Yes
Stress...
Stress is a bitch.
I know, who dont know about stress, right?
It messes with mind body and spirit. It can interfere with your health and literally drive you crazy. I knew this but not really because i never felt it.
So awkward...tearing up like this on the train ride home.
Ive never felt stress. In my 31 years of life... ive never truly been stressed out or effected. Up until about my late 20s ive been chillin. Not a care in the world, even when it was wrong.
School never stressed me cause i didnt give a shit.
Girls never stressed me cuz i was only about fuckin n duckin.
A few health issues here n there with my familly was kinda stressful but by the time i found out about it, it was either close to being resolved or just plain over.
Job wasnt shit either so it played to my apathy and carefree attitude.
It even got to the point where i would partake in risktaking behaviors. Id get in the car with drunk drivers. Id drink like crazy. Get in trouble. Basically... i wasnt worried about nothin.
Stress hit me like a sack of bricks in this past year and like 75÷ of it is due to my job.
Since 2013, ive been working in child welfare.
Its basically case mangement. I juggle families as best i could. I take kids sometimes. Its bull shit. Its all bull shit. I take shit from my bosses. I take shit from the courts. I take shit from other agencies. I take shit from the city. I take shit from the adults. I take shit from the kids. When someone does dumb shit, i do more work. When someone dosent do their job, i do more work. When someone has a simple asinine opinion, i do more work.
I hate it.
I hate the system.
I hate what it does to me.
Although it brings me shit, near endless work, and hate, im very good at at it. Like very good. I stay with a low caseload, no one has died on my watch, i aint that much of an issue and i start and finish autonomously.
I am fucking amazing at what i do....not because i care about these mothafuckas. My heart doesn't bleed. Im not a yes man. Im not looking to get promoted. I cant be promoted. I have the wrong masters degree. Im great at it because it fits in with who i am as a person.
I dont like to get tied down. I hate commitment so i move cases/families quickly. I dont like being spread too thin so i keep my cases low and move cases/families quickly. I dont want kids to die on my caseload because of their dumb ass/drugged out/mentally fucked parents. I dont want to go to jail n be blamed for what other motherfuckas do. So i move these cases. No frills. No bullshit. No extra shit. I do what i have to do and keep the case moving. I do this because it helps me do the job. It keeps my stress levels low. It gives me free time and it , to a much lesser extent gives me bragging rights and a reputation.
Because these are my drives and some of them are so deeply entrenched in who i am as a person im naturally gonna bust my ass for a job that fucks its employees over. Because im so self aware and i value all those things im literally a slave to the job. Because im so od, i drive myself into near madness when dumb shit happens that gets in the way of moving these cases off my desk.
Repeats. Dealing with people I don't like. Them mfs that be all the way in the way. Dumb court orders. The wait times at court. Transportation department and their bull shit. My supervisor is spineless. My admin is a cunt. The operations director is a snake.
Sorry
Ummm.. Yeah that's some of the things I be thinking though. My supervisor is one of the best ones in the entire building. Everything I am in that building is because of him.... but when he gets in my way I literally hate him. There were times I wanted to punch him in the face or curse him all the way out. My administrator is getting there only because she ain't doing shit...
Lemme stop venting.
I don't like what this job is doing to me bottom line... The stress. Omg I used to be so carefree. I was a chill person. I never got angry as much as I do now. I get moody and angry and pessimistic and it bleeds into other aspects of my life. I'm usually good about that but sometimes I can't help it. Sometimes I wake up and I feel like shit just because I'm going to work. I got a couple gray hairs. Im in my living room now wondering whether this virus called stress is going to kill me (on a long enough time line). Or will it drive me to do something else. Because it isn't just stress it's anger. Sometimes I can feel it bubbling just below the surface. Sometimes I'm afraid of what it can make me so if it gets too much. I have to combat it. I have to de stress because I see what it can do everyday. I used to look at the old heads in the job and wonder what happened to them. Now I know. They're walking warning signs and I won't be like them. I tried to go to therapy but they didn't have enough space to see me... Guess I gotta keep it together till then.
I have plenty of motivation to keep my cool though. I'm waiting to be transferred to another position and my new supe is a couple of feet from my current supe. I dont wanna blow my shot at transferring. Plus, I ain't trying to be in a hospital bed with half my face all droopy..all stroked out because I gave these worms my life. I don't wanna go crazy...i don't wanna shave years off my life. I don't wanna transfer the shit I go through at work to my loved ones at home. I don't wanna ruin my reputation. I don't wanna go to jail or get shot by police over some dumb shit.
But that's a story for another time...
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