Iiite the self gifts keep on rollin.
IIte i don't make it a habit watching these type of movies but since HBO, CMAX and wack ass showtime have a 10 movie rotation going on (not showtime they stay showing terrible/ uninteresting films) I sometimes succumb to some movies i would not otherwise glance at. The
other day I saw SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE for the first time. Now I had no plans on seeing this film, i dismissed it as something i wouldn't be interested in. The demographics of the film didnt demand any interest from me and I heard it was a musical so I def was not about to see no slumdog become a millionaire. One morning i wake up and it just started so i was like fuck it It just started and it won awards so why the eff not.
. 
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Safe to say the movie was tight. There were alot of elements to it. The way it was shot, the cinematography the story was all different yet the same (if that makes any sense) that is all imna say cause I try not to spoil anything...or anyone ;-)
Another movie that I ended up watching due to circumstance was "Not Easily Broken". At first i thought it was a tyler perry flick so i definitely wasn't gonna see it but again, I didn't have anything to do at the moment and it was in its early stages so I said fuck it. Considering Morris Chestnut being in the movie it was okaaay. It made me think about alot of things. Aight spoiler alert I know what I just said above but...fuck it! im trying to tell you something.
This movie brought to light alot of issues in relationships that has never applied to me...ever but its not beyond the realm of possibility in the future. = i felt sorry for the main character ummm Morris Chestnut's character (Dave).
Here he was apparently not the breadwinner of his (loosely) household for some reason and his wife reminds him of that daily. He working in the community and is a goood dude but his wife doesnt want that for him she wants him to do this that and the third basically in an attempt to deter him from his passion of helping the kids in his community for i guess a more lucrative way to spend his time.
[Skip skip yadda yadda]
there was this one quote that he said that had me thinking:
Dave Johnson: "Down through history men have always been measured by how hard they work and cultivated, how well the protected their wife and children. In the old days woman saw their man as conquerers, providers, heroes. But somewhere along the line that changed, woman started to became their own hero, maybe it was because their man forgot to be reliable or because woman don't want to be protected anymore or maybe woman had to be their own hero because of the pain they had to endure in life. But whatever the cause, the world took away a man's reason for being a man. It told him he wasn't important anymore and when that happened, it turn the whole world upside down. " - IMDB
It made me think of the world today and where we as black men are. We, as a culture (in general) are surrounded by the wrong examples of what a Man is in terms of his mission, his duties and his place in the family. We have fathers not taking care of their kids in a disturbing rate. We have dudes going into a lifestyle that doesn't enable them to take care of a family much less themselves; If anything the lifestyle does quite the opposite and becomes their undoing. Lil boys will see that and grow up continue to do what their predecessors was doing and contributing to a negative cycle not believing that they can strive for/achieve something better. Now while all this is happening young ladies develop a motivation to not become stuck in the same rut many of their moms or their friends are in, you know, effin with some lame ass drug dealing ass, deadbeat niggamon who hits them or effs with a multitude of other females.
Now that i think about it, women as a whole have been getting their stuff together (compared to back in the day when they couldn't) but black women are probably the most fervid with theirs. They really go after it and I'm saying that WE (Black Males) are reason behind their collective drive, and not in a good way.
So these same ladies grow up motivated and become their own "personal heroes" saving themselves from a life of sub mediocrity. And it makes sense to do so, not every Juliet is gonna have a a Romeo there are alot more women in the world than men and it doesn't help that most of us black males are getting killed or locked up.
Ayye! not to say that all of us Men are diced shit some black males been doing their thing out there especially when it comes to setting themselves up to sustain their own familial empire one day; especially us, the ones on the come up. Im just saying although our numbers are growing the fact that women (in general) don't trust us to take care of things bugs me. It puts us black males further in a negative light and I'm not trying to end up as an incompetent dunce like some of us out here. Granted i like being needed, i might not always want to help due to one reason or another but it feels aight and homie in the movie seemed drained from his predicament. It all ended well though of course (the Hollywood way) but iunno the movie made me think.
Iite the titles of my last two blog titles can be a bit cryptic and obscure some background info can help.
Read this. London Bridge is Burning Down
an exerpt: "When I'm feeling someone, I'm feeling em but when I am turned off or i can't see myself with them anymore i douse our bridge in kerosene and i light a match. In one fell swoop a couple of paragraphs i can damage a relationship (in the general social sense of the word) to a point where it cannot be repaired. I just go into fuck it mode and say things or do things that blow it all the fuck up. As I grow I've been doing this more and more, especially if any hope is lost. I'm starting to feel that this is the case right now."
Now i'm not burning the bridge or nuking the relationship (general) because that will do nothing...Ima keep it there unmaintained for a bit and if it crumbles so be it.
Looks like I'm back down to earth cause I'm cold chillin, moving "on to the next one" (pardon the already tired cliche) Shit, or on to the next couple of ones even. I'm gonna admit, pursuing a relationship with this chick actually brought the level of my wanting such a thing down. In a way i was weakened. I don't have walls up like that anymore but i sure as hell dont do the isht i have been doing in terms of girl J.S. I'm "pooped" in that dept and yes that is pitiful lol its whatever though. Plenty of things to look forward to: the most prominent being awaiting the yay or nay for graduate school. Shiet and i gotta hit the fuccin GYM! 5 times a week fuck it!! how easy was that to write lol
PZ
ohh and thanx to yall who commented on the last post
Iite so as we continue on from Nuke Button 1
I talked to homegirl I just straight up told her my concerns and shit, no general talk, no beating around the bush I just went forward with it.
She said she is in fact feeling me and that I'm her type of dude or whatever and although that is the case she wants to take things a day at a time because there are some issues she feels that need dealing with; such as issues wit her body (which i don't get but i never seen her wit her clothes off so...) to go from track star body to post pregbody can probably be disheartening. Issues wit her sons father n all that. So although she feeling me she ain't ready to move forward like I am....again...
..still.
Now i've never asked her to be my girl or nothing but the way things were going in our relationship (in the literal sense) was headed toward that direction and she isn't ready for such a thing.
Still
Even though her asking ME out on a date jump started this whole thing. she aint ready which is ...lemme stop.
Now i bet you're asking where does that leave me. What do I think? The whole issue that produced such a conversation was the uncertainty on whether she was feeling the kid or not and although I got my answer parts of me is saying i should leave it alone, and i told her this too. She thought i was givin her an ultimatum lol.
Shit every person I've relayed this situation to has told me to move on and I believe I should but I like her too much and perhaps its definitely to a fault because all the things that brings up a red flag in my head are prevalent when dealing with this girl.
- The probability that I am gettin the runaround
- "the chick that don't know what she want"
- the issues with her Sons father.(i hate the babymama/babyfava term). I remember effin with a chick back in albany who would stay talking about her ex, issues wit her ex and all that. this was back in 08 its 010 and shes now fucking her ex. shiet even back in 09 she was fuckin dude. Everyone is different though but A lightbulb just went off in my head when i was talking to albanychiq last night.
Maybe cause its cuffing season, maybe because I havent had sex in a week or two, maybe its cause I rarely meet girls around here due to unfamiliarity with the city as a whole and being a hombody ( in 2010 imna change my habits on that, real talk) or maybe its the fact that there is another nigga I know of who been trying to put in his bid with her (before i was even in the picture) and I dont wanna bow out and watch him gain ground on some territorial shit.
#truthis..its all of that put together, not an equal distribution though...
This blog has taught me that writing shit down as shown has shown me the reality of the situation. As long as my fingers are candid I will always see the truth that lies in the world regardless of my feeling towards it and with that comes realization. Now Whattheeefuck to do with that realization??
