COGNI.VOL...

Now that I'm older my heart grows colder.

I was such a warm kid. I was so genuine. So genuine to the point where it could be construed as a weakness. I'd hold the door for people even if they were halfway down the block. I'd always almost automatically look for the best in people and in turn act like they deserve the nice things I do for em when in reality what the fuck did they do. They lived, that's all...

Moms came up to me complaining about how cold We've (me n my brother) have become, again lol. What am I supposes to do?! I am what I am and that's all that I am! I'm not an asshole for the most part, I'm just a but of a skeptic with people and their intentions and sometimes when it comes to annoying fam i just don't want to be bothered. When it comes to the my tude' about the general public I chalk it up to society and its ills . DTA= Dont Trust Anybody has been my motto since Stone Cold Steve Austin coined the term back in the WWF days. Living in cold as Brooklyn, NYC didnt help either, if everyone was saying goodmorning to passerbys (like they do here in NE Philly) we would never be able to get to where we were goin. Sometimes as a New Yawker a lil apathy about the people surrounding us aint at all commonplace. I just know i wasn't always like this thats for sure.

Lately tho i haven't been havin the best luck so to speak. I ain't get the job I wanted so I've been thinking and thinking... And thinking The ass job I have, the lack of a local social life, just the stagnation of life in general right now; maybe God is punishing me. It's terrible to say I think but is it beyond the realm of religious possibility??

I mean sometimes I'm expect the worse of people. Everyday some shit comes out in the news that makes me hate people in general. That shit with Derrion Albert made me SMH so fuckin much I got dizzy. Sometimes fam gets on my nerves so i give em the cold shoulder. I can be a sour dude sometimes but most people are sometimes. I expect the worse of folks and I don't treat my family as well as possible. I'm dismissive, apathetic and maybe karma is takin a bite out of my ass.

I guess what I'm sayin is mAybe I need to change....again. I could be so worse off, WE as a fam could be worse off. Jess' situation sorta kinda helped me realized it (im def not broadcasting that). My ultimate realization is that maybe I need to reconnect religiously, spiritually if you will. Now I'm not OK and realizing such a thing when I'm in a bit of distress is kinds weak. I feel like those folks who only pray or acknowledge God when something goes wrong and that is exactly the case as i read it back but I feel like I'd have more conviction then I do now. If life was a movie today I feel like I'd definitely be the villan. I don't blow buildings up or paint my face but inside I'm the total opposite of righteous. I cut corners, I cheat, I curse and I'm ruled by my vices not to mention my lack of self discipline or the ability to sacrifice. Although I love my libertine ways it's probably not the oughtright definitive way to live and I guess suffering for it. I gotta get ... Idunno imma go sleep this off too much delving for one nite

**Sleeps it offf**

I try to be good though but mortality catches up with me, Im only human. Imna pray more but only the strong survive out here and i can't get all gullible now i got to get to where i wanna go. Im still nice ima just cut down on the ill will a lil ... maybe ;-)


Sent from my iPod