material the worse you're off with me. I dont like being used for anything. Its belittling and ive built myself from the ground up for too long to be belittled. There is two chicks that moved into my building in albany and im not sure if im gonna talk to them when i go back, off of them using me in the past. its whatever though i dont know if im ever gonna get "cured" of this and im not sure if i want to, the world demands it....


PZ


oh yeah hol upp

Umm When i see people who are like i was i mentally puke. I get so disgusted with them that they didn't learn the lesson ive learned. Thats why i can't relate to my Mother. I was always a cold child, not the coldest but im defenitely not a heart warmer. There are certain things i see in her that i dont like. If i was the nicey nice boy when i was a youngin then she may be the reason, genetic disposition i suppose. She repeatedly lets people shit on her. Whether it be her sister, her mom, my brother or some random mothafucka off the street or wherever she stay lettin people do her dirty. If its owed money she won't ask for it back if it is overdue. If she did X for her brother, when it comes time for him to do Y he hesitates or bitches out. Thats why i resent the shit out of my extended family. I dont know why they like me so much i hardly treat them good or bad, always neutral.
In july we went over to my aunts and there was this 5 year old youngin over there. Smart as fuck mad potential in the world i come to find out that he was a child of incest and his grandmother been beatin on him (more than the avg haitian disciplinarian).
I heard this from my mother on the way back to Philly.
She didnt think it would be a good idea to tell me while i was over there because she knew i would do something. I can be apathetic sometimes but this situation got to me more than usual and it hurt me that she didnt tell me expecially. The situation told me that she would rather ignnore the wrong and just let it slide and that me and my mother are not in the same page. I've always looked up to strong people and my mother is not that. It pains me to write this but its true, shes amazing when it comes to taking care of her kids and making sure she does us right but she has no other ambition other than that. A strong woman would stand alone and tell that old bitch whats good shiet she probably would have snatched up the kid and took him in. Im not saying shes not a good person she's just too much of a shut in, my brother is following in her footsteps.
I didnt know what to do when it came to Greggie, Yea it aint my problem but i wouldnt let the youngin stay with his bitch of a grandmother (i was thinkin evil things on the ride back). With my mother being the way she is and the fact that we dont belive in the same shit. It pushes me further apart from her. I lend her consul from time to time because she is suffering from a negative mind state. She's a negative person and it fucks with her stress, im trying to help her but she keeps thinking this way. Im trying to help her get over being a pushover to her family but who knows if its workin, Maybe i should lead by example...

Im tired of writing this shit is bringin me in a down mood... less than 2 weeks and im out of Philly for a while and back into school, Its like going between hell and the pit to hell

later yall