I had a weird dream last night/this morning.
I was chilling with my boys n shit and we decided to take a road trip only i didn't know where. We chilling, driving then all of a sudden we get to Louisiana. I was like ??? Why the fuck are we in Louisiana?? So eventually we end up in New Orleans and to my surprise we were getting coke from this connect in the N.O. . My Ol' roommate was facilitating the deal and told us to pack everything in the truck. Shit was crazy, cuz i had no clue what was going on, I was the epitome of lost at that point. So we heading back and i think we get pulled over or someshit cuz all of a sudden we were surrounded by cops. They took us in n shit and out of everyone I'm the mothafucka that goes to prison [and no this isnt a prison rape nightmare]. So these muhfuckas are asking me all type of questions. Questions about the drugs, the people i was with, our objective n shit and i was like, i don't know. I felt confused at the interrogation table, i distinctly remember confusion and slight panic.
After the interrogation they let me go unexpectedly. I go back to the crib and thats where everyone happens to be. They look at me but they don't ask me what happened. They have assuming looks in their faces. I figured since i got out of prison they would feel some kinda way. Basically at some point in the dream they call me a snitch. In "The Wire" if one talks to the police and nothing happens to them it is assumed that they told the police something. This was the case in my dream and i was OD trying to convince these motherfuckers that i didn't snitch like it was life or death. The stigma of snitching made its way into my dreams!!!
My view on snitching is more or less in the gray. Should we help the police if someone kills an old lady, kills a baby or steals nuclear launch codes from a maximum security facility? I think that snitching is subjective. There are some people that think some particular action is more deviant then the next and based off that persons views snitching may be a must. All i know is that if someone robs a kid in broad day and i see it I'm just gonna act like i didn't and keep it moving. Yea it sucks and if it was me i would hope that someone speaks up but there's too many bad things that can happen. Trust, if someone i care about gets hurt then its whatever either by some miracle i get revenge or he gets justice the conventional way. I'm too calculating to adhere to one side of the snitch, no snitch fence. If it makes sense I'm gonna do it; if it don't then I'm not doing shit. In this world of stupidity and savagery who knows what the consequences of snitching would get you.
You ever meet someone that you see in color when everyone else is in black and white.
Don't get it twisted I'm not close to being in another relationship, I'm just saying. [sigh] Ive known this chick since September just a bit before my ex and we were feeling each other. She came by the crib one night and we were watching fight club then i start trying to get her in that mood. I start kissing her, my hands start moving into interesting places. From her chest to her ummm...chest ...eventually i make moves toward her yam and she wasn't having it. Usually i wouldn't be mad at all but i would be a lil tight, but with her i wasn't in the least tight. Homegirl said no and I halted to a degree [i couldnt stop messin with those lips] , she told me how much she liked me and how cool i was but she doesnt wanna get down like that. Me, I dont look at a chick wrong if she lets me fuck on the first night; I'd look at her like a ho if she lets everyone else she's dated hit in the same situation. I'm special as fuck and if a chick is feeling me enough to wanna beat on the 1st how can i hold that against her.
[Like Andre 3000 said: "she just knows what she wants out of life" (Where Are My Panties- The Love Below)]
It made me like her that much more. Not only was she sexier than a lil bit her personality was bannanas. I've never met anyone more compatible with me ever in my life. She wasnt perfect but MAN! was she close. She has the ill sense of humor, a great outlook on life, a perfect mix of strength and vulnerability, her freakiness level is close to mine and shes open with everything. She suprised the shit out of me cuz I tend to think less of people before I actually introduce myself to them. Although she tends to bug me with her honesty it puts me in a better place.
Now DJ you're probably wondering why i didnt get with her instead of my Ex and there is a good reason for that. I met her in my graduating semester so she didnt wanna get to serious with me so...no sex, at one point she even wanted stop talkin cuz she didnt wanna get too close. Then came my now ex girlfriend. Although our communication was supposed to stop it didn't i still kept texting her. We held off on the sex talk and we just became friends but it didnt stay that way. I told all the girls i was talking to at that time that i was now taken....everyone but her. I knew I had to but something in me held off cuz I still wanted her. There were times when the semester was winding down where i had a chance to do something and i tried not to but eventually i tried to get it poppin again and she deaded me cuz i had a Gf [had to tell her at some point].
ANYWAY...Fast foward to now we still talkin. Shes living in Spain for the semester and we talk everyday. we talkin about gettin back up sometime in the future when she gets back and the anticipation is...great. What comes to mind in our relationship is chemistry. That term, when it comes to relationships was a bit vague to me until a couple of days ago. I thought about all the chicks ive been associated with and although the chemistry was ok it was never so prevalent as it is in me an Julips' Chemisty. I thought she set the bar and it has yet to be met.
oh yeah and the reason why we arent together like that is because she lives in upstate NY, you never know though...
I'm not gonna lie...
Forgiving people in a timely manner is not my strongest suit, lol. I hold grudges until i forget why i was mad in the first place, but i knew i was mad so I'd act accordingly just to be consistent. Sometimes my brother and i would get into a disagreement and we wouldn't talk to each other for weeks, i didn't help the situation with my stubborn ass. I know its a stupid way to be but i am a prideful dude. Once I'm burned by someone i temporarily hate them a lil and reconciliation is not even a thought. There were two times throughout my life where i forgave someone for a transgression in a timely manner.
1. was when my brother was actin stupid with my moms and i automatically chose my mothers side. The next day i went up to him and told him the reason i was acting so off towards him
2. was late last year when my ex slapped me on impulse for some stupid ass reason i forgave her like hmmm 35 minutes later.
But that was my chick and family; i dont have that special place in my heart for other people. They can rott for all i care, its whatever [at least until i get cool with em again]
I dont want to show weakness and to forgive someone would mean that you are admitting that you have been made a victim and i don't like playing that role, especially when it comes to some people. So when someone says they are sorry to me i get stuck on what to say, do i say thank you? lol like...yeah you are admitting you were wrong in my perspective saying "im sorry" is something someone does to make themselves feel better. You arent saying you're sorry for my behalf cuz saying sorry says that what you did was wrong; does that eliminate your past transgressions automatically?? Shit the words on an IM box does not erase unless you close the box and turn off your computer first, and im definitely not tryin to do that on account of your fuck up...
***Lighten up D***
I dont figure it a weakness because it strengthens me in a wierd way, it blocks me from relying on other people for my happiness. I was around people who needed a sorry from other people otherwise they would be sour all day and their world would turn upside down. Then when they get their sorry they are all hunky dory. Maybe i should work on it a little i mean i did get the pussy that night i forgave my ex so... ehh who knows
Anybody who tries their best to become a better person usually gets stiffed by some fuckin body. Again, this has happened to me. This bitch had the nerve to call me a white boy on account that my voice sounds white. I know it shouldn't bug me but it sorta does. This other chick tells me i have an accent but she does't know where its from(who knows what she meant by that, bitches are weird). Homegirl even says she cant picture me saying the word pussy. I'm like "??" i don't get where that type of shit comes from. I dont think i sound white but i do try my best to use proper English because im not trying to be another stereotypical black dude. This chick said what she said and i called her a bitch thinkin thats what she ..... you know what...
the reason why i don't know where to go with this is because I'm not trying to be bothered by this. She apologizing now and i don't know what to say to her. I'm not trying to catch feelings on what this chick saying, truth of the matter is that i talk the way i talk and it is what it is.
Part of me wants to be like: "yeah fuck you for sayin that"
the other part of me wants to say: "fuck it she don't know shit"
to write down the truth i feel like im always expected to prove myself to black people. Growin up i wasn't loud, i didn't command attention, i was/am lowkey and laid back and it comes out in many different ways, in speech, in demeanor and in attitude. That and the fact that i dont care TO prove my blackness makes it hard for some to get where I'm coming from. My perspective on it is that its cool, i stay in my land and do my thing, no one can put me in a box with alot of these YBMs out here and its OK with me. I've already been through this, i suck at forgiving people but she tried to get a rise out of me and that in itself is good enough to make me mad and not wanna talk to you for a while.
