I left my job.
I don't work as a child welfare investigator anymore.
No more shoveling shit. No more being subjected to human bullshit. No more wondering if these mFz ads gonna kill their kids. No more mental health. No more supervisor, Admin and director.
No more extreme stress.
At least I hope...
I didn't quit.
During the last lost about stress I mentioned a move I was trying to make to which would get me out of the stressful position I was in. Eventually the transfer went through and I was gone!
Sat in a cozy desk all day watching YouTube videos and instead of worrying about all aspects of child welfare I just was in a position to prevent a certain aspect of it. Prevention wasn't bad.. Less busy. I liked it only because it wasn't investigations. I hated the fact that I had to wake up early but I never stayed late and I only did overtime when I wanted to do it. It was weird but it was better than the fuckery that I was a part of.
Sidebar.... I previously said that the job is bullshit. It is def not bullshit. The lack of Child welfare is a serious issue in this world and it seems that we're the only ones intent on stopping it. Only the task is so daunting that everyone from policy makers, to the employers, To the actual employees are having a hard time wrapping an arm, an idea, around mitigating the horrific stories you see in the news every week. In the process of trying to mitigate, they maximize what they need from each person. Their social life, their health, their time, their mental health are all subjected to this and it takes a toll. The job ain't bullshit....
Anyway... I can say that cuz i'm not mad anymore. I'm not angry. I'm not stressing. I appreciate all that the job gave to me as I receive my W2s which stated that I made 56000 bux last year... I'm scheduled to make 10000 less this year in my new position since there is no overtime.
Speaking of my new position...
Remember when I said I left investations to go to prevention.... Well that didn't last long. It probably lasted a month before I had to leave the company for good. A law enforcement agency called, and that test that I killed a few months ago, led them to believe that I was a good fit for this crime information analyst job.
Being that I went to and graduated wcu with a masters in criminal justice and I couldn't use it in investigations or prevention... I took the job.
I've been here two months and it took a while but I left and I beat down any semblance of stress left in me from when I wrote that first "Stress" post a few months ago.
I haven't felt anything close to those feelings since leaving investigations and I hope I never do. I feel sorry for those that are still there but they can probably handle it better than me. If I was still over there I could have probably done something ill that I would've regretted.
I survived.
But that comes with its own bull shit apparently...
That's for another time tho.
I am kinda anxious about how things are progressing with my girl. I have to look for a ring soon but the head and the heart are not in accord. Fuckmkkmkk!
She's so good to me
My new job has some significant pros and cons but overall I like it.
I look at porn way too often
Like way too often...
My libido is on a cycle and I don't know how to feel about it.
Yes I do.
Bad
Growing old sucks
I need to start making better decisions about what to eat and lit in my body. I'm not helping this "getting old" situation by eating pole a pig.
I'm gonna be more socially active and handy this year with hopes that it will stick for years to come.
The play on words "thots" as opposed to using "thoughts"is a work in progress.
Yes
Stress...
Stress is a bitch.
I know, who dont know about stress, right?
It messes with mind body and spirit. It can interfere with your health and literally drive you crazy. I knew this but not really because i never felt it.
So awkward...tearing up like this on the train ride home.
Ive never felt stress. In my 31 years of life... ive never truly been stressed out or effected. Up until about my late 20s ive been chillin. Not a care in the world, even when it was wrong.
School never stressed me cause i didnt give a shit.
Girls never stressed me cuz i was only about fuckin n duckin.
A few health issues here n there with my familly was kinda stressful but by the time i found out about it, it was either close to being resolved or just plain over.
Job wasnt shit either so it played to my apathy and carefree attitude.
It even got to the point where i would partake in risktaking behaviors. Id get in the car with drunk drivers. Id drink like crazy. Get in trouble. Basically... i wasnt worried about nothin.
Stress hit me like a sack of bricks in this past year and like 75÷ of it is due to my job.
Since 2013, ive been working in child welfare.
Its basically case mangement. I juggle families as best i could. I take kids sometimes. Its bull shit. Its all bull shit. I take shit from my bosses. I take shit from the courts. I take shit from other agencies. I take shit from the city. I take shit from the adults. I take shit from the kids. When someone does dumb shit, i do more work. When someone dosent do their job, i do more work. When someone has a simple asinine opinion, i do more work.
I hate it.
I hate the system.
I hate what it does to me.
Although it brings me shit, near endless work, and hate, im very good at at it. Like very good. I stay with a low caseload, no one has died on my watch, i aint that much of an issue and i start and finish autonomously.
I am fucking amazing at what i do....not because i care about these mothafuckas. My heart doesn't bleed. Im not a yes man. Im not looking to get promoted. I cant be promoted. I have the wrong masters degree. Im great at it because it fits in with who i am as a person.
I dont like to get tied down. I hate commitment so i move cases/families quickly. I dont like being spread too thin so i keep my cases low and move cases/families quickly. I dont want kids to die on my caseload because of their dumb ass/drugged out/mentally fucked parents. I dont want to go to jail n be blamed for what other motherfuckas do. So i move these cases. No frills. No bullshit. No extra shit. I do what i have to do and keep the case moving. I do this because it helps me do the job. It keeps my stress levels low. It gives me free time and it , to a much lesser extent gives me bragging rights and a reputation.
Because these are my drives and some of them are so deeply entrenched in who i am as a person im naturally gonna bust my ass for a job that fucks its employees over. Because im so self aware and i value all those things im literally a slave to the job. Because im so od, i drive myself into near madness when dumb shit happens that gets in the way of moving these cases off my desk.
Repeats. Dealing with people I don't like. Them mfs that be all the way in the way. Dumb court orders. The wait times at court. Transportation department and their bull shit. My supervisor is spineless. My admin is a cunt. The operations director is a snake.
Sorry
Ummm.. Yeah that's some of the things I be thinking though. My supervisor is one of the best ones in the entire building. Everything I am in that building is because of him.... but when he gets in my way I literally hate him. There were times I wanted to punch him in the face or curse him all the way out. My administrator is getting there only because she ain't doing shit...
Lemme stop venting.
I don't like what this job is doing to me bottom line... The stress. Omg I used to be so carefree. I was a chill person. I never got angry as much as I do now. I get moody and angry and pessimistic and it bleeds into other aspects of my life. I'm usually good about that but sometimes I can't help it. Sometimes I wake up and I feel like shit just because I'm going to work. I got a couple gray hairs. Im in my living room now wondering whether this virus called stress is going to kill me (on a long enough time line). Or will it drive me to do something else. Because it isn't just stress it's anger. Sometimes I can feel it bubbling just below the surface. Sometimes I'm afraid of what it can make me so if it gets too much. I have to combat it. I have to de stress because I see what it can do everyday. I used to look at the old heads in the job and wonder what happened to them. Now I know. They're walking warning signs and I won't be like them. I tried to go to therapy but they didn't have enough space to see me... Guess I gotta keep it together till then.
I have plenty of motivation to keep my cool though. I'm waiting to be transferred to another position and my new supe is a couple of feet from my current supe. I dont wanna blow my shot at transferring. Plus, I ain't trying to be in a hospital bed with half my face all droopy..all stroked out because I gave these worms my life. I don't wanna go crazy...i don't wanna shave years off my life. I don't wanna transfer the shit I go through at work to my loved ones at home. I don't wanna ruin my reputation. I don't wanna go to jail or get shot by police over some dumb shit.
But that's a story for another time...
Hey its Don.
Inconsistent ass Don.
The nigga you love to hate. Word to ice cube.
I'm in need of a new Hobby and a Facebook friend just keeps inspiring me to start writing again. I used to record everything that happened in my life and the thoughts that came with it.
Back in 07, it was therapeutic. It was the vehicle that brought my thoughts to true realization. I can truly say that blogging really made me realize who I am as a person.
I did it for a few years and I literally took the knowledge and ran.
I ran and lived life I guess.
Been through ups and downs but... Looking back there were def more ups than downs.
I have a masters.
I have a career.... One that I hate but it is what it is.
I have been with one (!) girl for almost two years.
I moved out my mom's crib and lived alone.
I stopped living alone and started cohabitating with my current girl.
No one important to me died yet (whoop whoop).
No depression... I think.
Umm
I think that's all for the cliffs notes. There's a couple of things listed above and others which I'll expand upon (if I can be consistent).
Hopefully I'm back.
I might go to WordPress though.
Not that it matters...
It's time to reflect and it really don't matter where I do it at...
